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Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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I met and fell in love very quickly with a man whos wife had

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I met and fell in love very quickly with a man whos wife had left him 6mth earlier then came back after a month then left him again..we had a fantastic 3weeks not long i know but the connection was very real for both of us and as a relative newcommer to our country he skyped his overseas rellies to tell them about me and how he was moving on..(ex stress not knowing many people,i just painting the pic for you) then the ex wifes best friend see us out having drinks and tell the ex wife who was in hosp having brest enlagements at the time for her new man!! but since ex wife found out about me she has constantly called my new man he is very confussed.. and says he is not sure he can trust her but she is "saying all the right things" he says and he is giving her his time as he says they have a 10yr history..we were both very sad the last time we saw each other hugged heaps that clinging type but at my age (40something) I played the adult card and left leaving them to see if they can put thier marriage back..but it kills!! I have not been in love for 6yrs and i feel a loss
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 4 years ago.

Thank you for writing to Just Answer.

 

I was glad to read that you played the adult, as it is very possible that you are the only adult in this situation. I think you have been a pawn in a drama that has been playing between the two of them for a very long time.

 

Here are the red flags I see:

1. She is immature enough to go get breast implants for a new man...and went ahead and did it even though he was very sick.

2. He is saying that she has a long list to answer, when in fact, her actions should have given him all the answers he needed.

3. He says he has been in this situation before, but obviously didn't learn from it.

4. You are right, he will be left again, and I would predict it will happen on a fairly regular basis.

5. One might even wonder (not know how large a city/town you live in) why he would take you for drinks at a place her best friend would be. I can't help but doubt that was a true coincidence. He probably wanted word that he was dating to get back to her to stir up the exact reaction he got from her.

 

The dating world is tough at 40, and I know you miss him, but I strongly feel that you have "dodged a bullet" here and were lucky to get out early before you were totally entangled in the dance those two are doing, and wasted more time.

I wish you all the best in finding a man who is truly free to be yours,

Suzanne

 

 

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

 

It was me that took him to that pub so no coinidence he only been in the perth for 10 mth knows hardly anyone i arranged to meet a couple of friends of mine in an effort to widen his experince of perth I have been a tour guide and social director for our time together and he was atlast enjoying perth and not sitting in his apartment alone with only the computer as company and online friendsfrom england..wish I had had your wisdom and said his wifes actions had answered his list.. they had not been in touch til the night of the pub for 6months..I have given myself the talk about lucky escape and get a grip but its not working!! we click so well and I have been out with quite a few men since my divorce 6yrs ago and never even felt a flicker of chemistry but just one day with this man and I was feeling like a school girl.. I saw a future..the wife was not on the scene then..groan

Expert:  Suzanne replied 4 years ago.

Believe me, I know all too well that school girl feeling...I got some of this 'wisdom' by living a long time as a single woman in the dating world, and of course, some by my training.

 

Some day I will figure out why men who are attached are so good at evoking the chemistry reaction. The best I've come up with so far, is that they know on some level that they are not going to have to make a commitment to the new woman (because he's "had ten years with her", "can't leave because of the kids", "she will take everything I've worked so hard for all these years if I divorce her." etc, etc, etc) Knowing that, they dive headfirst into the romance and chemistry, and appear to be holding nothing back-- talk about soul mates, "I've never felt this way before"--because they don't have the male fear of commitment (because they're already taken). It's perverse, but I think there is at least a grain of truth in this.

 

A woman like her will never give this man a moment's peace, even if he remarries. He apparently becomes more attractive to her when he is with someone else. Ask your remarried friends what it's like to have the first wife always in the picture. That will kill romance quicker than almost anything except money worries.

 

I wish I had a magic wand to take the longing away...

Best,

Suzanne

Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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Suzanne
Suzanne
Therapist in Private Practice
338 Satisfied Customers
Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency