Thank you for contacting JustAnswer.
I am sorry to hear about the problems you are experiencing. It sounds as if you have learned quite a bit from your past mistakes. I wonder if you believe that this man has learned from his. We all have choices to make about whether we will repeat our past mistakes or those of our parents or if we will learn from them and make other choices. Keep in mind that you cannot change anyone else other than yourself. Remember that actions speak louder than words, so his telling you that he wants to change is much less credible than his showing you change.
One thing I would add is that it seems that you have been doing quite a bit of emotional work about this relationship. In order for this to be a healthy relationship, we would expect your partner to do a relatively equal amount of emotional work (if you balance it out over time). This may be one way to evaluate if someone is committed to a relationship and to changing in order to make the relationship work. You deserve someone who will put the work into the relationship as well, since it takes two people to make it work. Also, I definitely believe in trusting your gut. It is often a very good indicator of red flags that should not be ignored. Feelings of love tend to be very irrational, while the gut is a good barometer of danger, both physical and emotional. I hope this is helpful and I wish you the best.
You may find the following website helpful to clarify about abuse: http://www.ndvh.org/get-educated/?gclid=CL-cjOXYr6MCFQpknAodkXxg6g
While you can't change his behavior, you can begin to be clear with him that you will no longer accept these behaviors. You can set boundaries where you need to and not tolerate unacceptable behavior.
It can be a difficult balance to judge whether it is better to stay in an unhealthy relationship or to end it. This is a decision only you can make. In the meantime, you may want to try couples therapy to help him understand how serious your concerns are and work on a resolution. If he refuses, then you may want to consider individual therapy as well in order to get some support for yourself, build up your self esteem, help you to set boundaries, and take good care of yourself. In the meantime, be sure to take care of yourself through healthy eating, exercise, rest and reaching out to supportive people in your life. I hope this answer is helpful. Please let me know if I can clarify further.