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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1692
Experience:  PHD LPC
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I feel like such a coward right now!! My boyfriend and sons

Resolved Question:

I feel like such a coward right now!!

My boyfriend and son's father got into a fist fight. My boyfriend is pressing charges and wants all communication and visitation shut down. My son's father has been trying to call and i have been ignoring his phone calls. My son is under the impression that he is going to his dad's this weekend. This incident happened last Sunday and i have been feeling worst and worst everyday since. I want my son to see his father. I want my boyfriend to get over any issues he may have but to say this to him is like treason. I split up with my son's father in 2002. This is the first serious relationship that i have had, since. please advise?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 3 years ago.

Dr. Keane :

Hi, are you online now?

Customer:

yes

Dr. Keane :

Even though your boyfriend wants you to shut down communication and visitation with your son's father it isn't up to him and you cannot keep your son from his dad. Yes, it will cause conflict and you are in the middle however, he has no right to keep to dictate these demands. The issue is between the two "grown" men, even though they weren't behaving like adults. Your son should not have to miss out on time with his father because of it, no matter what the fight was over. You aren't a coward, you are trying to placate your boyfriend and keep him calm.

Dr. Keane :

If you can't verbalize what you feel to your boyfriend and he becomes defensive, that too is his problem. Your loyalty is to your son first and foremost. If he can't understand that then he has a real problem and you may need to rethink your relationship.

Customer:

yes that's true.......but i mentioned i don't want to see anyone go to jail and his response was do i still love him.

Customer:

this is not the case

Dr. Keane :

do you feel you are being pressured by him to answer the way he wants you to answer?

Dr. Keane :

Love is not the issue and you can tell him that, this man is your son's father period.

Customer:

yes i am feeling alot of pressure right now

Dr. Keane :

why would he ask you such a thing unless he is so insecure himself...sounds like a bit of bullying going on here

Customer:

yes i agree

Dr. Keane :

You need to do what you know is right, don't allow anyone to put that pressure on you. If he thinks he can bully you he will, into submission if he can, don't let that happen.

Customer:

he does not have anything to worry about but simply saying it is not enough

Dr. Keane :

That is his problem if it's not enough, don't let it become yours. Stick to you guns and do the right thing.

Dr. Keane :

all you can tell him is that this isn't an issue that is up for discussion, tell him you do not want you son alienated from his father and won't stop him from seeing him. Yes, he will be upset and may start a fight however he will also know that you mean what you say and that you can stand up to him. If he decides he needs to "punish" you for doing what needs to be done then he isn't worthy of you.

Customer:

you are right 100%.....

Customer:

you know his type

Dr. Keane :

I know it won't be easy to do but if you don't stand up for what you believe he will always feel as though he can tell you what you need to do. Sure do know the type, see them all the time in therapy.

Customer:

they never change, do they

Dr. Keane :

Can't say never however, men with his type of personality (which I can only comment on based on your text) seek out women they feel they can control. If you take a stand and let him know he can't push you into complying to his demands he will either decide to work with you versus against you or he may leave since he will realize you are not a push-over and have your own strength and ability to make your own decisions.

Customer:

i needed that....thanks

Customer:

seems so simple

Dr. Keane :

If he loves you he has to learn how to work with you and negotiate problems that arise like an adult in an equal relationship. If he is willing to do the work, great there is hope for change (remember behaviors can change, not personalities). If he is insecure with himself he can work on that so that jealousy (horrible trait) disappears. It takes confidence in oneself to not be jealous or threatened by outside influences. Again, his problem. You on the other hand, can't please everyone nor can you have everything work out great. I applaud your desire to have everyone get along and things work out great but sometimes but in the real world it doesn't happen all the time. Yes of course it seems simple, but it isn't easy. I know it takes strength to stick to your beliefs but in this case just remember that your son is the one your loyalty belongs to and he is a child who needs his father too.

Dr. Keane :

You may have a bit of a rough time getting this across to him but you sound like a great mom who has her son's best interest first and foremost. I hope this helps you get through this rough patch. Please click accept and leave feedback so I get credit for my answer. I am here if you need any follow-up, just put my name in the question.

Customer:

everyone getting along is an afterthought. he is pressing charges and there is a court date next month.

Dr. Keane :

again, this is between the two of them. Make sure they both know that you and your son are not part of this. Just keep repeating that to him.

Customer:

ok will do....thanks

Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1692
Experience: PHD LPC
Dr. Keane and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 3 years ago.
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