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Ask Lori Gephart Your Own Question

Lori Gephart
Lori Gephart, Licensed Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience:  Psychologist, Hypnotherapist & Divorce Coach providing marital therapy for over 20 years.
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Hello, Heres a little back ground that might help with answering

Customer Question

Here's a little back ground that might help with answering my question(s):
I was in a relationship for over a year. We both have trust issues. Mine stem from a long line of set-backs in life, for the most part were out of my control and I had to learn to cope and learn to deal with things on my own. From loosing both parents at separate times before age 7. My mother was out of the picture, before I was a year old and my father died in an accident. Then came the abusive relatives and years of foster care along with a bad marriage of 15 years. Not to mention ALL of my relatives are alcoholics, including my siblings. The ONLY ones that seem to escape this way of life was myself and my children who are all adults with families. I will say that I have made some wrong choices in life, however, I have never been one to run from my mistakes and have always tried to accept responsibility of my actions. I have always, considered myself as the black sheep of the family. I do drink, occassionally, maybe, 5 or 6 times a year and am only one who has graduated from college.

He told me of a long line of abuse in his past also, from his mother being dominant, his first wife cheated on him, his second wife verbally and physically abused him along with he states his father is the one he blames for his (past) alcohol abuse, he has been sober almost 9 years. He also, felt he was the black sheep of his family. He sobered up, went back to school and opened his own business.

Quite an accomplishment, I was impressed, not to mention we liked to do a lot of the same things and always seemed to enjoy each others company.

In the beginning, we told each other what we were looking for and what we wanted in what would hopefully be our last relationship. My thoughts were, "wow, where have you been hiding". Now, I keep asking myself, "OMG, how much more are you hiding."

In the beginning, he told that he had two bad marriages and one was abusive and that he wanted to be very careful not to end up in that type of situtation again. (Totally understandable) He he was not happy in the past and wanted to make a change, so he put himself through school and opened his own business. He became a born again Christian and also became ordained.

These are the things he didn't tell me upfront, but were shared slowly. He has had over a handful of DUI's, been in prison because of them. He too, had been charged with domestic violence (against the abusive wife, I do know that this is true). According to him, his mom was controlling (it took almost six months before he allowed me to meet his family, I don't see her as controlling, however, maybe too giving and no one stands up to him, they don't agrue with him, they always let him have the last word.) He talks about all of these friends he has, but we hung out with non. He does know a lot of people, but they are only acquaintances not friends, I don't know if he knows the difference. Not to mention, he preaches he wants to be with someone, open, honest and communicates. These traits I found are ones he expects from others but does not feel he should have to comply with his own rules. There are also, some sexual issues that I do not feel comfortable sharing, too much.

My question is: is it possible that he is still just a lost soul as I want to believe? Is there is still hope in showing him that life can be wonderful if he would allow it to be or is he too set in his ways? He was single for 5 years before we got together, he did do some dating but was never in a relationship.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Lori Gephart replied 5 years ago.
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