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Kristin
Kristin, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 454
Experience:  Psychotherapist and Relationships Expert with 11+ years exp. Dating, Relationships, Marriage.
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I have been married for 7 years and have two little children.

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I have been married for 7 years and have two little children. Most of the time, we are happy, and I thought I was a good wife. Once in awhile, I have said no to my husband when he wanted to have sex. It must have hurt his ego very much. He said it is the way I say it. In the past, he would stay angry for many days, but if I apologized, he would let down his guard and be happy again. Recently, similar thing happened. Even though I tried not to say no to him, when I did, it hurt his feeling so much that he does not want anything to do with me. He told me never to touch him again. He told me he will not leave the family, but if he had an affair outside of marriage, it would be all my fault. He will not have any expectations from me, and that way neither of us would get mad at each other. I am scared. What can I do? It's been 3 weeks and he won't accept my apologies.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kristin replied 6 years ago.

Hello and thank you for your question.

 

Your husband's behavior sounds inappropriate. You are allowed to decline sex if you are not feeling in the mood. It sounds like you are only doing this on occasion. His reaction of pouting and sulking is immature. His threat of having an affair, due to this and then placing the blame on you is manipulative. It's quite possible that he is thinking of having an affair and needs some way to justify it, or is simply being controlling and trying to scare you into doing what he wants. Giving you the silent treatment and refusing to do anything with you, when he is mad about this is destructive and an over-the-top reaction. It sounds like from your behavior, he knows that you are scared and will try hard to please him. Instead of him appreciating you or trying to reach a mutual solution, he is more concerned with just himself. I would stop bending over backwards to get him to talk with you. Call his bluff...tell him, if you decide to have an affair, that will only be your choice. You are an adult responsible for your own choices. If you choose a destructive one, I cannot promise you that I will stick with you. Don't let him control you. Also, you two need marital counseling. If he refuses, again tell him, that if he is not willing to get help with these issues of how he behaves when you say no to sex, than that is his choice. Tell him if he refuses to accept your apologies, that is his problem, not yours. Then go about your business....and let him see that you are not going to do whatever he says, whenever he says it. Also, I highly suggest that you seek some counseling, even on your own(if he will not attend) as you could use some support with this situation. Don't let him manipulate you. Please click ACCEPT, if satisfied. If not, please REPLY to me. Thank you.

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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you so much for your input. I will try counseling on my own since he had refused. I really hope this is just a bluff. I do not want to mess up this marriage for the sake of our children and us. I know this is a pretty stupid question, but do men who bluff like this eventually calm down? my husband, as far as I know, is too proud to have an affair.

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