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Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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I am seeing someone. Things were going quite well. We felt

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I am seeing someone. Things were going quite well. We felt natural with each other. He introduced me to his son, his ex wife/ some family. I introduce him to my son. Things happened sexually.no regrets. Everything felt natural. He asked me on saturday about just seeing me and being in a relationship. we both met each other on dating site. I said yes, we discussed others dates we had been dating but not interested. His ex, lives up the street with his son. He has a good relationship with her. She has a weird relationship with new husband. They live in separate housing he lives in another town. I asked him should i worried? he said no. its been 6 years. So that was saturday. Sunday we spoke through phone & text. everything seemed ok. Then monday , he knew i had company. -never heard from him all day. I texted late evening, good night kisses. no response. I called tuesday morning to see if he wanted to meet up for coffee with me and my friend and no response. I finally text and asked was he ok. He said yes. and said he was busy working and would call me later. i said ok. never heard from him. I am worried. should i be? I am a communicator. what would be the best verbal to ask "whats up"?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 3 years ago.

Hi JA customer and thanks for writing.

 

I am sorry no one was able to connect with you in chat. I did read your post and I am sorry that you and the boyfriend have hit a rough patch here.

I think one piece of information would help me a lot to help you and so if you could please let me know?

Was Saturday the first time you were had sex/made love/had sexual intercourse with this man?

thanks so very much for providing enough information so we can best help; you from JA

I look forward to hearing back from you.

Warm regards,

Cathy

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
no. second time. but had the same problem with erection the first time. i did not say anything about it. He did mention he felt we moved too fast sexual. Not that he did not enjoy it, but he wants to take things slower and see where it goes.
Expert:  Cathy replied 3 years ago.

hmmm I do not think that would explain his need to distance himself from you. Have you any other ideas as to why he has chosen to distance himself or can you share any further information that might help me to understand why he is distancing himself?
Thanks for the additional information so we can best help you from here on JA.

Warm regards,

Cathy

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I have no idea. none. I am so distraught. He made jokes all day sunday of his disfunction. We were talking all day sunday thru text . Monday he sent me only one text saying yes, he was ok. busy at work. I asked him to call me later. He said ok. I text him yesterday morning-no response and then I called him late afternoon saying to call me and at least tell me whats going on- i deserve that. I ended conversation with I hope he is ok. never heard a thing. I am so miserable. I really, really liked him. I keep going over what we discussed in our last conversation saturday night. When he asked me to be his girl, he told me of another girl after him -diligently. But she had a boyfriend and clearly not worthy. there was another but she was kinda crazy and I mentioned his wife. I asked if she is unhappy with guy of 6 years she left him for, would he take her back? He said no. He said too many things occured, he would not be able to trust her and no, he was just friends. I was so happy saturday and sunday. what a difference a day makes. This unbelievable silence of not knowing is awful. Any suggestions for me in putting this in a place of perspective? I had told him of the guys of was dating and I had broken off tighs will all except one(which he has no knowledge of) we talked about our ages he is 46 and I am 48. I really can't understand this. The only thing I see to do is back off and wait for him to respond if any. right?
Expert:  Cathy replied 3 years ago.
I am so sorry. I cannot, given what you have posted, see any good reason for him to behave as he has. The only indication would be the sexual issue which he may have over reacted to. He may have disappeared for that reason. Men are very sensitive indeed about sexual performance and that may be the cause?

Other than that the only other issue could be that he was not entirely honest with you about the other girl? Perhaps he was still considering both of you and had not made up his mind.

Either way and no matter what the motivation he had for cutting off all contact with you, I do not see him as a good long term bet, NO MATTER what excuse he eventually might give you in the future. At age 46 he is mature enough to handle his relationships in a far more mature manner and if he is behaving as he is now, you have a red flag that clearly says he is not a stable candidate for partnership.

I know you are distraught as you felt so grand for those two days and I am sure your imagination went into high gear (we all do this when we fall in love/become infatuated with someone) and you were pretty high on love. I know that you are desperate for an explanation or at least some type of closure but I do not think he is going to give you that.

I want you know that more than half of what you are feeling and why you are so miserable is less to do with missing him and more to do with missing the way you felt when you thought you had a future with him. This will help you a lot to put things into perspective. Remind yourself, its not him you miss as much as they way you felt when you were giddy and falling for him.

Next, take your time to heal. Do not contact him in any way. No calling, texting, emailing, no running into him accidentally. Dont answer your phone if it rings from him, let it go to voice mail. Take a few weeks to occupy yourself with anything other than he and then ONLY IF HE CALLS speak to him. Act nonchalantly about what happened (even though you and I know you are devastated he does not need to know this) and behave indifferently.

Regrettably lots of people have lived through what you are enduring now and we know that in time it will get easier. I am somewhat glad he showed his true colors early on before you have invested more time and care in nurturing this relationship. I know that provides you with little comfort but there is some truth to that.

I hope you are feeling better soon. I know hard this is for you but do take your time and focus on moving forward with your life.
I hope you are feeling better soon.
Warm wishes
Cathy
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thank you so much Cathy. You do not know how your words are so close in soothing my broken heart. I have been going through alot of trials and tribulations with a husband that has not given me a divorce-knowing we have to move on (its been a year and a half since separation) and financial wows due to this. Because of my faith in God I strive on to do the right thing by me and my son for a better life. I am going to print up what you said as a reminder for me today. I wanted to reach out to him and tell him if it was the sexual situation, don't worry about it. He did say "don't tell my friends" when I said I was talking about him and I said 'i know, I like you. I am truly sorry if that was the case. We really enjoyed each other.

 

 

Expert:  Cathy replied 3 years ago.
Hi, and thanks for writing back. I know you must be so hurt and disappointed by this man. I also know that you would handle his sexual difficulty with discretion but it appears that he has failed to appreciate you.

I am glad that you have your faith to sustain you through such hardship and I trust that you will be fine in time. All that said, I do wish you had not been subjected to such callous treatment.

Take very good of care and your son and I am hoping you will soon find someone who is able to reciprocate your thoughtfulness and care.
Feel better soon.
Cathy
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hello Cathy.

Update. He finally text me after I "text" this morning. Couldn't help it. I asked him to give me the respect to know what was the "problem". Well, you hit it. It was the embarassment of the sex and clearly a miscommunication on texting. My last texts to him were r u ok? how r u? he thought I was asking about the situation. Men, don't understand them sometimes. The day before he was texting me with jokes regarding the situation. When I had text him r u ok? how r u? I had left a message earlier that morning and never received a response.He then proceeded to tell me that he wanted to take things slow with someone, He liked me and my son but now he felt "uncomfortable" and he did not want to hurt me or my son. he said he was sorry. Should I feel that this is my fault? I don't. I am angry that he feels the need to walk away because of his own inadequacies that I had nothing to do with nor understand because he has not communicated with me.He would not talk to me on the phone. I told him this texting is misleading and their was a miscommunication. I also told him, I am sorry he felt that way, my son and I come as a package. I wish him the best and I wanted him to know I still wanted him after that situation, I didn't know what else to say to him. What else can I do?

Expert:  Cathy replied 3 years ago.

No, I do not think this is your fault at all. NO.

 

I think he is a crummy guy and blaming you for his bad behavior. He is doing you a favor by showing his true colors now.

 

I hope you walk away from this guy and never look back. He is treating you poorly and if you stay you will only see more of the same and worse.

 

You are thoughtful, intelligent and mature. He is not in your league.

Find a new guy and do not give this man a second thought.'

I know you hurt like hell, but walk away, find a new guy and get over this man.

Wish him the best and then find your best.

Yikes.

Best wishes, Cathy

Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience: Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
Cathy and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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