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Angela
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  n/a
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Hi There, my name is Mark and I live in the UK. Really struggling

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Hi There, my name is XXXXX XXXXX I live in the UK. Really struggling to cope at the moment and need some advice. I have been married for twelve years and although the relationship during this time has had its moments, we both feel the past two years have been fantastic, with nothing in the way to stop this. However, my wife told me three days ago that she could not live with the guilt anymore and she had to confess to having sex with a unmarried father from school. This happened three years ago and she knew that it was wrong but the banter, the way he made her feel led to the incident occuring. She tells me that it meant nothing and that it ended straightaway.

I have not slept for three days and although I love my wife deeply and really want to try and forget this, I cannot for several reasons.

There was no relationship, just flirtation. He kept telling her how wonderful she was and that he had feelings for her.
She ended up having sex with him im his house after dropping my children off at school
She is a close friend of his ex wife, which makes it harder to deal with
I trusted my wife impeciably and although she said it was a mistake, how do I beleive this.
I foolishly contacted the guy in question, who in a nutshell said it was purely sex and that he had no itention of a relationship or an affair with her. They only communicated in the playground. My wife is hurt by this as she felt he wanted more.
She was a virgin when we met as was I so I do feel that that pureity has disappeared although she keeps telling me she only sees me as her sexual partner
She has had no dealings within him since, we have had another baby since and as mentioned the past two years has been fantastic.

I am confused on what to do, as all I do is hound her 24/7 asking her question after question, even trying to compare the act to ours.

I want to work on it, but really dont know how I should be acting, my current actions are making it worse, but I cant help it. My wife has simply said and I agree to an extent with her that the ball is in my court and only I can decide what to do.

Deep down, I do beleive she loves me deeply and is desperate to sort this, but I just dont seem to be coping.

HELP!

Regards

Mark
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 3 years ago.
Hello Mark my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

It is possible to move beyond the betrayal of your wife cheating on you as well as the damage she has caused your marriage, however, it requires work to do so- this is why you cannot move beyond it because it must be dealt with and it requires a great deal of time, energy, and effort from both of you to deal with it in a healthy manner in order to heal from the damage this has caused your relationship. Therefore, if possible, I recommend that you both go to a marriage counselor- the best option. In situations such as the one you have described where trust has been broken and betrayal occurred, it is very difficult in some cases for the two people involved to rebuild their relationship on their own and often a third party (-counselor, therapist, etc.) is required to guide them through the healing process. You could ask your wife would she be willing to go to a counselor with you. If she says no, then you could revisit the question again at at a later time or you could consider giving her an ultimatum to go with you if she wants to keep you in her life. If counseling is not an option, you could also try doing the following: In your own words tell your wife that you love her and that you would like for her to help you heal from the hurt that she has caused you and the damage she has caused your relationship. Ask her would she be willing to sit down with you once a week solely for the purpose of reading through a self help book together and discussing what you both read and how it effects both of you in order to help you heal from this and to also help your relationship grow stronger as you heal? It is important to designate some time to do this work on a regular basis when the two of you will not be disturbed along with keeping a journal to write down your thoughts and reactions to what you both read and discuss from the self help book. Both of you should agree on how much time you want to spend together working solely on this and agree to how often you want to work on it, for example: once a week for 30 minutes, twice a week for a hour, etc. Be sure to keep the amount of time designated for this at a comfortable level for both of you so that neither of you dread doing this. The above is an inexpensive and healthy process to help you heal and to strengthen your marriage; it takes time to do but it can be done if you both commit to it. A couple of books for you to consider can be found below:

Book 1.
Book 2.



Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi Angela

 

Thank you so much for replying back to me, it is really appreciated. It clearly does show that work from both sides is needed.

 

She is clearly hurting from this and since talking to her for another 8 hours, I am slowly getting my ahead around this. However, in order for me to focus on putting it right, I need to understand the following;

 

1. Can guilt really be a reason for telling me, she says as things were so good, she could no longer live with the fact that she had done this? Does the human mind work like this?

2. In your experience, I know these questions are difficult to ask, but as people are were all prone to such slips i.e. as this is so out of character for her.

3. Do I try and carry on as normal, or is this letting her belief everything is fine?

 

Last one: -

 

What is covered in councelling, what do they focus on, we tried this many years ago due to circumstances at the time, but did not really see the benefit. In cases like this what do they cover?

 

Thanks for your help, really is appreciated.

 

Regards

 

 

Mark

Expert:  Angela replied 3 years ago.
To answer your first question, yes guilt can be a reason for her telling you. Everyone responds to guilt in his/her own unique manner, therefore, in her case, absolutely her mind does work like this based on what you have shared (-along with many others who are in similar situations and respond in the same manner). Yes people at times make slips because everyone is human and there are no perfect humans and there are no perfect relationships for this same reason, however, everyone also needs to be accountable for his/her behavior. Again, you can't carry on as normal due to the previous reasons I posted in my earlier answer along with the fact that it would be mentally and emotionally unhealthy for you to give the appearance that you are carrying on as normal when this issue must be further dealt with. As a result, this is why I suggested the healthy options in my previous post to strengthen your marriage and to heal the hurt you are experiencing. As far as what is covered in counseling, every therapist differs and will vary. Therefore, I suggest seeking out a therapist who specializes in marriage counseling along with focusing also on infidelity in marriages. You can search using the internet to find therapist in your area fitting the above criteria and write down the names and contact information of several therapist you are interested in. Contact the therapist and ask what is his/her experience in dealing with the issues you need to discuss during your sessions (-this is perfectly acceptable as long as it is done in a respectful manner). Also, ask any other questions you would like to and be sure to jot down notes for each therapist that you contact. Lastly, discuss the results with your wife and decide which therapist you both will try and save your list just in case you want to try a different therapist later on down the road.
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience: n/a
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