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Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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My boyfriend and I had been together for 3.5 years. Two months

Resolved Question:

My boyfriend and I had been together for 3.5 years. Two months ago, he proposed to me, but immediately took it back, claiming he'd "made a big mistake." He then expressed interest in breaking up, but I managed to get him to tell me why he felt that way. He said it was because I had become depressed and angry at being jobless and it was hard to live with me. I agreed with his claims and went about self-improvement (I did it for myself - not just for him or the relationship). After the changes were made, he talked about how positive I had become. I even felt much better and the relationship was going very well! Then I had to move 3 hours away to do student teaching. We still talked online, by phone, and visited a few weekends. My student teaching made me even happier than I could imagine and I knew he'd be even more excited to see my positive attitude and my inspiration. This past weekend, however, he came to visit me and promptly broke up with me, claiming he had been living alone and "really liked the single life." He also claimed he hadn't felt love for me in awhile. He was unflinching in this position no matter how I tried to cajole or rationalize. What can I do now? I'd really like him back, as the relationship was something really special; all our friends commented that we were such a rare and compatible couple. Our sense of humor was similar, we had similar outlooks on life, we were in tune. The breakup was so out-of-place. Can you tell me what you think his deal is? Can I get him back?<br /><br />I also feel as if I must add that he's made gestures of commitment before. I've always been a cat person and have expressed interest in getting a cat, but he is highly allergic. He began with allergy shots in January. He went 3 times a week, then twice a month, now once a month (the dosage requires a lot at the beginning, fewer later on). In my opinion, the allergy shots were more indicative of a willingness to commit than any ring.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 4 years ago.
Chat Conversation Started
Cathy :

Hi there JA customer are you there?

Customer :

Yes, I am

Cathy :

Hello

Cathy :

how are tonight?

Customer :

About as expected, considering my situation

Cathy :

woops that should read how are YOU tonight? sorry for the typo

Cathy :

Yes I did read your post and I am very sorry.

Cathy :

I think you feel as if you would do anything to get this relationship back?

Customer :

It's pretty rough. Out of nowhere. Everyone - including myself, friends, family - are all very surprised

Customer :

I would. And I've been trying very hard

Cathy :

I am sure you are surprised and very disappointed.

Cathy :

may I ask you what will happen?

Customer :

Oh absolutely I am

Cathy :

if no matter what you do or do not do, he does not come back?

Customer :

What do you mean?

Cathy :

I mean what will happen if he has decided he is finished with his relationship with you?

Customer :

I'm not sure. Right now I think I'm dwelling in some sort of hope-fueled limbo. I am very sure he needs some time and he will come back.

Cathy :

what will you do then?

Customer :

He was pretty unflinching, but I'm not sure it'll last.

Customer :

I'm not sure what I'll do.

Cathy :

I see.

Customer :

I suppose I will eventually move on, but right now I want to fight for it.

Cathy :

Have you given any thought to the possibility that he might not turn it around?

Cathy :

I see

Customer :

Not really.

Cathy :

it matters that much to you to have this guy, this one

Customer :

Yes, he matters very much to me. We were best friends and now I feel like my best friend is dead, because that is essentially what's happened.

Cathy :

exactly so. When relationships end it does feel as if they ahve died.

Cathy :

exactly so

Customer :

So is there hope? Should I be dwelling on it? Am I just making up this hope?

Cathy :

Well you have decided there is hope so does it matter what I think?

Customer :

I am just trying to see if I'm living in a fantasy world where there exists some glimmer of us getting back together.

Cathy :

I do not think you are living in a fantasy at all. I think you very much wish he would come back to you and that all would be well.

Customer :

And what I can do to reconcile things in a way that is both productive and won't scare him away

Cathy :

Well first things first, leave him alone, no contact whatsoever

Customer :

I am definitely doing that

Cathy :

no calls, no emails, no texts, no accidental run ins, no contact at all

Cathy :

okay good

Customer :

He is supposed to call me on Nov. 1 to talk.

Customer :

And he lives 3 hours away, so no accidental run-ins.

Cathy :

okay and what if he does not?

Cathy :

okay

Customer :

He is a good guy, I think he will.

Cathy :

okay, do you want to write us back in a month and ask this question then?

Cathy :

ask us for help then?

Cathy :

after Nov first?

Customer :

I don't know what I'd ask then

Cathy :

well you know he is going to call you on Nov first because he is a good guy and I am sure he is a good guy, but I am not sure he is going to call you on the first and even if he does call you I am pretty sure this is not a relationship that is continuing on?

Cathy :

You know him better than I do of course, but this is what I have done for a living for thirty years and I am not often wrong..........

Cathy :

I hope I am wrong

Customer :

Why would he not call?

Cathy :

I really do but we cannot know this until November second can we?

Cathy :

Because he is ending your relationship with you. I think actually he already did end it.

Customer :

He did express a genuine desire to be friends.

Cathy :

So you would not be hurt and of course because he believed that when he said it.

Cathy :

He truly believed that when he said it.

Customer :

I am not a hundred percent sure he really is committed to it though. He claimed to be firm about it.

Cathy :

Then your friends called him and you called him and he found a way to get you out of his life by saying, no contact for one month. He knows that in a months time your feelings will not be so intense as they are right now.

Cathy :

I am pretty sure he is :) but I think that is painful to hear right now.

Customer :

Well how can love just evaporate like that? Everyone has said it is very, very unlike him and that he made a huge mistake he'll realize soon.

Customer :

It's not particularly painful to hear because I don't really believe he'll stick with it.

Cathy :

This is how ALL break ups go. One person just evaporates.

Cathy :

Okay then so lets let this issue lie for now and drop us a line after he calls you and you are back together again and let us know how you are getting on?

Customer :

Uhh, i don't know. My questions weren't really addressed.

Cathy :

in the interim, take good good care of yourself and try to find things to interest you so that you are not obsessing on this?

Cathy :

I thought your question was is he coming back?

Cathy :

and I think not?

Cathy :

and then you asked how to make him come back?

Cathy :

and I said your best shot was to leave him be, but I still do not think he will come back

Cathy :

and then you said

Cathy :

yes he said he will and so he will.

Cathy :

Let me know if I missed a question?

Customer :

My question was "what is his deal" and "can I get him back?" and "how?"

Cathy :

His deal is that he does not wish to be with you as a couple/boyfriend/girlfriend. Thats his deal.

Cathy :

And I think you are in so much pain that you cannot hear this right now.

Customer :

I obviously know that.

Cathy :

I think you are just so disappointed and so hurt that you cannot see this.

Cathy :

okay

Cathy :

so what can I say to make you feel better on this?

Cathy :

You can feel better you know> even if he does not come back and I do not think he is coming back.

Cathy :

I can tell you that people go through exactly what you are right now every day.

Cathy :

I can tell you that you will feel better again without him. I guarentee that in fact.

Customer :

Well nothing, my hope is pretty much shattered and that was what has been keeping me going. I wanted to know how to get him back and asserting he will never ever come back is not what helps. It may be the case, but no one can know the future for certain. Many people reunite every day.

Cathy :

I can tell you that you will fall in love again with another wonderful guy

Cathy :

who will love you back as much as you love him.

Customer :

I do not think I will feel better without him. He was a great person who I think made a mistake.

Customer :

And I am trying to see if there's something I can do

Cathy :

I agree. no one can know the future.

Cathy :

But human behavior is predictable and millions have lived through what you are going through

Customer :

Because someone who gets rounds and rounds of allergy shots for someone can't just not want to commit.

Cathy :

so there are certain things we have come to know.

Cathy :

I think he is also probably a great guy and it is quite likely that he made a mistake

Cathy :

but that does not change the fact that you are not together and he wants no contact with you.

Cathy :

I know rounds of allergy shots are painful but you are pinning your hopes to any straw you can grasp

Customer :

I was the one who brought up the no contact. He wanted to remain in contact on Facebook.

Cathy :

and why do you think he is the only great guy in the world?

Cathy :

Oh I see well that changes everything then. I was totally wrong. You see your post read differently.

Customer :

I am not pinning my hopes to any straw I can grasp.

Cathy :

Ok thats an entirely different ballg ame then.

Cathy :

We agreed to have one month of zero contact and then he would call me

Cathy :

thats what your post read.

Cathy :

so I guess if he wanted to keep in touch on facebook and you are so desperate to have contact with him how come you said no?

Customer :

I spoke to him on the phone the day after and said, "How about we don't speak for one month and then you call me on Nov. 1 and we just talk." And he said, "I can do that."

Cathy :

Oh I see

Customer :

Because my desperation will just drive him away. People want what they can't have so I'm giving him that thinking and alone time.

Cathy :

Once again you did not say in your post that he wished to remain in contact with you on facebook. I did not know this at all and of course that changes absolutely everything.

Cathy :

Oh I see

Cathy :

well you are doing the right thing the.

Cathy :

then.

Cathy :

leaving him alone

Customer :

And he did express a sincere desire to remain good friends. He said he will miss that

Cathy :

Of course.

Cathy :

w

Cathy :

Well I think you have made all the right decisions. Once again I am sorry I did not know about the facebook thing and that does change everything.

Customer :

How much does this really change things?

Cathy :

so good luck and keep your chin up girl

Cathy :

Well if he said no contact whatsoever it really meant we are done, but he did not say that to you. He said we can stay in touch on Facebook and that is entirely different. By staying in touch with you on FB he was leaving a door open. A very very good sign and I think now you do have reason to hope after all. I think you will do fine as long as you do not contact him until he contacts you.

Cathy :

Just do take it easy and slowly when he calls you and you should be just fine.

Customer :

That's the plan. And I want the conversation to be simple, lighthearted, with no ulterior motives or relationship talk. Just to get a foot in the door.

Customer :

Then I want to meet for something small, with no pressure. Coffee. Bowling. Etc. Again, no motive, no relationship talk.

Cathy :

I think that is a great plan. Keep it light and friendly and no pressure. I think you have a good plan in place.

Customer :

And be very very slow and patient.

Cathy :

Exactly.

Cathy :

nothing serious at first.

Customer :

Is it a realistic and sound plan?

Customer :

Of course

Cathy :

of course I think you have a good good plan

Cathy :

take it easy at first.

Cathy :

and all will be fine with you.

Customer :

It'll be very hard, but I'm going to do it

Cathy :

I am so glad you cleared up that contact thing. I feel much better about your future together.

Cathy :

I know it will be hard, but you can do this.

Customer :

Okay good, I was thinking I had it all very wrong before. He is genuinely a nice guy and I'm not saying that with my rose-colored glasses on

Cathy :

find lots to do to take your mind off this till novemeber first so you are not overwhelmed.

Cathy :

yes but also remember that ALL nice guys break up with at least eight girlfriends before they marry, LOL

Customer :

My brother's teaching me karate, I'm doing dance lesson, saw some improv the other night. Occupied with student teaching. I'm pretty busy. I have to pretend to be a real person

Cathy :

so even if he did break up with you and of course we know he is not, that wouldnt make him a bad guy at all.

Cathy :

Great. No pretending. Be a real person. You dont have to pretend at all. Just be you.

Customer :

Well I fake it and then the real person-being comes after it. That's what they told us at ST orientation: if you're feeling bad, just fake it for the students.

Cathy :

Okay you take very good care of you and please do drop me a line and let me know how it all turned out for you. I do love a good romantic love story.

Customer :

I hope I can be one of those.

Cathy :

LOL I see. I loved student teaching many years ago. Where are you teaching and what are you teaching?

Customer :

I'm teaching in Minnesota, 10-11th grade advanced English and Literature

Cathy :

OH wow. How great is that. Good for you.

Cathy :

You are going to have great fun this year and will remember it all your life.

Customer :

Okay, well I think maybe you did help me a bit. Having a professional tell me that my hope isn't absolutely crazy is good. I know I'm delusional a bit and that I'm not seeing things 100% clearly, but at this point, I'm really fighting for a very good guy who I think is just a bit mixed up

Cathy :

Okay then I am glad I could help. I was thrown off by your post but it does sound much more hopeful that was originally presented. Either way you have my very best wishes and if anything comes up we are here for you.

Cathy :

Take good care and warm wishes.

Cathy :

Cathy

Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience: Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
Cathy and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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