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Dr. Bonnie
Dr. Bonnie, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2183
Experience:  Experienced in counseling all age persons on relationship issues.
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My husband & I have been married 20 years. I have no emotional

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My husband & I have been married 20 years. I have no emotional attachment to him. He is an over-the-road truck driver. when my husband is home, there is nothing between us out side of the bedroom that is just between him & I. No matter how insugnificant, he tends to tell our kids, or his friend every thing we do. Places we go or appointments we have. He gets upset with me when I point this out because he doesn't think it is a big deal. He has a friend who calls him before he gets home to arrange a breakfast get together and he also will call just to see what my husband has done while he is home. My husband is home 1.5 days a week and my husband gets mad at me when I try to explain that I feel like an invasion of our family time. The night before my husband goes back on the road is stressful for him as the night get late and I can't get my husband to understand that by his friend calling for unimportant chit chat is intruding on our time together. It hurts me that my husband gets angry with me instead of being bothered by this friend enough to let the friend know that he would like some private time with his wife before he leaves again. How do I get this through to my Husband?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  FLAandNYLawyer replied 4 years ago.
Hello,

So sorry to hear of your dilemna. I will strive to provide you with legal information to assist you.

I am a lawyer with 25 years experience. Although I am not your attorney, I hope that I can give you helpful legal information on this open and nonconfidential forum.

Do you want information concerning divorce? What state do you live in?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

 

We live in Iowa and no I don't want information concerning divorce.

Expert:  FLAandNYLawyer replied 4 years ago.
Then what is your legal question?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I don't have a legal question. When sending this I was under the impressing it was going to an expert for marital help

 

Expert:  FLAandNYLawyer replied 4 years ago.
Your question went to the legal department. I will request that your question be transferred.
Expert:  Dr. Bonnie replied 4 years ago.
I am sorry it has taken so long to get an answer tonight. I am hoping that I can help as you sound very frustrated. I am guessing you are not taking your problem to couples counseling face-to-face because there is so little time when you are together.

Here are some questions: when is the last time you did feel an emotional connection to him? What helped to foster that connection? What are some examples of things you would like to do with him? What do you do while he is on the road? What kind on contact do you have with him while he is gone? How old are your children?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Dr. Bonnie,

I have gotten us in couples counceling face-to-face. I have suggested to the counselor perhaps he needs to see my husband alone because often in or sessions, the counsler understands what I am trying to communicate to my husband but for some reason my husband doesn't get the message.

 

It has been a long time since I felt an emotional connection with my husband but it has been within the last few years that I have developed feelings of abandonment and emptyness. Primarily since our boys have become older teenagers. I believe this is due to the fact that my husband has always wanted to be more the friend than the parent to our boys. I have always been the main displinary parent and my boys have been shown by my husbands actions that he will allow me to take the blame, disrespect and any anger handed out for what ever situation as long as it is me that is the (mean, bad) parent and my boys aren't upset with him. This situation has gotten really bad since my younger son has gotten his drivers licence. My husband doesn't take my concerns, fears, suggestions seriously and this has given my younger son the impression he has more adult status in this family than he should. My husband doesn't support me emotionally. He expresses constantly that he is out on the road making a living to support his family and he doesn't understand what I always complaining about.

I have told my husband that the things I am trying to get from him do not cost a dime. I told him that as a woman, I want to feel special. I want to feel desired. My husband gets mad at me and takes my words as a belittling negative view of him and I asked him in 20 yrs, when is the last time you held your wife in your arms, looked in my eyes and

said I Love you. NEVER is the answer. I tell him when he comes home, behind the bedroom doors, his attempt at "love making" starts with the chest, then the crotch and he may never utter a word or even look at my face let alone into my eyes and he doesn't understand when I tell him I have no emotional connection to him. I have printed off information on emotional intimacy for him to read, I have given him books and he doesnt put any effort into learning about the things I keep saying to him. Our children are 21 and 17.5 yrs old.

 

Expert:  Dr. Bonnie replied 4 years ago.
Well you certainly have done everything to improve things without avail. The reason I asked about last time you felt emotional connection was to get a feel for the seriousness of the situation and I am also wondering about communication while he is on-the-road. I asked about what you do while he is gone because I was wondering of the possibilities of being an "over the road couple".

Maybe my question should be, has he ever displayed an emotional connection? It is possible that he is not capable of it?

I can see where your abandonment feelings would surface now with your children about to leave home too. This is what "empty nest" is all about. To enter this phase of life without a partner to share it with makes it even more empty.

I would recommend that you do some soul searching (maybe with the help of a therapist) and make goals for towards self-growth and fulfillment. These goals would be unique to you but some examples might be:
Increase social connections - look up and connect with old friends or relatives;
Personal growth - take a class in something you've always wanted to do;
Spiritual growth - become active in a community or philosophy;
Physical/Health goal - exercise,
Family - evaluate the pros and cons of staying in marriage with no connection;
If decide to stay, do one thing to increase connection every day;

Once your goals are formulated, each day do one thing to work towards them;

You may have heard this before, but you only have the power to change yourself. You cannot change the other person.

I wish you all the best.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

 

Dr. Bonnie,

Thank You for your response. While my husband is on the road, I keep busy with multiple projects, I work outside the home and I also maintain everything that a home requires. I do my best to handle each and every issue, problem, project with out imposing on others. However, I know when I need assistance with something and will ask when needed. I have NO family to really speak of for some reason (some known, some unknown) my family does not communicate with me unless I make the effort. I have always made the phone calls, always driven the distance and yet it is like out of sight out of mind. I am the type of person who will help ANYONE with out asking whats in it for me. I am not the type of person who has a (poor me) attitude. I have been disowned from my family for sitting at the wrong place at a family members funeral.

I come from a abusive back ground. I was raised in NY and was sexually, emotionally,physically abused at the hands of my step father. I suffer from depression. I take meds for that. have gone through counciling to deal with the anger issues and quite frankly I believe I am an intelligent, level headed hard working woman despite the major hardships in my life. I feel that others are intimadated by my achievements and instead of being supportive and proud of the person I have become, I am looked down upon. As you probably know, it is easier to judge than it is easier to educate.

I am thinking now that perhaps on trying so hard to get from my husband what am lacking, maybe I need to learn how to just accept what I don't have and work on just being civil. I truely believe there is something very wrong with me. I only want what I think every woman and some men need as a person to feel alive.

Expert:  Dr. Bonnie replied 4 years ago.
"I truly believe there is something very wrong with me". Do you mean other than depression? Your abuse certainly makes you vulnerable to emotional difficulties. I would be glad to discuss this further but will be offline soon for the night. I will look back for more posting from you tomorrow and will reply if you'd like.
(I am thinking that the problems with husband have a link to the past).

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Dr. Bonnie
Dr. Bonnie
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Experienced in counseling all age persons on relationship issues.