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Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years going on

Resolved Question:

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years going on 5, we are plannin on moving in together at the end of October. The problem is I found an email on his phone with an old classmate he reconnected with on Facebook. The email was a picture of the woman from a 20 year high school reunion that occured 10 years ago. My boyfriend told the woman that she was beautiful, and went on a back and forth chain of banter about how he wanted to thank her mother for her beauty , and he was jealous of how good she looked for her age, etc. He then told her in the same chain that they should meet up together "just as friends". I confronted him with the email and he said that it was just friendly banter and that he never slept with her nor does he ever want to. He agreed that he crossed a line and assured me he would not meet with her and apologized. I'm really bothered by the whole situaiton and I'm not sure what a good resolution would be for it or if there is even a good resolution for it. I don't want to be one of those women that just believes everything her boyfriend says and disregards XXXXX XXXXX I do love him though and I want to believe he is being honest with me.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 6 years ago.
Thank you for writing to JustAnswer.

In deciding whether to believe him or not, there are a few things to consider:

1. Does he have a history of cheating on past girlfriends?
2. Has he done anything else that has raised a red flag for you?
3. What led up to you reading his emails? Were you having that 'there's something going on but I don't know what it is" feeling? (if so, pay attention to your gut feeling)
4. Has he been hiding his phone since this happened. (if so, big red flag).

Making demands about things like this puts you in a mother-child position with him, and that's not good for a relationship.

I would suggest being very straightforward about your feelings, and ask him what he thinks could be done to fix this breech of trust. Something sincere like sending the woman a message in which he makes it clear that he is in a committed relationship.

The real issue, I think, if this email exchange happened recently,is why he felt the need for validation & ego boosting from outside the relationship. Is he getting nervous as the moving in together date approaches? Has he been able to stay in committed relationships in the past? Have the two of you started taking each other for granted? I can tell you by the volumes of emails we get from men here at Just Answer, that they are every bit as insecure as women if they don't get the positive reinforcement that they did at the beginning of the relationship...especially if they're being asked to then make a commitment.

Facebook has re-awakened many a high school fantasy. If his behavior has been otherwise trustworthy, this alone would not be reason to end the relationship. But, if you have been having those gut feelings of something going on, delay moving in together until this has been resolved, and you feel at ease with him again.

I wish you the best as you work through this together,
Suzanne and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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