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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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Im 42 and have been dating a 31 year old women. I have 3

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I'm 42 and have been dating a 31 year old women. I have 3 kids and she has 1. She recently told me she was scared and confused becuase I'm fixed. She knew that when we began dating, but now she told me that she is confused because she cares for me but also might want another kid. And she said that she would never asked me to get it reversed.

Personally I think she is ready to move on and using that I'm fixed as an excuse. She is a young women though. She has been going visiting girlfriends alot out of state and I could tell the difference after she came back. Kind of distance. She told me she is scared and confused but don't just want to stop talking to me. She tell me she still cares for me. She to say love.

I really love her and think I need to just give her space. ADVISE PLEASE
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 4 years ago.

Good Morning,

 

The age difference is not really that big. The issue seems to be whether you sense that she is ready for a committed relationship, or still wants to explore her options. From what you've briefly shared, you notice a sort of a change when she gets back from visiting her friends.

 

You may be right, that she is using your vasectomy as an excuse. If the relationship had moved fast, is a long distance relationship and she already has a child, all of these are factors that will impact her behavior.

 

If you are giving her space, make sure she understand that it is to allow her to think, instead of her interpreting it that you are distancing yourself. Be careful because this statement of hers that she's confused and wants to figure things out, does not have to involve the two of you to "give her space" It may be her way of distancing herself as to where the two of you eventually move your own ways. Her statement that she is "confused" needs spaces etc, may be a way of sabotaging the relationship (for whatever reason)

 

You may want to ask yourself 1/ what does she really want out of a relationship 2/ is she ready for a committed relationship, 3/ what is she willing and capable of bringing to the relationship (She had said she'd move near you) 4/ if she does not relocate, realistically what is the future of this relationship 5/ what do you want

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

She tells me she is scared and confused and torn between caring for me and possibly wanting another child. She tells me she don't want to stop talking to me, I really don't know what she wants. I get mixed feelings. She tells me she is scared and confused. She hasn't told me she wants space..I just take it as I want some space speach...We used to be on the phone all the time but now...well now..she will text me..and say I hope your having a nice day.

 

I really don't know...WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO.

Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 4 years ago.

Even if she wants another child at some point in her life, it is not clear why that has to be an issue this early in the relationship. It sounds like an excuse. How is distancing going to help her confusion? She can still have a relationship with you and live in the present not the future. It really is a red flag when someone says they need space.

 

As far as what you may do is just be straight with her. You've already told her that you care about her and are there for her. She has to want to remain connected. You could ask her how long does she think she needs to figure/sort things out. It is only fair that she gives you some sort of time frame to look forward to.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I haven't talked to her since yesterday morning..I do love her and I guess she has been habit forming..ahhaah. She says, scared, confused, don't want to stop talking to me, torn between caring and possilbe wanting another kid. lets just see if she makes the next move toward or away...Do you think I need to keep contact with her or let her make the next move..I know she knows I care. Oh yeahs she is a certified Mental Therapist..Masters degree...if that helps...

Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 4 years ago.
If she truly knows that you care, then let her come to you. You've already done quite a lot. Her degree is irrelevant.
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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