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Angela
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  n/a
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My boyfriend and I of four years butt heads often. Its our

Customer Question

My boyfriend and I of four years butt heads often. Its our personalities. Sometimes it is all blown out of proportion though and he doesn't like to talk about it. He will go days or a week without really talking to me. It happened more frequently and easier when we were living two hours from eachother but now we live in the same town in the same house. It is our second time living together, but the first time was less then a year because he had to move home and help out his sick dad. We got in a big arguement friday night. All eventually calmed down and we went to bed together. He snuggled. I don't know if thats uncounciously though. The next morning I had to leave early and he was still in bed I told him to call me when he got up he said "ya ok". I never heard from him and called a couple times throughtout the day but did not get an answer. He typically leaves his phone sitting places on silent so this was nothing new to me. I got home later on in the day to find all his things gone. This is again something he has done before. He runs away when things get tough. We always end up talking it out hours, days, or a week later. I usually have to make him talk though. It was easier when I was coming into town and staying at his house but I dont feel like its the same now. I cant just go over to his moms and talk to him. Hes really upset about everything. Today he threw a fit because I wanted the garage door clicker to go get anothe one made. He left some dirty clothes here but says he doesnt care I can keep him. But what I really dont get is that on Saturday i wrote on the internet "whats going on tonight" and he go angry and text me about it. but didnt say anything else. This is all his normal pattern. and I know most would say your better then that or move on. But thats not what I need or want to do here. I am not willing to give up on this relationship because hes the one i am suppose to be with. And I do believe he feels the same. He would hate seeing me with someone else. He would and obviously was bothered if he thought I was going to be out partying with other people. So what do I do. Do I sit back? Do I wait? Do I make him talk like I usually would? His mom says we need to do some couples couseling but I could never get him to go.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 6 years ago.
Hello my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

Based on what you wrote, since you are determined to stay in this type of relationship, I suggest doing the following:
1. Due to this being a normal pattern for him, I suggest waiting for him to contact you.
2. While you are waiting for him to contact you, make a list of the types of triggers that you have noticed which cause this cycle of behavior to begin among you both and also write down possible solutions to prevent this cycle of behavior from occurring in the future.
3. When he contacts you and you both get together again, go over the list with him and also get his input and both of you agree together on how you will change your behavior in the future in order to avoid this cycle from occurring again.
4. Agree to check in with each other once a week to discuss and review how things went that particular week and what things you each would like to be different in the future and discuss ways to change them. Both of you agree to changes that you are both comfortable with and act on them from that point forward. By repeating this relationship exercise on a weekly basis, it should help your relationship to grow in a positive direction and to hopefully move beyond this current cycle of behavior.

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