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Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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HiI got a problem at work. It is regarding a guy I have

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<p>Hi I got a problem at work. It is regarding a guy I have to work with. Anyone like to help me out with this? </p><p>I am having a bit of hard time at work. Most people who work in my section hate this job as it is very stressful.  I am finding it hard to find another job, even though I have all the qualifications and all that. Apart from that I am living apart from my family and friends, so overall life is very hard.</p><p>The problem I have is about this man who works in my company. He works in a different section and is a far more senior than I. He is in his mid thirties and is a bit moody, self centred man. I do not know him on a personal level; therefore it is hard for me to know his personality and all that. </p><p>I felt attracted to him from the very first day, but I did not give it a much thought. But I have seen him looking at me quite a lot. I am working for this company for nearly a year now. After a few months, I slowly started looking at him too. He looked right into my eyes, but his look was very intense and not friendly. Since we have to talk/email regarding work matters, I do have to interact with him sometimes. So once I simply smiled at him. He smiled back at me. After that he was friendly with me. I really liked to get to know him better, but I did not know how. So one day I sent a simple email to him asking how he was. He did not reply back. But after 2 days, he came to me and asked me how I am doing. I was kind of shocked as he is usually nervous and a bit shy with me. </p><p>Anyway he started coming to my office every day. The very first thing he used to do was to look at my face. Sometimes this guy is very moody. He will be in a bad mood. Other times he acts quite confidently and nicely too. </p><p>I really liked him so I wanted to get to know him more. But he did not try to do anything to get to know me more. His looks really confused me a lot. So finally I emailed him and asked him what is going on. He told me that the issue is that he is married and has a son too. </p><p>At first I was shocked. I did not expect a married guy to stare so hard at a girl so intensely.  It is hard for me to explain but I did feel something between this guy and me. But I told him that I did not have the least idea that he was married. All this talking was done using emails. We never talked face to face about ourselves, except the time he asked me how I was doing.</p><p>After this he was very friendly to me. He helped with work matters. Usually he acts a bit proudly and thinks he is in a better position than us. But he was very nice to me. He was also in a good mood those days. But inside I was so upset. So I started ignoring him and stopped looking at him. May be he got the hint as he too became so distant and even stopped coming to my section after that. </p><p>After that we had to email and talk about work matters quite often. Once he got a bit annoyed about a work matter and since I was stressed out, I got angry too. So he told me to ‘hold the fire'. (Emailed). So I emailed him back telling him that I am under a lot of stress. Then he replied back telling ‘no problems'.</p><p>I felt very depressed about this whole thing. He still kept looking at me (like trying to guess how I was feeling). So I wrote him a long long email, explaining in general about my life and problems I am having. Also told him although I liked him a lot, I want to move on and all that. It is very honest and sad email. He did not reply. He did not even try to be kind and nice (even in professional way). He was rather a bit angry with me (his tone). I had to call him and he came and talked to me about a work problem. Like I said his tone was like he is angry with me. </p><p>He goes home early now as he is working part time (may be looking after his kid). But sometimes he replies back to our emails. So he kind of started sending work emails to me every day. He started being nice to me about work matters. Like he used to reply to my emails very fast and even gave me work advice.</p><p>So this went on for some time. I did not try to look at his eyes or face again. Things were going fine and I was feeling better since we had a good working relationship. I was happy that I am able to seek his professional advice. But then all of a sudden one day he got angry with me again (which I still do not understand). He told me that I need to contact the customer and sort out the problem (in reality it is his responsibility to contact the customers). I was upset and felt a bit annoyed. I had to do my work plus contact the customer too. In the end I made a mistake. Then he came and talked to me and explained to me about the mistake. He never smiled nor did he look at my face or eyes. His tone was not friendly too. </p><p>He does not respond or come and help all people like this. It depends on the type of work as well as on the person too. Anyway there are a few ladies at my sections with whom he is a bit friendlier with. This is something I really do not understand. One lady is a bit older one and he is very nice to her.  Also there is this married girl. Almost all guys talk to her and hang out with her. For some reason this girl is not that friendly to me and rather ignores me. But this guy likes her a lot too. He is very nice and friendly to these 2 ladies. </p><p>Now he is not friendly to me even regarding work matters. He won't even say ‘hi' to me in our work emails. When we meet, he still looks at me but it is not like before. I see him being very friendly with these two ladies. It breaks my heart as I like him so much. Even after knowing my situation in life (in a general way), he won't be nice to me? People say I am very kind and nice. I know he thinks that I have good heart too (he told me a while ago). </p><p>Why can't he be nice to me (like he is with these other 2 ladies) or even be helpful to me regarding work matters (like he used to be). It is hard as this guy has moods. He gets worked up a bit easily too. Like I said he is a bit self centred person. But when I see him being friendly to these other 2 ladies (only about work matters), it makes me very unhappy about myself.  Now I try to ignore him as the best as I can.  But it is making me feel very upset and angry to see him being nice to this older lady.  I have no problem of him being nice to people. It is just that I find it hard that he cannot be nice to me as well?  I know my body language and behaviour might not be that nice too. I ignore him, raise my eye brows when I see him, or go away from a room when he comes in. So he does the same too. I do not understand what to do. </p><p> </p>
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 3 years ago.

Thanks for writing to Just Answer.

 

You will not like this answer, I'm afraid. There are a lot of red flags in what you wrote that should warn you away from trying to pursue a relationship with this man.

 

1.He is married, with a child

2. He is moody

3. He is senior to you--and this is important in a tight job market.

 

The reason he isn't treating you the same is because he was attracted to you at one point. The other ladies in the office aren't a threat to him--whereas you and he have exchanged personal information, and at least mentally toyed with the idea of an attraction.

 

If he has decided to remain faithful in his marriage, he "can't afford" to be nice to you anymore. Looking away , raised eyebrows and leaving the room, etc. is very likely making it worse, as those are the actions of a jilted lover. What are the other people in the office thinking when you ignore a senior staff person, or walk out of the room when he arrives? He can be nice to the older married lady because she is safe.

 

In this economy and tight job market it is just too dangerous to have romantic entanglements at work (or the appearance of a romance). Try to stop sending him signals by behaving differently when he comes around. Go back to being professional, and don't try to bring up personal matters with him. Let this "thing" between you go...Take comfort in the fact that he found you attractive, but remember he is married, and higher up the employment chain than you.

 

Make more of an effort to find men to date outside of your work world, and the memory of this email fling will fade. It is always the woman who pays the price for situations like this at work. It's not worth it for a married man.

 

I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but it is what I believe to be true based on both my counseling and life experience.

I wish you all the best in finding someone new to distract you from this whole thing...

Suzanne

 

Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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