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Lori Gephart
Lori Gephart, Licensed Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience:  Psychologist, Hypnotherapist & Divorce Coach providing marital therapy for over 20 years.
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Hi...I thought I was happily married for 20 years. During our

Resolved Question:

Hi...I thought I was happily married for 20 years. During our time together I thought we were always there for each other. I thought he adored me.
Two years ago...he became depressed. He became very angry and had frequent outbursts and was generally unhappy with his life. I tried to be there for him...got him help from a physician, talked to him etc. and he thanked me for being so supportive. He seemed to think the meds were working and he seemed to be coping better. Then one Sunday morning he got up and told me that he "didn't think he loved me anymore" and that he couldn't do it anymore. Then he walked out. Two days before this happened we had lunch together and held hands! I found out four weeks later that he was having an affair. I was crushed. He came back a year later...begged for forgiveness and I started to forgive him and then I caught him with his lover again! Why would he do this to me?? Also, in the last two years he has sought me out numerous times and cried and told me that he has made a mistake and a few weeks later he tells me that the marriage had issues...I am confused...no issues were ever mentioned when we were married...he certainly never said he was contemplating leaving ever...
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Lori Gephart replied 4 years ago.

Thank you for contacting JustAnswer.

 

I am sorry to hear about the problems you are experiencing in your relationship. As you noted that your husband was diagnosed with depression, it is important to understand that, particularly with men, depression can take the form of anger and irritability, low motivation and difficulty making decisions. People who are depressed tend to have low motivation, to feel hopeless, helpless and overwhelmed. You may find the following website helpful for more information: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression/complete-index.shtml

 

This could explain some of his behaviors. Additionally, affairs are often a way of avoiding feeling uncomfortable feelings, such as those which come from depression. As long as someone is engaging in an affair, they are unable to put the marriage first and work on that relationship.

 

It is also important to keep in mind that actions speak louder than words. It appears, from you description that your husband's actions seem to indicate that he is not showing you a reason to believe that he has changed, perhaps that he has not resolved the depression or ended the affair. Patterns of behavior tend to predict behavior. Unless he shows you reasons to believe that he has made major changes and has begun to take responsibility for his actions, I would encourage you to be very careful. He would need to earn your trust back if it is to be even a possibility.

 

One thing I would add is that it seems that you have been doing quite a bit of emotional work about this relationship. In order for this to be a healthy relationship, we would expect your partner to do a relatively equal amount of emotional work (if you balance it out over time). This may be one way to evaluate if someone is committed to a relationship and to changing in order to make the relationship work. You deserve someone who will put the work into the relationship as well, since it takes two people to make it work. Also, I definitely believe in trusting your gut. It is often a very good indicator of red flags that should not be ignored. Feelings of love tend to be very irrational, while the gut is a good barometer of danger, both physical and emotional. I hope this is helpful and I wish you the best.

Lori Gephart, Licensed Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience: Psychologist, Hypnotherapist & Divorce Coach providing marital therapy for over 20 years.
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Lori Gephart
Lori Gephart
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259 Satisfied Customers
Psychologist, Hypnotherapist & Divorce Coach providing marital therapy for over 20 years.