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Angela
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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My boyfriend and I are together for more than 4 years, were

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My boyfriend and I are together for more than 4 years, we're both 24, graduated, have nice jobs at the university. We "live" together for 2 years no, but every weekend he goes home to his parents, just like when he was still a student. I hate that, and I've told him, but nothing changes.

I want my grown up life to start, I want to start settling, but he doesn't want to change anything. He doesn't want to marry in the near future, nor having children. He doesn't even want to buy a car so that we are more flexible with our time. He does want to buy a house, but why would I tie myself to him financially, if he doesn't want to bind himself to me emotionally and legally?

Should I still remain patient? Or should I walk away? I'm so scared that one day I will wake up, being 30 and still living in our small apartment with no car, no marriage, no kids, ...
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 6 years ago.
Hello my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

I am sorry for this difficult time you are having and only you can decide if you should remain in this relationship or not. However, from what you have shared, there are many, many red flags which you have clearly picked up on and have tried to resolve with him, however, nothing changes for the better. Naturally, it is always best not to ignore so many red flags. Also, it is obvious that you are more mature than he is in many areas such as emotionally and in terms of what you want for your future, whereas, he is not. Therefore, it seems that your instincts are telling you to move on because of all of the above which is completely understandable given the amount of time you have invested in this relationship. Furthermore, if you continue to wait, how many more years will it be until he matures and gets on the same page with you? You have already invested 4 years of your life which is not a small investment of time. Also, you have attempted to resolve the various issues/ red flags, but he refuses to budge and remains in his comfort zone with no regard for your feelings or for your emotional future together. As a result of all of the above, it does not seem as if this is a healthy relationship for you to remain in longterm based on what you have shared especially since your goals and dreams are being stagnated by an unwilling partner.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Dear XXXXX

Thanks you for this answer... You tell me what I started feeling a while ago, but it's so difficult to admit to myself, and to my boyfriend, that our relationship is not healthy anymore. But a break-up is so heavy, I really love him and I consider him the future father of my children and so on... If I break up with him, I'll probably loose him forever. If I don't and wait, than there's a serious chance that I waste my twenties.

If I make the decision that I don't want to be in this relationship anymore, do you think I should announce that to him in advance? It's so doubtful, I want him to open his eyes and see the truth, but I don't want an "emergency proposal" or something similar. Do you think this relationship is saveable? I would rather invest two more years in him than to start over completely... But like you say, there's no guarantee he will come to my level of maturity within that time.

Merel
Expert:  Angela replied 6 years ago.
Hi Merel,

I definitely think you should discuss breaking up with him before actually doing so as a courtesy to him and also if he offers an emergency proposal based on this- don't accept it. However, you could accept from him (- and suggest to him in lieu of an emergency proposal) that he begins to do the things you desire in order for you to actually have a future together and then after he continually prooves himself to you then you could accept a proposal should he offer one (-but he definitely shouldn't offer one as a way to save the relationship because the proposal does not fix any of the problems and only provides a temporary superficial happiness). The relationship is certainly capable of being saved if he begins to do his part in it, but he must actively choose to do this.
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