I've been seeing this guy, we'll call him mark off and on for two years. I love him to death, but I don't feel he treats me right. After our very first date, he went for another girl he met at some party. When she rejected him, a few months later he attempted dating me. Various break ups included his heart was just not into it, etc. But when I'd accept his excuses and allow the break up, he'd always come back. After a while, he refused to make our relationship facebook official (I know it's silly, but they do mean something). Keep in mind this guy said he wanted to marry me and had even gone engagement ring shopping, yet didn't want anyone to know about that and no one of our friends knew we were still seeing one another, except my friends. He told his coworkers I'm his girlfriend, and his roommates, but I'm not. I haven't been for three months. I wanted to be.... I left for europe for a month to get some clarity hoping he'd miss me and realize what he really wanted. I came back to roses and more marriage talk and it was all lovely... except when I demanded we make it official. We did... for four hours then he called my crying saying he wasted my time for two years and that he was a jerk and that he's been suffering from suicidal tendencies and depression. That was odd considering he seemed so much happier earlier in the day.
I decided to forgive him, though this wasn't the first time he's tried to do something like this and blame suicide and depression. He had done it before, usually for things he does wrong (like the fact that after we had a break and broke up, he kept trying to pursue the girl who rejected him two years ago, while trying to still sleep with me although we were broken up. Thankfully I'd told him no but when I found out he began crying and called his relatives claiming he was drunk and sitting outside a gun shop. )
This time instead of freaking out and crying and asking why I said.... we did everything we could. We tried for two years. I can't make someone love me. It's time to move on. He asked to be friends and i said okay well a week passed and he asked me to go to the mall to help him pick out some sweaters and the entire time he's trying to hold my hand and later texted me about how sexy I looked while he was pumping his gas and I sat in the passenger seat. I told him this was inappropriate behavior.
A close friend of two and half years asked me on a date and I agreed, and when we went out, we really hit it off. My ex called right after the date and all I said was that it went well. We got off the phone, and then he called me the other day to describe to me how he still thought about me sexually. I again advised him to go take a nap and shower and not mention those things anymore. He left a little upset. The very next day he calls me saying my pet name and telling me he loves me then dropping on me that he's seeing someone he used to work with But I took it with grace and he said she made him happy and smiley so I told him he should totally pursue it and that I was happy for us both that we both found people we were into and could move on romantically.
He says well, I'd see you today to help you with that thing I promised but I don't feel comfortable. I said that it was okay, and then he stressed he really needed to go so I said farewell, and I thought everything ended well.
Well two days pass of silence ( a rarity as he always texts me first thing in the morning and then calls at least once a day) third day, I'm deleted from facebook. I texted him and told him it was okay he deleted me, that if he feels his life is better off without me in his life that I understood, he'd always be special, and all I want is to see him happy.
another week passes of no contact, he untags himself from all our photos together on facebook. The next week after that he starts commenting right after me on every mutual friends wall, never addressing me or anything I said, but just commenting after me. Third week of no contact, he bans me.
He should be happy that after he dumps someone they move on. I've given enough of my life and time to him and he was my first love, first everything. He had never not contacted me within five days even after a break up in the past, but I guess because I entered a relationship. I texted him and asked him for closure and called him and he just let his phone ring and ring. I also wanted a one item back that cost me a good chunk of change so I asked for that and wanted to return a pocket knife he gave me that had sentimental value and one of his old t shirts. He is not responding to that. It's like he doesn't want me to have closure or move on, and he doesn't want to return my belongings. What is going on? why is he being this way? There have been other situations in the past that have been odd as well and unhealthy. What also, can I do to move on? He was my first ever relationship and I was eager to make it work. I'm trying to put on a brave face and act as though I'm fine with his seemingly passive aggressive behavior,but it does affect me. Also, I'm fearful as the trend has been that once I'm single or in due time regardless, that this man will contact me again. I'm twenty one, and he's twenty six, and we are both in college. There's more to the story but I'm trying to simplify things as much as possible and stick to recent events at this time. I could really use the advice.
I've tried talking to friends, I've tried avoiding thinking about it all together by distracting myself with activities, but when it's thing after thing every week and you're already upset, it's hard to focus on much else.
Thank you for contacting JustAnswer.
I'm sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time. When a relationship ends it can be very overwhelming, producing many of the same feelings as when someone you love dies. Grieving the loss of the relationship, as well as the loss of what you hoped the relationship might become can be a difficult process. It sounds as if this relationship has never been what you have wanted, and that you have not been able to trust this man to keep his promises and act in a trustworthy way. I would suggest that you ask yourself why you have allowed him to continue to have contact with you given the way you have been treated by him. In some ways you have been encouraging or accepting this contact, despite not being treated with respect by him. Is this what you want in your life?
You might want to consider individual therapy to explore ways to set boundaries appropriately and to recognize that you deserve someone who will treat you with respect and caring. Other tools such as exercise, eating healthy, structuring your days with some social interaction, meditation, volunteering, working and avoiding alcohol, which is a depressant, can all be quite helpful. This is a time to work on taking good care of yourself and building your self esteem and confidence and to give yourself unconditional love. Remember that each relationship, no matter how long it lasts can be an opportunity to learn and grow. I hope this is helpful. Please let me know if I can help further.
Lori,When we first initiated the relationship officially, it was what I wanted, but over time I feel perhaps his insecurities came in the way? After four months of dating he took me to meet his family. His brother showed up four hours late and we left after meeting him but my boyfriend called him a mooch. I suggested he not call him that as I just met him and didn't want to judge him. He got really angry about this and began yelling about how he can talk about his family however he wants and it's not my place to tell him anything. we sat in silence on the car ride home and as I was about to be dropped off, I tried to apologize and he got angry again so I stepped out of the car as he was yelling, thinking I could just contact him later and we could discuss this civily. I wake up the next morning to a facebook message from him saying he was breaking up with me and how he had gotten insanely drunk and about how I was disrespectful. He had called his family during this time to complain and they haven't liked me or invited me up there since even though I always bring them back something when I go to travel or even try to include them in Christmas and give them gifts.Though the way in which he acted was very back and forth, I did attempt to trust him, and I do know that at least for the most part he was faithful, though I am unsure it was because he still had strong emotion for me, or if it was because the women he went on other dates with weren't as interested in him as he was in them. I feel that the relationship was very back and forth, he'd do something sweet like hide flowers or candy in his car for me and wait for me to find it, or send me flowers on valentines day. He baked me a cheese cake once from scratch, and even went out of his way to take me back to his house during this horrible flood at our school. So maybe because of those sweet moments I was more willing to deal with the bad? He was the first person I ever dated and after five months, I did lose my virginity to him, and coming from an Islamic background (Im from Bosnia) I really took him seriously and wanted to make it work.What I would like for him is for him to stay true to his word. I guess I should be very angry with him, and I have been, but I feel perhaps he feels power when I'm angry and it hasn't gotten me anywhere in the past, so I've been trying to take the higher ground, and be supportive. I have been scheduling an appointment with a therapist at school so perhaps that will help. I do exercise, but that's something I've always done, I hang out with friends, I talk it out with them, and I work part time and go to school full time. I also abhor alcohol and live a drug free lifestyle. I even hesitate to take an aspirin. I keep replaying this situation back in my head but can't figure anything out by myself and my friends don't really help by saying he's a jerk. There are more layers to a person than that. I long to understand, and through understanding I feel I can move forward.I am still confused as to why he took my happiness for him and encouragement in his new pursuit and decided to delete me, and ultimately ban me when I wasn't bothering him whatsoever? Why would he do that? Also, why does he refuse to accept back his belongings and return mine. Why am I all of sudden being ignored?
Thank you for the additional information. It sounds as it this man's behavior has a pattern of being erratic. This may be passive/aggressive or manipulative behavior that he is displaying. However, rather than focusing on his motives, which could be many, I would encourage you to work through this issue with your therapist. The more attention that you give him, both actually and in your thoughts, the more power you give him to hurt you. Refocusing on things that you can control may be much healthier for you. I wish you the best with this issue. Please let me know if I can help further.
Do you think that in time there will be an attempt at contact from him yet again given his erratic behavior? What do you think a man like this may hope to gain from expressing this sort of behavior? Is it because he did not perhaps get the reaction he wanted and perhaps wanted me to be upset and jealous about his dating lifestyle? Do you think he wants to hurt me, and if so, then he didn't love me at all, in which case, would the appropriate term be obsession?How do I deal with his friends who dislike me and coworkers who now dislike me, as he is a charming and sweet seeming guy. I've gotten a few threatening messages from family members in the past.I will have to go ahead and let go of the belongings he still has of mine then as I feel I won't be getting them back. Is it inappropriate to send back his belongings via mail?
It would be probable that he will attempt to recontact you again since this seems to be his pattern. You may want to plan ahead for how you want to deal with this when it happens. I cannot comment on his motives beyond what I have said, but would encourage you to work on your thoughts and feelings rather than his. I would suggest being very matter of fact with his friends, family and coworkers. Their judgment is obviously not based on the whole story. You have the right to call the authorities if you get threatening messages from anyone. You may have to accept the loss of your belongings as the price to pay for ending this destructive relationship. It would be perfectly acceptable to return his belongings via mail if this is what feels right to you. I wish you the best with this.
Psychologist, Hypnotherapist & Divorce Coach providing marital therapy for over 20 years.