Thanks for writing to Just Answer.
You seem to have a fairly high degree of self-awareness, as you note that you know at times you're rationalizing, but you are indulging in some very risky behavior.
The situation of sleeping with a man without protection when you don't allow your husband the same freedom with you suggests that you may have some unacknowledged rage against your husband. This can happen when a present situation reminds us of something from earlier in our life.
For example, while you make a good living and intellectually don't mind supporting him and his art, this may remind you ---subconsciously---of a time earlier in your life, usually childhood, when someone who was supposed to take care of you didn't, and you had to "make do" with what you could do for yourself.
You have, in a way, developed a relationship with your husband that keeps him in the role of adolescent. You pay for what he needs, like a parent. You also don't allow him to come inside you--which is the way teenagers try to deal with the pregnancy issue. Why not use a form of birth control so that you can have adult sex with him? (Since you took the morning-after pill, it would seem that you don't have any religious or other restrictions against birth control.)
You have him under very tight control in two main areas of life--money & sex--and while you may on one hand enjoy the control, it sounds as if it also led to you feeling disdain for your husband for needing/allowing you to have all the control.
I think it would be a great idea for you to find a therapist to work on these issues with. The fact that your behavior is becoming more risky (no protection) says that these issues are starting to affect your life and need attention. This goes deeper than anything that a correspondence online would be able to solve.
The most sensible things to do is are:
1. Get a therapist
2. Stop sleeping with other men until you have resolved the issues that I mentioned earlier.
3. Tell your husband he has to contribute to the household. Very few artists can live on their art alone, and it is not unreasonable to expect him to work, at least part-time.
4. Get on a form of birth control so you don't have to make your husband pull out.
5. Don't put yourself in situations where you can end up having illicit sex --pregnancy is not the only danger--how will you explain to your husband if you get an STD?
6. The time to think about whether to leave or not is after you have dealt with the issues in your marriage--otherwise, they will more than likely repeat themselves in your next relationship in one form or another.
I wish you all the best as you work through these issues in your marriage,
I had to smile when I read how the guy you slept with is giving up his job to be a musician...isn't is amazing how the patterns repeat?
You have so many concurrent issues going on -- lack of real communication and differing goals with your husband, money disagreements, risky sexual behavior, and now perhaps questions about your sexual orientation--that it would be impossible to work on all of them online.
There does seem to be a pattern of ambivalence about men--dumping them after they fall in love with you-- and your father being there but not paying attention to you could have played a role in why you developed this pattern, but that's way past the level we can do online. And it's very interesting that you felt that masturbating was like betraying him, but you have been interested in two other men and acted on those impulses. There is so much going on underneath the surface that needs to be worked on.
Seriously--you need a therapist. NOT because you're "crazy" but because you are going to need a lot of support to figure things out so the repeating patterns stop. I did a search online and only came up with one, in Rio DeJaneiro I'm hoping you can find more in your local telephone directory.
I've enjoyed working with you, and if you have specific questions in the future, please put "For Suzanne" as the first two words in your post, and we can continue the conversation. But I would be doing you a disservice to try to tackle such complex issues via email.
Yes, you interpreted what I said correctly...the issue is 99% yours.
You might be surprised how freeing it is to have a "professional stranger" to talk with about things. There's even a therapy for you "rational types" ;-) --it's called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).
I have books I like for personal growth, but not to sound like a broken record (or CD with a scratch on it...) you have several issues going on at once, so there isn't one particular book that will help.
That said, I'll give you some links to a few of my favorites:
But I don't think a person can change life patterns by reading books. Gain insight, yes. Change, no.
If the person with the problem attempts to fix the problem without feedback from an impartial person, the same distorted thinking is not going to come up with a new answer. In other words, there's a reason people have long sought out clergy and therapists...we all need someone to bounce things off of....sometimes hearing ourselves say something out loud helps us realize the error in thinking.
Should you tell your husband? I think this is internal work, and am not sure what there is to tell. Once you have done the work, there will be lots to talk about, but opening it up too soon will make it an intellectual conversation rather than the deep work you need to do.