How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Lori Gephart Your Own Question

Lori Gephart
Lori Gephart, Licensed Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience:  Psychologist, Hypnotherapist & Divorce Coach providing marital therapy for over 20 years.
45699345
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Lori Gephart is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My husband is very lazy. We both work full time. Every time

Resolved Question:

<p>My husband is very lazy. We both work full time. Every time I ask him to help with the house chores, which I do 90% of, he says I am tired of him and that he will never be good enough or will never make me happy. I have begged and pleaded for him to meet me halfway on this and he always throws it back at me for asking for too much. He says he deals with stress at work (he's a school district police officer for an alternative school) and he doesn't need it from me too. What am I doing wrong?</p><p>We are both 50 years old and are empty nesters. We own our home and we also have two big dogs and a cat to care for. I make sure all the bills get paid every month- he does not help me with that either. When a bill comes in the mail, he puts it on the table for me- he doesn't even open it. He doesn't know much about how much we owe to whom and when, even tho I have also asked for help in that area. He says "he's not good at math", so he can't help me.</p><p>In his defense, I am a neat freak and a perfectionist (to a point). I know I can be hard to live with sometimes. our house is small and I hate clutter. Clutter does not bother him- at all.</p><p>He works at a school, so he has summers and most holidays off- I do not. All summer, while I am working 40 hours per week, he is home watching tv or playing on the internet. When I get home from work, I have to make dinner, do the laundry, clean the house, etc. He does take out the trash and does the yardwork when he feels like it.</p><p>I am so confused as to why he tells me I just don't want to be with him every time I ask him to help more around the house!!! HELP!</p>
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Lori Gephart replied 4 years ago.

Thank you for contacting JustAnswer.

 

I am sorry to hear about the problems you are experiencing in your marriage. It sounds as if it is time for you to "renegotiate your contract" with your husband. A first step is to let him know how you feel about him, along with a frank talk with him explaining that this arrangement is no longer acceptable and outlining what you need from him. You may want to do this in writing or in person, however you believe he may hear this differently than in the past. It may be that he is suffering from depression, or that he has been enabled by his parents and perhaps you, to not have to pull his fair share of the load in the family. Either way, it is not healthy for the share of the responsibilities to be so different. He may be using the response about you not wanting him around in order to manipulate you into giving up, or he may truly feel unlovable, which may again point to a possible depression. Either way, the current situation certainly seems unreasonable.

 

While you can't change his behavior, you can begin to be clear with him that you will no longer accept these behaviors. You can set boundaries where you can not do extra things for him if they will not impact you. It can be a difficult balance to judge whether it is better to stay in an unhealthy marriage or to end the marriage. This is a decision only you can make. In the meantime, you may want to try couples therapy to help him understand how serious your concerns are and work on a resolution. If he refuses, then you may want to consider individual therapy as well in order to get some support for yourself, build up your self esteem, help you to set boundaries, and take good care of yourself. In the meantime, be sure to take care of yourself through healthy eating, exercise, rest and reaching out to supportive people in your life. I hope this is helpful. Please let me know if I can clarify further.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Lori-

Thank you for your response. I agree, this is- for now- an unhealthy marriage. There are so many other things going on, and I only wrote about a slice of it. I don't know how different, if at all, your response would be if you had the whole picture. However, we did have a huge discussion last night about ALL of it, and basically the way it ended up was we both agreed we have been insensitive to one another's feelings and needs. I told him I can't change HIM, I can only change myself, and the way I act and react to things. I explained that I have done alot of soul searching and basically am examining myself and opening myself up in order to be a better person and be better at taking care of ME. I feel this will enable me to be better towards him. I have alot of resentment towards him for alot of things, so last night I told him about all of it. I think maybe, just maybe, I found a level on which we understood one another. I am seriously considering a therapist for myself, I wish he would go too, but I think it would help, at least for me. Sometimes I feel like I am going completely insane. I've raised three kids and never did any of them present such an emotional brick wall as he does sometimes. I honestly do not know if it is him or myself that is making this feel so hopeless at times. Right now I am going to take it day by day and see if we fall back into the old pattern, or if the talk really helped. If it did, then great. But if not, I know I need help somewhere. Divorce is NOT an option- this is my 4th marriage and I have cut and run three times before when things got bumpy- I will not let myself do it again. I need to stand up and face the issues and fight to keep this marriage together. He knows and understands it takes two- I can't do it alone. Today I feel things are better....who knows what tomorrow brings. Again- thank you for your response. Do you think I am on the right track here? Or am I just headed for disaster? We really do love each other.

Jill

Expert:  Lori Gephart replied 4 years ago.

Thank you for the additional information. It sounds as if you were able to share your feelings in a way that your husband could finally here. That sounds like progress. Keep in mind though that it is hard work to change patterns that have been going on for years. This is where the help of a therapist could be invaluable to keep you on track and help to give you support. It definitely sounds like you are on a good course to work on what you can control and attempt to make things happier and healthier for you and the marriage. I hope that your husband also shows that he is willing to work on changes. Please let me know if I can help further.

Lori Gephart, Licensed Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience: Psychologist, Hypnotherapist & Divorce Coach providing marital therapy for over 20 years.
Lori Gephart and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thank you!

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 

Related Relationship Questions

Chat Now With A Counselor
Lori Gephart
Lori Gephart
Counselor
259 Satisfied Customers
Psychologist, Hypnotherapist & Divorce Coach providing marital therapy for over 20 years.