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Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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A FRIEND HAVE GIVEN ME UNSETTLING NEW ABOUT PARTNER

Resolved Question:

HI , I HAVE A FRIEND IN WHICH WE ARE SOMEWHAT CLOSE HOWEVER NOT IN MY INNER CIRCLE. THE QUESTION IS, IF THEY TOLD ME SOMETHING REGARDING MY PARTNER, WHICH IS VERY HURTFUL BECAUSE IT INCINATES A POSSIBLE LOOKING OUTSIDE OF OUR RELATIONSHIP FOR INTIMACY, ALTHOUGH OUR RELATIONSHIP IS GOING THROUGH SOME TURMOILL, AS FAR AS I KNOW WE ARE TRYING TO FIX IT AND MAYBE GET BACK ON TRACK. I HAD PLANNED ON TALKING WITH MY MATE THIS WEEKEND TO EVAULATE WERE WE ARE IN THE RELATIONSHIP, HOWEVER SINCE HEARING THIS NEWS I MUST ADMIT THAT I AM FINDING IT HARD TO GAITHER MY THOUGHTS AND I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WOULD IT BE WISE TO BRING THIS UP IN OUR CONVERSATION.. I AM TRYING TO KEEP IN MIND THAT THIS BACILLY HEARSAY ALTHOUGH THE EVIDINCC IS VERY CONVICING.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 3 years ago.

Thanks for writing to Just Answer.

 

The first thing to do when someone presents you with possibly hurtful information is to consider the source.

 

Does this person have anything to gain by telling you your partner may be looking outside the relationship? If not, I would take what they said seriously. But what you do with the information is what's important--not whether it's "hearsay" (that only counts in a court of law).

 

You said that the relationship is in turmoil, so it could possibly be true. But the biggest point is that you now know just how much turmoil/ trouble your relationship is in.

 

Are you going to use the information in an argument with your partner, or are you going to use it to spur you on to work even harder to end the turmoil?

 

When people are unhappy, they often "look around" to see what their options are. That doesn't mean that your mate is cheating. Looking around can also be a way to build their self-esteem back up when turmoil at home is making them feel badly. Having a flirtation is dangerous, but can make the person feel desirable again.

 

If you want to save this relationship, try bringing it up something like this: " I know that you've been unhappy, and might have even started looking for someone else, but I love you and want to fix what's broken in our relationship. Do you want to keep working at it too?"

 

If your mate denies looking around, don't get into a big " well, so and so said...." There is nothing to gain from that type of argument. Focus on going forward and fixing.

 

I wish you all the best as you try to sort this out with your mate.

Suzanne

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX yes i agree with consider the source. This person seems to be hellbent on trying to peep information on my mate, Its almost to the point were I was just about to tell them to but out. I do however think that it is very possible the info is true ,as i said I was going to be talking with them soon as this has gone on for 6mnts. My mate latly always bring up old dirt and things I have done in the past like 3.5 yrs ago, and somehow connect them all to those incidents,even after working on them he says well it took a long time to correct and the damage has been done, so its very hard to talk to them without the conversation been stunted by well you did,this and cause me great hurt(not cheating or physical violence ,but hurtful to him just the same ), I have never countered with a tit for tat, although i can think of several things and would like bring up , but before I can its muffled with what i did ,so it appears all of the issues is my fault. I just thought this may be away to stop that cycle by letting them know that I am aware . I agree with your approach although I reliize the outcome may be the end of our relationship , but not saying or addressing the issue is not good for me as its very stressful not knowing were we are headed. My mate insist he has no more energy to fight but concedes that without him we cant move forward, why are we at a stand still,? do you think that we both have to help move this forward ?, and maybe if he see That he also have some fualts he would be a little more receptive to what i am trying to say and do.
Expert:  Suzanne replied 3 years ago.

This will be impossible to fix by yourself. It seems that things have been building up between you for years, if he is bringing up things that happened over 3 years ago.

 

Telling a person they have faults isn't going to help change things, it will only make him defensive.

 

With things at such a stalemate, it seems couples counseling is very much needed. Obviously you have been trying to fix things for a long time without success. It's time to call in a professional to help. Here's a couple of links to help you find a couples therapist in your area. http://www.goodtherapy.org/ http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/

 

I wish you all the best,

Suzanne

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
DO YOU KNOW IF THESE COUNSELERS ARE GAY FRIENDLY?
Expert:  Suzanne replied 3 years ago.

Lots of them will be...and will usually say something about that in their profile.

Here's another link...to LGBT therapists. Hope this helps!

Suzanne

Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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