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Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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I dont usually met men online, i just think its creepy. But

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I dont usually met men online, i just think its creepy. But recently, I downloading this music sharing software and it had the option for chat. So, I created a phony profile, added a fake pic just to keep my account active. As suspected, sleeze-balls with sexual propositions came a running and I turned them away. One night however, this man struck up a conversation , he sent me his picture; he was cute. And then he asked me if the photo i displayed was mine, not expecting to talk to him for to long i said "Yes it is" and I spun a tale about the photo. I didnt care, i figured he was an internet creeper. About 5 hours later we talked about everything from children to our favorite songs. He wasnt crass or lurid , we had a great conversation. Then, he gave me his phone number and we spoke for a while longer. After that day, we spoke every day several times aday both online and on the phone. I dont usuallly do that, but for some reason, we had some conncection. I started to feel terrible. He wanted to meet me, told me I made him feel incredible. But, how was I going to tell him that I told him lies because i didnt expect to like him or still be talking to him but we talked until dawn. Eventually, we even did the phone sex thing--it was amazing! As we talked we shared alot, he wanted to be with me, date me and etc. We were gaining some strong feelings/attachments for one another but, now if I told him that "btw I lied to you in the beginning about....a whole hell of alot!" he would just consider me a liar and never talk to me again. Also, what If i sent him my real picture he wasnt attracted to me. I look nothing like that pic, but I wondered if our connection was just based on that picture, or the endless hours we spend talking about life etc. I decided to break it off with him. It was hard, for both of us, we were very hurt, it felt like a real breakup. He and I agreed that we still want to be friends but it will take time because of how hard it was.

Now, I dont know what to do. Should i just, forget about him chalk it up to a learning experience and never lie online again.

Or

Should i tell him the truth send him my photo, come clean and let the chips fall where they may even if its rejection?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 3 years ago.

Thanks for writing to Just Answer!

 

You don't really have anything to lose by sending him your photo and coming clean. At this point, you have "broken up" so you will just be in the same spot you are right now, but it may help answer your "what if" questions.

 

However, base your decision on how emotionally strong you feel. If a rejection would be a stab to the heart, then let it go and move on.

 

If he rejects you, then you know the attraction was visually based, not emotionally based. Men are very visual creatures, so yes, they do base attraction somewhat on looks. But you never know what might attract him..it's possible your own picture might appeal to him.

 

And yes, also consider this a learning experience and just be who you are online---This is the second question I've answered in 24 hours about making up a different persona (picture, age, etc.) online, and the person coming to regret having done it because they met someone worth knowing, and had to deal with being locked into the 'lie' and eventually losing the relationship over it.

 

The beauty of life online is that you can always start over with a fresh profile, and find someone who will be attracted to you ...inside and out.

Suzanne

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thank you Suzanne.

 

This was so helpful in so many ways. But now it makes me wonder about another question. I know I want to come clean but I cant figure out whether im doing this for me---just to get free or is it to see if he and I can get into a relationship. As you said I dont feel like I have anything to loose.

 

About sending the picture, I am betwixt.

 

On one hand, I'm confident that I am beautiful, so whether im his type or not, a part of me is still confident in my own truth. Yes rejection would sting but, im trying to figure out if, "not knowing" would sting more.

 

More than anything, I know that I hurt him and im not sure if doing this would just being like opening up a can of worms, that is uneccessary.

Expert:  Suzanne replied 3 years ago.
If I understood your earlier note correctly, you were enjoying this relationship but broke it off because he wanted to be with you, and you couldn't let that happen because he would expect you to look like the picture you posted.

You have already hurt him...perhaps you could offer this as a way of explaining why you ended the relationship. You could consider it something you are doing to make an amends for having hurt him. He may be wondering what he did wrong...and understanding why you did it might help him heal.

Whether or not seeing your picture and hearing the truth would cause a relationship to blossom ...I cannot predict. But I think telling (and showing) him the truth will give you closure either way.

It's the not knowing that keeps thoughts churning over and over in our minds. If he doesn't like your picture, or gets angry because you lied, then you will have a few days of discomfort dealing with that, but it will be over...and you won't be haunted by what-ifs.

I wish you the best in this tricky situation!
Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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