Individuals with your symptoms and description often seem depressed, lonely and avoidant of relationships. They want and fear being close to someone at the same time. Y ou have been hurt in the past and have never gotten over this. This is something that focused mental health counselling can be extremely helpful with. Such counselling can look at the effects of your past history on your present life and help to problem solve to find the answers that will bring happiness and improve self esteem. Start with a trusted primary care physician and ask for a referral ffrom them.