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Kristin
Kristin, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 453
Experience:  Psychotherapist and Relationships Expert with 11+ years exp. Dating, Relationships, Marriage.
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I am a 66 year old woman. I want to know if I am crazy to

Customer Question

I am a 66 year old woman. I want to know if I am crazy to feel upset when my best friend is trying to form a relationship with my other best friend. It is making my feel betrayed. Should I just let this go or should I confront my friend. I feel she is "crossing the boundaries" of our friendship.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

Hello and thank you for your question.

 

Your feelings are really not that unusual. I can give you a more thorough and complete response however if I have just a bit more information from you.

When your friend is trying to form a relationship with your other best friend, is she leaving you out? Meaning making plans without including you? Not telling you that she talked to your other best friend? Or is it more that she is trying to form a friendship and also include you, do things as a group etc? How did these two meet? You say that you feel betrayed. Is that what bothers you about this, or are you also worried that they will become better friends, and not be friendly with you anymore? Thank you for answering these questions. I will then respond to you immediately with a full suggestion of how to proceed.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thanks for your response. Two years ago, my friend made arrangements to meet my other friend without my knowledge. This happened when they were both at a party at my house. The second friend came up to me quite upset, actually, to let me know. After thinking about it for a day, I asked her not to go ahead with the meeting. At the time, I felt very befuddled about the whole thing (I actually felt like I was acting like a teenager), but I thought if they met, I would feel even worse.

Since then, I never had the two of them together, although the first friend kept asking me if we three couldn't all go to dinner sometime.

Last night was a holiday, and I decided that two years have passed. I had already invited the second friend, and a bit relunctantly, I asked the first one - thinking that I needed to get over my anxiety.

I heard them making some kind of arrangement in the kitchen. I think the first friend was asking her to take bridge lessons or some such thing (I"m not exactly sure and haven't asked). I don't plan to interfere again - they are all adults, but I found last night when I wrote you that I was really furious about this. I don't think my friend has any knowledge about boundearies in this sort of situation.

Thanks for any advice you can give me.

Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for the additional information. I suppose it would be better protocol for all involved if your friend made plans with both of you (meaning, didn't exclude you). At the same time, as you said, they are adults and can certainly make decisions for themselves. Often times in groups of friends (adult women) sometimes a couple of them in the group will go out to lunch together or do something exclusively, and other times with someone else (pair up) or out as a group, three of you, whatever. It does sound like the first friend, really likes this other friend, and does want to form a closer bond with her. That is okay... if she simply just enjoys her company. It would have been considerate, I think, if she would have said something to you about it, or asked about your feelings regarding approaching your other friend etc. For example, asking you, after meeting her, for her phone number and if you minded if she contacted her, etc. At the same time, you are all grown women and this technically is okay, really. It's a tricky dynamic...and the core of it is maybe fear of loss. Fear that these two women will like each other even more than you, or exclude you, who knows. I would simply wait and see what your second friend does. Chances are, based on her first reaction of feeling upset, she will not follow through on the bridge lessons. From this point forward, I would then probably not invite them both to parties or outings etc. as it does upset you. Do keep in mind that friends who like you, also might like your other friends too, and sometimes the more the merrier is a good thing too. For now, I would see what happens. They both sound like good friends, especially the second one. The first one could simply be trying to gain another good friend...no harm done. You really won't know without asking her, and that is up to you of course. :) Please click ACCEPT if satisfied so that I'm paid for my assistance. If not, please REPLY to me. Thank you!
Kristin, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 453
Experience: Psychotherapist and Relationships Expert with 11+ years exp. Dating, Relationships, Marriage.
Kristin and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I already accepted your last reply but I have one more question on the same topic. I would like to approach my first friend about this. How could I approach her without insulting her or looking foolish myself. Thanks for your help.

 

Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

Hi,

 

You could say something like I overheard you and (name of other friend), talking in the kitchen about bridge lessons. That sounds like a lot of fun.... and then wait and see if she invites you too or simply how she responds. Say something like I really like (the other friend) and see what she says...so that you are talking about her. You could then say something like, we all have fun together so maybe we could all do the bridge lessons, or say... is there a reason you are trying to do things with (other friend), without me? It makes me feel uncomfortable when you approach her, and I was just curious what your feelings were. And then see what she says. Hope this helps. :)

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
<p>Kristin,</p><p>Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX doesn't apply here because I am a level up in bridge so I wouldn't be taking beginner lessons. My first friend wants to learn how and therefore asked my other friend. The pretext is to learn bridge, but I know from the other experience that she is simply trying to find a way to do something or spend time with her. My bad feelings about the situation really stem from the first time she asked to see her which was definitely meant to be without me: the pretext, then, was she wanted my friend to help her with something. </p><p>If I don't say anything at all, I feel like this is festering and I will end up saying something snappish sometime. "I was thinking of saying something like, I notice that you seem to have a problem with boundaries where friendships are concerned." But, I guess it is probably better to say nothing at all, because this girl's feelings are very easily hurt and this will turn into something ugly.</p><p>One more thing.  This first friend (I've known her for 15 years) is always telling me what a good friend I am, how true a friend I am, how she's so lucky to have me for a friend, and I feel that she is not being a good friend to me.  That is the part that really galls me.  So that's it.  That is the last I want to say about this topic but I am interested in your feedback.</p><p>Thanks.</p><p>Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX let me know if you have any other ideas. If not, I will just keep my mouth shut. </p>
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

Hi again,

 

I have been giving this some thought. Your first friend could have avoided all of this hurt and annoyance by simply not overstepping her boundaries and if, she did want to do something with your other friend, you should have been the one to set it up, with all three of you, certainly not excluded. Either she is not a loyal friend, or is completely clueless that this behavior is offensive. The result though is the same that you are hurt and annoyed. You could tell her that her actions have made you feel hurt and you wonder where she is coming from. Or, you could not say anything, and just keep in mind that she is not as loyal as one would hope in a best or good friend. I would not lose her completely as a friend over this, but just keep in mind her tendency to overstep her boundaries in this area. You could say, you know how you were saying what a good friend I am, and how true I am, etc. well something you did, has hurt me, as it's something I would not do and I just wanted to clear the air...and then ask her why she did this and that you felt she was trying to exclude you, or take your friend, etc.

Again, you can approach her in that manner, or say nothing at all, and just be aware of this shortcoming in her. I would not have the two of them together again, until this is sorted out. Hope this helps!

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Again, thank you for your understanding in this. You have been very helpful.
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.
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