Thank you for writing to Just Answer.
It seems very likely that your daughter has some mental health issues, and until she decides to get some help, she is not going to change.
The only change that is under your control is how you react
to her. You have two choices at this point--as you have already done everything else: read books, had therapy and talked to your priest--
1. Decide that having a relationship with her is more important than your hurt feelings, and make a decision to let everything she says roll off your back. When she makes accusations, respond by saying "You may be right.
" and not trying to defend yourself. This may take some of the steam out of her resentments.
2. Decide that while you love your daughter and want a relationship with her and her children, you are no longer willing to put up with her behavior. Meet her in public places where she is less likely to become verbally abusive.
And one thing to try that you haven't mentioned--meet with her alone (without your husband) and ask her if there is anything specific that happened in her childhood that you may not know about. If there isn't anything that she's been keeping from you, ask her what are the worst things she remembers about her childhood. Listen to her, validate her feelings, and don't try to rationalize her feelings away. Talk with her from your heart---and leave your hurt feelings out of the conversation.
It is possible that because you were dealing with a terrible situation, and had to leave her father when she was only two months old...that you may not have had the emotional energy to fully bond with her when she was an infant. You may have been able to be there some of the time for her, but it is likely that your attention and thoughts were directed at getting out and keeping the two of you safe.
When a child's main caregiver is only emotionally present some of the time, the child can have what is called a "disorganized attachment" Here is a link
that describes the types of attachment problems that can arise when life is chaotic when the child is an infant.
You did the best you could
by getting out of an abusive situation and keeping your daughter safe. However, the situation could have easily left the child feeling insecurely attached to you. Her current behavior (hot and cold) seems to suggest this could be the case.
So her experience of her early years could be very different from yours. The only thing you can do now, if this is truly the case, is offer your undivided attention--without your husband--as often as possible. You may want to tell her the story of her infancy, if she doesn't already know it. If she is in therapy, this information would be extremely important for her therapist to know, as she could help her work on her attachment issues.
I hope this gives you a new way to think about the situation, and to have some compassion for her mixed-up behavior. There is no blame in this situation: it was your duty as her mother to protect her from an abusive father...but that doesn't mean that your daughter isn't still feeling some effects from that situation.
I will keep the two of you in my prayers, that you are able to strengthen the mother-daughter bond.