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Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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I have been seeing a man, who I have known for years. He is

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I have been seeing a man, who I have known for years. He is my brother's wife's brother (make sense)? Anyways, he has been married until about two years ago. We flirted and played around, and it eventually led to us having sex, which is amazing. So we saw eachother almost everynight for two weeks. If we were not together we were talking/texting constantly. It wasn't always about sex, sometimes he would come over just to cuddle and sleep. Almost every time we got together was his idea. Some nights we would just watch tv, or I would make dinner. Early on, things were so comfortable already, and he said it was too much too soon. But we took only a one day break after that, then things just went on as usual with us. This whole time, we kept it a secret from our families, that would have took things to a whole new level that we were not ready for.

So we had plans for Tuesday night. Normally we would send a text (or sext) almost every hour doing the count down untill the time we saw eachother. So Monday he is very quiet all day. Figured he was just busy, so at the end of the day, I sent a "count down" message, and he was really short. I asked what was up with the weird vibe. He informed me, that before things got to be more then just fun and sex with us, that he was seeing other people, and wanted me to know that. He said he has an on again off again thing going with someone else and although he had not been sleeping with her while we were together, he would be sleeping with her in the future. I told him I couldn't handle that, and sorry but it was not ok with me, and I could not keep seeing him knowing he wanted to sleep with other people. He said he does not want a relationship with anyone, just wants fun and sex and dating right now.

So part of me understands, that yes he was married for 25 years, and just got divorced. So, I can understand why he is not ready. I had a blast with him too, we had a great time together. He never led me on or lied to me, and he is a pretty good guy. The facts are, I'm ready and interested in more then sex, and he is not.

What I'm confused about, or questioning, is my reaction. I was upset, but didnt' get angry or say anything out of line. I'm wondering, if I should just lighten up and keep playing with him, I miss him, and I don't really see anything wrong with it, and I can keep dating other people too, and maybe find what I'm looking for with someone else without giving him up. But at the same time, will I be able to handle it, and not keep wanting more from him even though I know he is not available?? Part of me just wants to try it out, see how it goes and if it starts making me feel bad, then stop seeing him. The other part of me thinks, why put myself through it? I just don't know.

I feel silly asking a counselor online, but I want an objective opinion.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 4 years ago.
Thanks for writing to Just Answer.

The part of you that is telling you not to put yourself through it is the part that is actually working in your behalf.

While there is nothing wrong with adult consensual sex, there is a very good reason that women usually are the ones feeling hurt after a while.

There is a hormone, called oxytocin, that causes people to bond--when a woman gives birth, there is a ton of that hormone released, and that's what causes her to bond so tightly to the infant. There is also research being done to give this hormone to people with autism to help them relate to others better.

This same hormone is released during sex, and more so with orgasm. Once you have slept with a man a number of times and this hormone gets released, you will feel bonded to him....regardless of whether he's good for you or not.

Here are a couple of articles on this phenomenon:

Science behind falling in love

“Cuddle” hormone

 

So even though your head tells you to go on and enjoy the great sex until something better comes along, it will be almost impossible for you to do this and let go at the end and not feel devastated--due to this hormone. Think how badly you've been feeling after just two weeks with him. The more hormone that gets release, the more the attachment. The pain after sleeping with him for months will be that much more intense.

And because you are looking for a committed relationship, continuing with this man is a really bad idea. The type of man you are looking for--stable, trustworthy, monogamous--is not likely to think that a person who is in a sex-only arrangement has those same characteristics. Like attracts like. If you want monogamy, practice monogamy.

There is an incredible book I've found that will help you figure out exactly what you want in a man, and how to find it. Even though it has a cheesy cover, the material inside should be required reading for all women in the dating world. I highly recommend it (as if you couldn't tell :-)

Temptations of the Single Girl

 

I wish you the best. Consider it a favor that he only led you on for two weeks...there's something better for you out there!

Suznne

 


Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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