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Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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Why is it this guy I have known for 1 1/2 years only wants

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Why is it this guy I have known for 1 1/2 years only wants to sleep with me? He will say he is taken sortof but still wants to play. He will indicate wanting to see me later in an evening then he is MIA. He told me from the getgo that he is a slut but why say he is seeing another girl, tell me he will tell me about when I ask him what "taken sortof" means and not, and want to sleep with me but then disappear just as quickly? Does he care about any girl or just uses them on different levels?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 3 years ago.

Thanks for writing to Just Answer.

 

Men have a very different attitude about sex than women do. (of course, these are all generalities)

 

Men tend to see it as a purely physical exercise. They can have sex with someone they have absolutely no feelings for. It feels good, and for some men, it boosts their ego to sleep with a lot of women.

 

They also like the competitive aspect of "winning" the girl..and this can make the girl more valuable to him. (which is why the girl who is always available never gets the guy)

 

Sort-of taken means that he has a girl who thinks he's with her, but he's sleeping with anyone else he can find. It is also his way of telling you that all he's offering you is sex, with no chance of a commitment or relationship.

 

So yes, he is using girls at whatever level they allow themselves to be used at.

 

I can't tell from your note whether you have slept with him or not, but the fact that he is saying he wants to see you "later" in an evening suggests that perhaps you are.

 

If a man sees you as someone who is available for sex on call, he will use that opportunity when it's convenient for him. But if he's out, and sees something better, he will go for it, as he knows that you will be available any time.

 

The danger for women in these situations, is that typically if a woman has sex with a man more than 5-6 times, she begins to build an emotional attachment, (even if in her head, she thinks she's find with the arrangement). It seems to be hard-wired into our make-up.

 

If you want to learn about how men think, XXXXX XXXXX has written a wonderful series of books that give the male perspective. Having an understanding of how men think can help you stay out of situations like this one in the future.

 

This is not a situation that is going to build your self-esteem, or help you find a man who loves and respects you. If you're not involved with this self-proclaimed 'slut ' of a man, great! If you are, I hope you will consider seeing a counselor who will help you rebuild your self-esteem, figure out what your boundaries are, and support you in finding a healthy relationship where you are valued, not used.

 

I wish you all the best in finding a man who loves you,

Suzanne

 

 

 

 

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Yes I have been with him many times. He came over yesterday wanting a quickie but I just stalled and said maybe later. I texted him later and nothing from him when he said he wanted to f**k later. I actually want to talk to him but he always wants to have sex with me when he does see me. I did makeout with him when he came over but that was it. He said he was surprised that I said yes to him coming over. I didn't sleep with him though so I thought maybe he would think of a little challenge. I have a feeling that he hooked up with another girl last night which I don't understand. I actually thought I would get the chance to turn him down but since he didn't respond to me I've been sending texts. I don't know how to feel better. I want him sexually cause I've been with him soo many times and we are sexually matched. I understand always being available doesn't get the guy but if he is willing to sleep with multiple women does anyone really get him? Should I try to talk to him to let him know that I didn't hook up with him when he came over cause I was uncomfortable? I wonder if it was him knowing that he could still have me is all since he said he was surprised I said yes to him coming over or is it he will sleep with anyone?
Expert:  Suzanne replied 3 years ago.

I'm sorry to have to say that it sounds like he will sleep with anyone. Once you've been with him, it's too late to make it a challenge.

 

This doesn't sound like a man who talking is going to work with. If he is someone who will say to a woman " he wanted to f**k later " he is NOT relationship material. He is a user.

 

If you can deal with just having sex with him with no other attachment, that's a decision you can make, but I have to say as a therapist, I don't think it's your best choice.

 

As long as you are keeping yourself available in case he wants to hook up late at night, you won't have a chance to meet someone better. Even he is surprised that you are willing to put up with his behavior. (He said he was surprised that I said yes to him coming over.)

 

What you have is what you are going to continue to have with this guy. It isn't going to get better, closer or different because you tell him that you're uncomfortable now.

 

The problem in this situation isn't him. If somebody offers sex, a man will show up. It doesn't mean he likes you.

 

The problem is that you aren't showing self-respect. Even he has noticed that.

 

My advice is to find someone who is sexually matched AND treats you with respect and to untangle yourself from this situation..

 

Suzanne

 

 

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I had chiropractic boards all weekend. When I got back I text him telling him that I don't like feeling like I'm only for sex or a backup to other girls. He text me back saying "I am sorry I am taken Babes...and it is only f**king to me. I will stop doing that to you." I text saying that it hurts me and I need to talk to him later. I said that I know I couldn't really be with him cause he would just sleep around cause that's just him so that's not what it's about. He said talk next weekend. That he's going until then. I don't understand why he is taken but wanted to sleep with me last week knowing I have feelings. Is he feeling guilty towards the other girl or bad that he made me feel bad? I don't know. I just don't understand if it's that he's serious about someone else or realizing that it hurts me too much. I don't want him to be serious about someone else. It would make me feel better if he is still just sleeping around but not messing with me cause it hurts me. He does know I'm a sensitive and emotional person. Do you think he actually has feelings for someone else or is just having his fun like usual?
Expert:  Suzanne replied 3 years ago.
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