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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1759
Experience:  PHD LPC
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Hi, Im in a relationship with a man (1 year) and I love him,

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Hi, I'm in a relationship with a man (1 year) and I love him, but I was never ready to move in. He tells me he loves me and he's never loved a woman as much. However, he is always upset at me and makes small mean remarks to me. He says he is like this because he is upset that I won't commit (move in and want to spend my life with him). I told him I cant't commit because he is always saying and doing little mean things. He does nice things too and that's why I'm confused. It's a catch 22. In the beginning of the relationship he started off too fast ... within 10 weeks months he wanted me to move in, change my relationship status on Facebook, say I love him. He has a temper and he is kind of controlling. He is actually here in US illegally on an expired Green Card, but he says that it doesn't bother him and he would have married his ex-girlfriend if he needed to get married. I asked him to get it taken care of and he says he's afraid to because he might be deported back to Europe. I run my own company and I have quite a bit of money. So there are two factors here that could be making him move too fast. We have had some good times and I can honestly say that love him, but I still am not ready to commit the rest of my life to him. I honestly don't know what to do because I'm sad at the thought of breaking up. Recently he lost his job and moved to another state. He is now into growing medical marijuana and wants me to move into the house he grows it at. I know it's "legal" in this state, but that can't be safe for me. He says he won't give it up because the money is good and thinks I'm using it as another excuse to not commit to him.

He got physical with me one time. I was driving and he was giving me directions. He told me to get in the right land and about a mile to get on freeway. I asked him North or South (I was visiting him in his new state). He told me to just keep going. I told him to just tell me North or South so I would know. It escalated into a huge argument and he went crazy! Pounding my dashboard, telling me I go on and on. He then poked me hard in my arm about 4 times with two fingers. All I did was ask which direction. He told me the next day he has mental problems from childhood abuse. He told me he was so sorry and to not give up on him. I feel bad, but I've never had a guy get physical like that with me. This could be a sign of future abuse maybe?

I know as an outsider you think I shouldn't even need to ask, but remember that I do love him and that makes it difficult. I just need some advice or wisdom to help me make the right decision.

Thank you in advance (please don't post on website)
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 6 years ago.

Hi and welcome,

I am not sure what your definition of love is however, I think you know in your gut that something is not right in this relationship and your hesitancy at committing yourself to this relationship speaks volumes. He is controlling and if he says mean things now they will escalate once you move in. How can you even think about a future with a guy like this when you don't like his behavior. Once he became physical that should have been your exit point. If you stay with him your chances of being abused again will rise significantly. I would suggest you find yourself a therapist and explore this relationship issue. How can you "love" someone who treats you as he does. Your gut is telling you something, you are smart and know it. I'd take your mother's advice on this one. You deserve better.

Please click accept and leave feedback. If you are a subscription customer or unlimited question customer you still need to click accept so I get credit for my answer. Thank you.

Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1759
Experience: PHD LPC
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