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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi , Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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I have decided to end a relationship with my Mother. It

Resolved Question:

I have decided to end a relationship with my Mother.
It was very difficult but necessary.It was not by choice, but self protection (emotionally).
I've tried to have a relationship with her for many
years only to get re-traumatized and hurt by her ways. She will not own much of what she has done to me and has limited capacity or desire to do so. I tried superficial phone contact even after years of neglect and abuse and that failed. I cant trust her. She
has denied any abuse, talks behind my back and tends
to be manipulative and aggressive.
I know this is the right decision for me, I've never really had a relationship with her and she's unlikely to change. The only thing that has changed is she is realizing (after 20 plus years) of neglect, that
she wants a relationship with me. It's too little too late for me.
My question is: Why do I feel guilt and grief? despite my choice (which I know is healthy) What can I say to myself - SELF TALK to help me through the grief process? thank you Suzanne !
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 5 years ago.

Hi Suzanne,


You are correct- she may never change. It may be not that she does not want to but at this stage in her life that she's not capable (lacks the introspection and spiritual/emotional/psychological/moral development)


You may be feeling guilt and grief because you are still holding onto the hope that things can be different (even if it is a subconscious hope) The guilt comes from the fact that you may feel bad about halting contact with her as her daughter. Both feelings are as a result of what you believe and tell yourself. You'd have to try to see the situation objectively; it is hard but not impossible.


Some internal dialog that you may resort to is "this is how she is; I accept that she has flows like anyone else, In order for me to move on, I've got to let go of the past, my expectations of her match her ability at this point in life, I know what is best for me/I tried and gave her a chance, I won't allow her or the past hold me down..."


You may use autogenic training to strengthen these affirmations or the ones you compose for yourself that you're comfortable with.



When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends: Resolving the Most Complicated Relationship of Your Life by Victoria Secunda (Paperback - May 1, 1991)


Recovery of Your Inner Child: The Highly Acclaimed Method for Liberating Your Inner Self by Lucia Capacchione (Paperback)


Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you for reply. I can understand that she lacks growth in these areas. Why is she not capable at this stage of life? Perhaps too set in her ways? She's very sharp and a fast learner (a computer programmer), but seems crippled in the other ways.

You're right, I subconsciously hold onto hope for a Mother. I'm beginning
to realize things are unlikely to change. Sad and hurtful. I also feel bad for
her. Despite her limitations, she is grieving the loss of a daughter she wish she had.
Seeing her would produce more pain than pleasure for me and I have
a chronic painful condition and cant afford anymore trauma.

Thank you for affirmations. Will I always feel guilt or will I get to a place
of acceptance while rehearsing affirmations?
thanks again !

Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 5 years ago.

She may not be capable because of having lived so long in her way, not having reached the spiritual development to move on (no epiphanies for her) Intellectual knowledge is different from emotional/spiritual growth.


It is hurtful as long as you allow it to hurt you. She is living as best as she could. This is in a way all she's capable of. It would be disappointing and hurtful to expect her to perform at another level that she had not yet reached.


Your affirmations and belief system can move you to the place where you want to be. It may take time and it would depend on you allowing yourself to get there.

Edited by Dr Rossi on 10/6/2010 at 2:52 PM EST
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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