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Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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My husband and I were separated for Five years, due to an infidelity

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My husband and I were separated for Five years, due to an infidelity on his part with my best friend. We got back together, and have been living together for about a year now. Problem is, he and I don't sleep together. He sleeps on the couch and blames the cat and dog. We do things as a couple, but there is no intimacy or a connected feeling. No hand holding, no kissing or hugging, no anything. I feel like I just have a roomate. He does resent me for losing my job recently, and puts me down about various things. I'm not ugly or overweight. But he has said he is unhappy with himself, being a little overweight. i suggested walks or biker ides together and he seems to want to do those things but not with me, alone. he said he feels like he's being baby sitted because i still don't trust him. He keeps his cell phone in his pocket on vibrate all the time. He even takes it in the shower with him, and when he takes off his clothes at night to go to sleep, his phone is buried in the pocket of his pants and usually with something heavy over it so i can't look at his phone while he's asleep...I've tried talking about this with him, and he gets very defensive, and won't exactly go with me to counseling..any suggestions?

Thanks for writing to Just Answer.

 

It doesn't sound like much has changed in the five years you were separated. Either he has something to hide (which would be my guess--taking the cell phone into the shower is excessive.) or you have been pushing him away with distrust.

 

And even if you have been distrustful, as the one who was unfaithful, he should be making his life an open book now, not hiding it from you.

 

It doesn't sound like you two have much of a relationship, if you are just roommates after just a year of being back together.

 

I think you should go to counseling alone, and figure out why you are willing to settle for living like this. Most women would not tolerate it, and would make him leave. It may be that his infidelity had a profound effect on your self-esteem since it involved the two people closest to you. Working on feeling better about yourself will make you care less about checking up on him and his cell phone, and more about building a better life for yourself, with someone who cares about you and wants you to be happy and secure.

Here's a link to help you find a therapist in your area.

I wish you all the best!

Suzanne

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