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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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I am getting out of a 3 1/2 marriage with a sociopath under

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I am getting out of a 3 1/2 marriage with a sociopath under influence of Lortab and Xanax and crack cocaine. I am an alcoholic in recovery and met my husband in AA. He has really put me through hardship, and drained me financially. What advice can you give in how long I should wait and heal before I even consider another relationship? I feel so traumatized vy this relationship but have a wonderful sponsor who is guiding me through this tough time. I get approached often in AA but am truly afraid of men at present. General thoughts?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 3 years ago.

Hi,

 

There is no specific time frame as each person heals in their own time. Some of the things that you may want to work on before moving on to another relationship would be- the self esteem issues, addressing the pattern of being attracted to the same type of men and in feeling better emotionally and psychologically from this last relationship.

 

It may be possible that you subconsciously attract men with similar personalities as a way to "correct" for a past relationship with your first love, an adult male role model/parent, etc. If something had gone amiss in the past, with that sort of a male figure, your mind may be seeking ways to "make up" for what had never materialized whether it is seek approval/affection, etc. Mistakenly you've been seeking it from the wrong individual. Of course, there could be other causes. These men may be drawn to women that they feel are voiceless and thus, they abuse them.

Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
Dr Rossi and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I recognize healing takes a lot of time, and I love being single right now. The difference in getting out of relationships in the past, and the difference today is that I have no interest in men whatsoever. I don't get lonely because I have children and family and friends that I frankly can't get enough of! I cannot believe how free I feel from such strife and pain I experienced with my husband, and the trouble in my mind and in my life was truly, mostly my husband. I am the first to take responsibility for my actions and behavior, and I am told I feel too responsible for other things and people not even within my control. I have been told I'm a push over growing up, when I feel more empowered today about what I need and I want from others. I'm a stereotypical middle child who got along remarkably well with everyone in a large family.

 

Now when I approach the dating world down the road, how the hell am I supposed to know when someone is a con? I love my life with my teenagers, and family members who seem to need me more of late. I miss intimacy and companionship, but am too shell shot to even think about it. I want to know how spot BS in men before I get coated with it and my heart becomes involved (hence skewed!) in rational behavior.

Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 3 years ago.

It is hard knowing that someone is a con. But, you would look at the big picture when you meet someone- what is their life like not only when dating someone but in general. Are they easy to get along with others, what have they accomplished, what are their inspirations, how much do they share of that life with you (do you get included, respected, do they show a genuine interest in you as a person not just a partner, etc)

People tend to show you more of what you want to see in the beginning of a relationship. As time goes on and their guard gets down, you see more of the real person. It is ok for you to be cautious and take your time getting to know someone and letting them know you. When a person respects you, they understand where you're coming from. There is no need to rush into things. Taking things slow and allowing yourself the freedom you enjoy is healthy and wise. Your heart gets involved when you let it. If a person betrays your expectations, that is not your fault. Vulnerability comes with trusting others.

Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
Dr Rossi and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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