Thank you for contacting JustAnswer.
I am sorry to hear about the problems you are experiencing in your marriage. It sounds as if it is time for you to "renegotiate your contract" with your husband. A first step is to let him know how you feel about him, along with a frank talk with him explaining that this arrangement is no longer acceptable and outlining what you need from him. You may want to do this in writing or in person, however you believe he may hear this differently than in the past. It may be that he is suffering from depression, or that he has been enabled by his parents and perhaps you, to not have to pull his fair share of the load in the family. Either way, it is not healthy for the share of the responsibilities to be so different. He may be using the response about you not wanting him around in order to manipulate you into giving up, or he may truly feel unlovable, which may again point to a possible depression. Either way, the current situation certainly seems unreasonable.
While you can't change his behavior, you can begin to be clear with him that you will no longer accept these behaviors. You can set boundaries where you can not do extra things for him if they will not impact you. It can be a difficult balance to judge whether it is better to stay in an unhealthy marriage or to end the marriage. This is a decision only you can make. In the meantime, you may want to try couples therapy to help him understand how serious your concerns are and work on a resolution. If he refuses, then you may want to consider individual therapy as well in order to get some support for yourself, build up your self esteem, help you to set boundaries, and take good care of yourself. In the meantime, be sure to take care of yourself through healthy eating, exercise, rest and reaching out to supportive people in your life. I hope this is helpful. Please let me know if I can clarify further.
Thank you for your response. I agree, this is- for now- an unhealthy marriage. There are so many other things going on, and I only wrote about a slice of it. I don't know how different, if at all, your response would be if you had the whole picture. However, we did have a huge discussion last night about ALL of it, and basically the way it ended up was we both agreed we have been insensitive to one another's feelings and needs. I told him I can't change HIM, I can only change myself, and the way I act and react to things. I explained that I have done alot of soul searching and basically am examining myself and opening myself up in order to be a better person and be better at taking care of ME. I feel this will enable me to be better towards him. I have alot of resentment towards him for alot of things, so last night I told him about all of it. I think maybe, just maybe, I found a level on which we understood one another. I am seriously considering a therapist for myself, I wish he would go too, but I think it would help, at least for me. Sometimes I feel like I am going completely insane. I've raised three kids and never did any of them present such an emotional brick wall as he does sometimes. I honestly do not know if it is him or myself that is making this feel so hopeless at times. Right now I am going to take it day by day and see if we fall back into the old pattern, or if the talk really helped. If it did, then great. But if not, I know I need help somewhere. Divorce is NOT an option- this is my 4th marriage and I have cut and run three times before when things got bumpy- I will not let myself do it again. I need to stand up and face the issues and fight to keep this marriage together. He knows and understands it takes two- I can't do it alone. Today I feel things are better....who knows what tomorrow brings. Again- thank you for your response. Do you think I am on the right track here? Or am I just headed for disaster? We really do love each other.
Thank you for the additional information. It sounds as if you were able to share your feelings in a way that your husband could finally here. That sounds like progress. Keep in mind though that it is hard work to change patterns that have been going on for years. This is where the help of a therapist could be invaluable to keep you on track and help to give you support. It definitely sounds like you are on a good course to work on what you can control and attempt to make things happier and healthier for you and the marriage. I hope that your husband also shows that he is willing to work on changes. Please let me know if I can help further.