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Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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MY best friend of 24 years, who I love and with whom I have

Resolved Question:

MY best friend of 24 years, who I love and with whom I have been lovers on several occasions over the years, has told me she is having an affair with a married man (for the past 6 weeks). She has been very secretive about it. She said she has told him about she and I, but she won't talk to me at all about him or theseriousness of what is going on of what is going on. It is happening out of town. She and I have been very intimate emotionally, especially the last 4 years and I have been the shoulder she has leaned on and the help she has relied on when even professional craftsmen couldn't meet her exacting requirements on a business construction project. I never felt like I was being used, because I enjoyed being able to relieve the stress of the person I care about. But, now I feel incredibly betrayed and unappreciated. I just can't believe she is exercising such poor judgement and it makes me question my belief in her and in myself. I know we can all be weak at times, but I am having a hard time deciding how to proceed with our relationship. Any guidance you can offer would be much appreciated. I am 59 and she is 52. Neither of us has ever been married. This news today is the toughest emotional blow I have ever felt.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 4 years ago.
Thanks for writing to Just Answer:

It would be helpful to have a few more details---

Is it that she's involved with another man or the fact that he's married that hurts the most?

During your years of friendship and becoming lovers on occasion, were either or both of you also seeing other people during the periods you were intimate?

Why haven't the two of you formed a committed relationship? What gets in the way?

I look forward to hearing back from you and helping you with this question,
Suzanne
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
THANKYOU FOR TAKING MY RELATIONSHIP QUESTION. What bothers me the most about this current situation is that the man she is seeing is married. It always bothers me when she takes up with someone new, but this affects my belief in her judgement and the affection and respect I have developed over the term of our friendship. I have wanted to form the relationship, but she says when she really thinks about it she regards XXXXX XXXXX as her brother than her lover. Despite how much she relies on me and shares intimate health and life subjects with me as soon as I react by seeking more commitment, she immediately puts up her defenses. When we were lovers neither of us was seeing anyone else. Despite how much I am hurting right now I think ultimately our friendship will survive, but my respect and trust for her is seriously compromised.
Expert:  Suzanne replied 4 years ago.
I think your reaction is both appropriate and normal. It is wrong for her to be seeing a married man, and it does reflect negatively on her....she knows that, deep inside, and it's probably why she's being so tight-lipped about it, even though he lives in another town.

We all make mistakes and have to live them down and hope our friends forgive us. However, learning this about her may help you finally let go of the hopes of a relationship with her someday...if she doesn't respect the bonds of marriage, it doesn't bode well for her being faithful when and if she marries. You may have dodged a bullet here...

I hope you find a good and faithful woman who truly appreciates you,
Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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