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Ask Cathy Your Own Question

Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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Customer Question

My first husband and I divorced after eleven years together when I was 6 mo. pregnant with our first child. Six months after the birth of that child, I started dating again. I dated a guy I met online for about a month when I became pregnant with his child. About two months into the relationship he moved in with me. I certainly felt like it was a bit forced, but none-the-less, we did have similar interests, and mostly I was happy with how he treated me in comparison to my first husband who was emotionally abusive.

About four months into this new relationship, I found out from some mail that came to the house that the new boyfriend was not yet divorced. This was the first major trust issue that I had encountered. He explained that he had kept it a secret because he didn't think he would otherwise have had a chance with me and it was in the process of being completed. He proceeded to complete the divorce process with his first wife.

We each had a child that be brought into the new relationship from our previous marriages. And we then ended up having our one child together. The mixed family was a difficult piece of the relationship puzzle. Our ex spouses were not easy to deal with either.

Despite all of that, he asked me to marry him a year after we started dating. I accepted and we made wedding plans. Thinking back, I feel like we may have rushed into things. I feel as thought our relationship was based on sex more than any emotional connection.

About two months after his proposal, I returned to work from my maternity leave. At this time, I started having an attraction to a co-worker. I ignored the attraction, and got married to my current husband.

As time went on, the attraction to this co-worker became stronger. We became good friends and I began to have more feelings for him than my husband. When ever they were in a room together, I always felt like the co-worker and I had more than my husband and I did.

I never told my husband how I felt about the co-worker, but I did express on occasion my feelings of emotional emptiness in our relationship. My husband would always get defensive and tell me that I needed to get on antidepressants or that it was just too hard with three little children to be romantic.

Four years later, I decided that it was time I had a chat with the co-worker and tell him how I felt about him. We talked and with little surprise, I learned that he also had feelings for me. Regardless of what feelings we have for one another or where that relationship goes or doesn't go, I am uncertain about what to do about my current marriage.

In hind sight, I think I married too soon and maybe for the wrong reasons. I do not know that my husband knows what I want or who I am. He suffers from anxiety and that has also had its toll on our relationship. He has never trusted me. He always sarcastically, yet seriously asks me if I cheated on him or questions where I've been or who I've talked to. I feel as thought he is somewhat controlling. He only works about 2/3 of the year and I work the entire year with only one week off. The one week of vacation I do get each year, has been spent doing what he wants to do. I have made mention to different things that I would like to do, however, he never makes any initiative to do them. Even something as simple as making dinner plans.

To his credit, he is a nice person and is very loyal to his family. I just don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

Is there any advice you can give me as to what to consider at this point?

Also, do you have suggestions about how go about talking to him about it. Like I said, I have tried having a nice conversation with him a handful of times and it goes one of two ways:

1) Defensive
2) I will try to be more romantic

Neither of which result in any change.

At this point, I have considered divorce and even gone so far to talk to my family about it. I'm not certain how counseling would go. We had one day of marriage counseling and he nearly had an anxiety attack (from having to talk about feelings) and had to leave.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 5 years ago.

Hi and thanks for writing JA


I am sorry we were not able to connect in chat. I see one of my colleagues has reported this question as underpriced. I tend to agree because you have presented so many issues here. At the same time it is not really clear what your question might be?


Are you asking us whether you should consider divorce or not?

Please let us know on this.

warm regards, Cathy

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Relist: This is the highest price I am willing to pay for an acceptable answer. If you are not willing to accept, I will go elsewhere..
This is the highest price I am willing to pay for an acceptable answer. If you are not willing to accept, I will go elsewhere.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I have been trying desprately to get my money refunded. Can you please assist with this.

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