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Dr. Bonnie
Dr. Bonnie, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Experienced in counseling all age persons on relationship issues.
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Hi, I am going through a divorce and my ex-wife and I are

Resolved Question:

Hi,
I am going through a divorce and my ex-wife and I are attempting to be amicable since it makes sense financially and we have a 10 year old son. We have, of course had a ton of problems. We have filed for divorce but are still living together, she is trying to get her finances together. My question is this: She has turned into a fricken monster. She tells me that she never knows what to expect when I walk in after working all day, but man I haven't a clue of whats going to hit me, not only when I hit the door after work but also all night. She just gets MEAN as hell. telling me how much she despises me. How she has lied to me our whole life about ever loving me and on and on and on. The strange part is she never even mentioned most of these issues before. Of course her response would be she did tell me all these things "but I wasn't listening." I was listening but her heart has become so hardened that I can't even figure out my own name these days because of the verbal abuse. Anyway or thing I can do to stop this?? I didn't want the divorce so maybe she is paying me back for "pain" I have caused her.

Please don't say counseling since we have done that to death. It just causes more fights.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Bonnie replied 3 years ago.
It sounds like the stress of continuing to live together is causing this reaction in her (unless this has been a prevailing pattern in her personality). I understand that it is her idea to divorce but she may be having ambivalent feelings (unconsciously) and is creating a situation that makes the actual separation easier (again, unconsciously). The ultimate solution is to make the move to separate. This atmosphere is not good for your son. Research has shown that the most well-adjusted children of divorce are those who view their parents having a good co-parenting relationship.

In the meantime, I would just reflect her feelings (I know you are really mad) and set a boundary (but I cannot listen to your rageful way of expressing it. So unless you will discuss things with me rationally, I will walk away). It is not her anger that is the problem (she is entitles to it (as are you), it is the way the anger is being expressed.

I just read over your past posts. I am quite sure that your "ex-wife" has the characteristics of someone with a personality disorder (borderline PD). I only mention this because there is a great book on how to communicate. It is called "Walking on Eggshells". Good luck.

Edited by Dr. Bonnie on 10/2/2010 at 1:28 PM EST
Dr. Bonnie, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2180
Experience: Experienced in counseling all age persons on relationship issues.
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