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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1692
Experience:  PHD LPC
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I ll be honest I have fallen for a girl I have been dating

Customer Question

I ll be honest I have fallen for a girl I have been dating after 4 months but I feel I have started to become clingy. This has happened before and now I feel I cant rescue the relationship and feel she has complete power over the relationship plus I realise its a big turn off? I feel like I cant go back to what we had at the start of the relationship. What do you suggest? Is it just a case of she is not the right one ?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 3 years ago.
Chat Conversation Started
Dr. Keane :

Hi, can you tell me how old you are first.

Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 3 years ago.
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Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 3 years ago.
It looks as though the chat isn't working.
Historically men fall harder, faster and deeper when they feel they have met the right person. So you are right in there feeling as you do. Your reason for being so clingy could be th simple fact that you want to be with her, or you are afraid that she doesn't feel the same way about you. There are other reasons that are related to the way you think about yourself.
If she is not happy with your behavior you have choices, one is tough, walk away painful as it may feel, there should not be a power struggle in a relationship and having one in such a short period of time doesn't bode well for the future. Since I don't know how old you are, your dating history etc it's difficult to pinpoint what is happening. In regards XXXXX XXXXX second choice you need to look at you. Since this isn't the first time you have felt this way, that is hint that you may have some issues with your self esteem that need to be addressed. You may not feel worthy of her (hence, she gets the power). In any relationship that flourishes there is a give and take between the couple. If you sense that she has all the power then she let it be known that her boundaries are not to be crossed (by being clingy). I would suggest you find a therapist and explore your self esteem issues.
She just may not be the right one as you alluded to in your post. Each relationship you have teaches you something, this one may be that you need to take care of your issues first. You will meet the "right" one and you will know it, it may not be anything you envisioned, no bursts of fireworks, but you'll know and when you do you won't feel the need to be clingy. There will be mutual trust and love between both of you. That's when it is right.
Please click accept and leave feedback. If you are a subscription customer or unlimited question customer you still need to click accept. Thank you and good luck.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Yes you highlight a good point that the relationship doesnt feel a 100% comfortable and it seems to happen that when I meet a girl realise I like her I feel they dont feel the same about me. Maybe it is self esteem issues I dont know but I was hurt before when I was 20 after dating a girl for 3 years from 17. I am now 29 so should be over this but I get to a point in a relationship normally after 4 months and then start this power struggle no idea why ! I now feel a bit trapped but I told her how I feel and that she needs to open up a bit more in the relaitonship, and that she needs to let me into her life a bit more. She has been hurt before by an ex boyriend and admits she wants to go slow, needs alot of space and hates clinginess, so I am obivously treding carefully but feel after this amount of time we should be seeing each other a bit more. I mean we go for a drink maybe 2 -3 times a week then go back to mine and obvisouly have fun ! This is great however she leaves after sex to go home, she says she feels uncomfortable sleeping with someone for the whole night as she has been single for so long. She doesnt like romantic things, hates going out for dinner, making plans, and prefers going with the flow. I however do quite like these things but she says her x boyfriend wasnt like this and she is not used to it. I feel this is not the way to have a relationship but she assures me she will try and adapt ! Anyway its complicated as well because I work alot and she is in the final year of university !!
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

The chat also doesnt seem to work so maybe we could organise a time and date or is this not possible !

Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 3 years ago.
Hi, Chat was not successful , sorry about that. From you last post it sounds as though she is very guarded, probably due to her past experiences with her ex. If she won't make plans it does sound as if, to her, this is a casual, cautious relationship right now. She needs to trust you and if she needs to go about this more slowly then you do, then that's the way it is. Once a person has been hurt by another they carry the fear that it may happen again goes with them in subsequent relationships. The best way to get over the fear is trust and good communication skills. Right now you are not on the "same page" so you need to give it some time for the ,trust to develop and for her focus to be on the relationship. If you are wiling to go slow.y you may see that a sense of comfort will develop and you won't feel so trapped. It very well may be that she isn't the right one but only time and your decision to either give it a go or not will tell. If a relationship at this stage feels like it's a lot of "work" (and this one sounds like it it) then you should rethink it. You would also benefit from examining your own self esteem issues in therapy.
Please click accept and leave feedback. If you are a subscription customer or unlimited question customer you still need to click accept so I get credit for my answer. Thank you.

Edited by Dr. Keane on 10/11/2010 at 2:16 PM EST
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Appreciate the quick answer and one last series of questions. My difficulty is that I m not sure what to do. It does feel like it is going to be complicated but may get better with time however I just dont know how long that is going to be, no one does except her ! My ultimate question is in your experience does this sound like its worth investing time in, I mean yes I do really like her but her being so closed off makes me slightly insecure, althought I dont think I am, I know she is not the one to cheat but purely if I have only seen her two or three times a week and she hasnt got much on, it starts to play on your mind !! I m starting to realise I dont think this is anything to do with me, I think I m luckily quite normal in these situations. I mean all I have asked for - after 4 months of seeing each other - is a bit more time together and asked her to open up a bit more nothing else. I mean for me this is not asking too much and the funny thing is she agrees so I suppose it boils down to the fact, do I want to invest time in this or not or is this all just too complicated especially after 4 months. So difficult to be decisive in these situations but suppose I just have to grab the bull by the horns. Relationships !!!
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 3 years ago.
Hi, You have broken this down and made very intelligent, well thought out comments during our posts. You aren't asking for much but whatever you are asking for she isn't willing to give because she doesn't see this the way you do, nor have the emotional ability to be involved in a relationship . I would certainly think twice about investing more time in it. That's a decision you need to make yourself and from what you have written here I think you are beginning see the need to step back from her and think about what you need and want , if you aren't getting it then it's not right for you. Relationships are complicated and at this point in yours it shouldn't be this difficult.
Please click accept and leave feedback. If you are a subscription customer or unlimited answer customer you still need to click accept so I get credit for my answer. Thank you.
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1692
Experience: PHD LPC
Dr. Keane and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Yes thanks I have accepted your reply and appreciate your help. I haven't come to a decsion because I had quite a good talk with her a few nights ago. She did say something that hit the spot though and now I have a clear understanding of what she needs at the moment. I said to her that it seems she has built up a wall which I get but what i dont get is her unwillingness to adapt a bit and make some time for someone who isnt going to treat her badly. Her reponse was that she d by lying if she could assure me that she can adapt. She said she has never had to handle a relationship and so much work (final year) and that she cannot predict how she ll be. She said maybe she ll put the effort in, but also said that she thinks all this talking was to warn me that she probably cant if the amount of pressure from her uni is too high. The past 2 years she has didnt have a personal life and she thinks that is why she has done so well with her studies however she did say maybe she is wrong and she wont know until she is in the situation. I can clearly see now that I either have to make a decision quickly because its eating at me inside every day. Do I stick with her and take what she has to offer or leave her and take nothing. Difficult thing is that I do really like her and am conscious I may make a decision based on what my heart says and not my head ! I do see this as complicated however spoke to a friend who has been in a long distant relationship for 7 years. They say each other once every 5 weeks and this has worked well. I mean my situation is different because it seems this girl has other deep rooted issues such as not wanting to stay at my house, not wanting to be romantic, things that I actually quite like. Am I willing to sacrifice this though and stick with her to see if things improve?!! For sure millions of people across the world are in the same situation, some get out while they still can others deal with these issues and get used to them ! Question is which one am I !!!!!! I still havent decided, does my writing suggest otherwise ? If you could reply once more I would appreciate then ill leave you to get on to advice others. I will let you know what I ve decided though haha thanks again !

Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 3 years ago.
Hi, no problem asking me to continue on this subject. If you had a good talk with her and she is interested in you but can't commit due to pressure from other areas then you are okay at this point. As you know, once you fall in love with someone that tends to become all you can think about. She may not be able to focus on finishing her schooling and dealing with a relationship. She needs to stay completely focused on her one goal. Some people need the discipline of being myopic, she may be one of them. You want more and if you are willing to slow down a bit and relish the type of relationship you have now you may see it grow once she is finished her studies. It's your choice and it's a risk, but anything worthwhile can be risky. You may find in time that it isn't working for you and you can end it then, or it may turn out to be worth the wait.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Ok so last message ! So she says she needs time to adjust to school and she cant handle the two things at the same time it freaks her out to have other obligations other than her work. My reply was that I completely understood how important this was to her. A bit of background she joined university late and feels she owes it to herself and her family to do well, so I absolutely understand that. My reply was that I was prepared to be patient and live her off time schedule, she knows mine, I mean I work so 9-6 and then have weekends normally free so I can work around her. I have no idea how this is going to work but well see over time. She just wanted to make sure that I understand that she wont be able to feel bad if she cant see me she hopes I can find my place in this alongside her commitment especially in the begining because she has to hand her thesis question in inside of 3 months. Maybe this is a good time period to see if I am comfortable with this. Her final note was that she was sorry but just cant find an alternative at the moment. I said I was cool with it and she has thanked me for being understanding. Lets see how it goes but so far she is avoiding me and not texting so maybe I just need to give her some time to settle back into school and not distract her concentration....Wow difficult but hopefully worthwhile in the long run ....?!
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 3 years ago.
She has been honest with letting you know for her it's a bit more difficult to handle both school and a relationship. Now you know she appreciates your understanding so you know is isn't really avoiding you, she is doing what she needs to do for now. So give her the time to settle and keep the texts to a minimum. good luck.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Ok so we broke up! She sent me a message last night saying she just cant deal with the two things at once. She said she feels horrible but realises a relationship during her final year is too risky. She owes it to herself and her family to do well and just cant have any distractions. I also feel that this girl was too complicated for me given her past experiences and the fact she finds it hard to do the most simple things in a relationship for example go for dinner. I think all this time I was trying to find a solution to the problem and I just couldnt. I hate not being able to change that and for me it was a challenge and I love a challenge. I have realised though that with this relationship I need a bit of a wavy relationship however not too wavy! If I dont get this i get bored, if it is too easy. I got sucked into this girl because I treated her like university project, constantly looking for ways to do better but I think if its that complicated then it best too end things. So end result she is in the wrong stage of her life for a relationship and in my opinion has some issues to deal with from her previous relationship. One final question from this feed we have had do you think I can improve on any areas. I feel after 4 months I needed to bring up the direction of the relationship, i.e. where is this going. From that point it went downhill, I feel I scared her and I m kind of thinking in some part she is using her final year as an excuse to end the relationship. I mean if you want to be with someone then you make the effort ? Maybe this is an insecurity problem and she is being 100% truthful ...
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 3 years ago.
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