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Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience:  Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
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Ask Jennifer. Hi Jennifer. I am having some problems with

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Ask Jennifer. Hi Jennifer. I am having some problems with Lisa that have taken me some time to pin point. One of the issues is that she says we can go out with friends but then at the last minute she bails when I told them we would go and I look like an idiot. Then she says go wo her which would be fine if i didn't get the guilt trip attitude. This is a big issue. She says it is because she wants a date night on a fri or sat night. So nwhen she doesn't get it or we dont go she backs out. This is just one problem. The other problem is lack of oral sex from her which every guy loves. Now it just seems to me that she wants to feel special before she does it like a date night. However if I do it to her she is all over me. All I am saying this is the first girl I feel like I have to beg while the rest never a problem even when things were rocky. She claims she loves doing it but her actions dont show it. Another problem is that she too much of a boss. Like to tell me what to do in my own place. I do love her and she has a lot of positives but to be honest she wearing me down and I am losing the connection. I know because I am thinking about other women. Not sure what to do. thanks
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jennifer replied 6 years ago.

Jennifer :

Hello there! It's great to hear from you again. I think you could solve the first issue by explaining to her that keeping the commitments you make with friends is important to you. Whey any of us break plans with friends repeatedly, we soon find that they stop inviting us! You certainly wouldn't want that to happen in your friendships, particularly given the resentment that it would cause in your relationship with Lisa. Perhaps you could plan one date night each weekend. The other night is reserved for going out with friends -- either as a group, as couples, or just a guys' or girls' night out. If she decides last minute that she's not feeling up to it, that's OK. However, you made a commitment and would like to keep those plans. Tell her you're sorry if that makes her unhappy, but you'd love to make plans for the next day -- What would she like to do? Hopefully spending a date night and allowing her to make plans for the two of you the day after going out with friends will help. Encourage her to go out with friends sometime, too!

Jennifer :

Regarding the other issue, oral sex can be a sensitive subject for people. You might try making a big deal out of it when she DOES perform oral sex by telling her how much you like it and making her feel like that act is a great way to satisfy you sexually. When you feel like she's open to an intimate conversation, feel free to ask her what she likes? What feels good to her? What are her favorite things to do in bed? This opens the door for you to answer the same questions. Hopefully by framing the conversation this way it will allow you to grow together by exploring this area and finding out what pleases you both. If you were to approach it by saying that this is something she doesn't do enough of, she might become defensive and you may not get what you want from the conversation.

Customer :

Hi Jennifer. Um things are a bit rough lately. I have to be honest that her and I talked about the oral thing and a bunch of other stuff. Apparantly she says she loves to do it but she doesnt feel that shes mine because I bring up other girls all ther time. I do have a bad habit doing that. I think its because I never had to be for it ever. Girls or exs just did it whether or not the were happy or in a fight with me. Not sure how to win this one over. And can you believe I am still getting texts from girls who I didnt give a fair chance. Why is it that some women will perform oral or be sexually active whether or not you treat them good and some you have to bend over backwards for. i dont get it.

Expert:  Jennifer replied 6 years ago.
Hi there,

The chat mode only showed your original question (the one you asked in October) -- Thankfully Q&A mode is showing the entire history and your update...

I'm glad to hear you say you agree that you "have a bad habit" of bringing up other girls. That will help you to see where she's coming from and try to curb that behavior. It's obviously an obstacle for her. Test the theory -- See if things improve in the bedroom if you make a serious effort to avoid that habit and focus instead on her. As for why some women will do more than others regardless of how you treat them, I suppose it's a matter of whether it's a priority for them and whether they require being in a healthy relationship before jumping into bed with someone. See if you can look at this as a positive in Lisa's case... She's not someone who engages in sexual acts lightly. Perhaps she needs to feel like the only women in your thoughts before she can truly commit to all aspects of your relationship together.
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