How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Suzanne Your Own Question

Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Suzanne is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My wife said she had a 3 month affair. She desperatly wants

Resolved Question:

My wife said she had a 3 month affair. She desperatly wants me back but i can not stop thinking of her with other men. How can i solve this problem?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 3 years ago.
Thanks for writing to Just Answer.

It seems there are 2 problems here: your recurring thoughts of her being with other men, and her statement that you do not give her a challenge.

I'll address the second one first: Of course, the best way to get an answer is to ask her directly what she means by a challenge, but I'll give you my take on it. She may be missing the flirtatiousness of early dating, where neither one is sure of the other's feelings, and others may be competing for the person. It's unrealistic of her to expect that in the day to day world of marriage.

If she needs more stimulation in her life, it is her job to find it by learning a new skill, going back to school, etc.

But to keep the spark alive, (and this is harder if there are children involved) you could build a little intrigue into your lives by planning a surprise weekend away once in a while. Make all the arrangements and tell her only a few hours before to pack her bags. Anything you can do to break the mundane routine of marriage will help.

As to your recurring thoughts of her being with others....
It would help you to "re-frame" those thoughts into ones that serve you, rather than hurt you.

For example, you could consider that your wife is attractive enough to get another man's attention--but she's choosing to be with you. Some men even use the thoughts to fuel erotic mental fantasies...and this helps them reconnect with their wives sexually, which in turn improves the connection between the two of you. Basically, you make the hard choice to think about those thoughts differently.

Think how much she must love you if she is willing to walk away from the excitement of an affair to be with you.

Women often have affairs as an attempt to recapture the feelings of being desirable, important, and worth pursuing that they had when they first met their husbands. Being taken for granted and not being noticed is very hard for some women. Work on bringing some of the things you did during courtship back into the relationship.

Please consider the two of you going to a marriage counselor. Pick one that you are most comfortable with, as it is usually harder for men to open up in sessions. In the meantime, one of the best books I've found for improving marriages is How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.
(sorry I couldn't find an Australian Amazon equivalent) The book talks about the very different needs of men and women...one of the best explanations I've ever read.

This will be a process...there is no quick easy way to recover from betrayal.
Suzanne



Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I often flert, buy flowers, chocolates etc. I tell her i love her everyday. I clean the house and help with the kids. Am i doing to much? Should i ignore her so she has to work to get my attention?
Expert:  Suzanne replied 3 years ago.
Such a busy day at my practice today...sorry for the delay in responding.

I hesitate to encourage you to ignore her...but maybe tone down the traditional chocolates, flowers, etc and do things less often...but more spontaneous and unpredictable. Like if she hears about a book she wants to read--surprise her with it. Instead of flowers, maybe an appointment for a massage or manicure. When gifts become predicable, they make less of an impression. Make them relate to her personally....her interests.

As much as possible, within the confines of having a family with kids, add spontaneity to your life together.

When you give compliments, make them very specific.... "The color of that blouse really brings out the color of your eyes." "Your hair looks really good today...did you do something special to it?"

Hope this gives you some ideas...
Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
Suzanne and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency