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Dr.G., Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1474
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota
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Is this normal Im going to relate an incident that happened

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Is this normal?

I'm going to relate an incident that happened today between my wife and me. Because this is not the first time, my ongoing question is: am I at fault, or is she overreacting?

We are traveling, today we went on a group tour, ended up having lunch with the group at a vineyard. We're both into health foods and we are both vegetarians. In fact, I have a health business and I write books on the subject. She also strongly believes in being vegan, healthy, etc. I do to, but I'm not always strict especially when I travel. I rarely drink alcohol at all, but if I'm at a special vineyard touring, I'm going to have some wine. I also don't make such a big fuss about it if I'm going to eat something that has a tiny amount of dairy products in it. My wife, on the other hand, is very strict about the dairy/meat issue, as she claims that even the tiniest amount of dairy (like a bit of cream or milk) will make her sick.

It's always a problem with organized tours as even when we make our requirements known in advance they are not always met.
I'm more easy going about this and I don't like confrontation. So I'd rather compromise a little than have a hard time to get 100% what I would want.

So today at lunch we got almost everything we had asked for, except for the main course which was pasta, and it had some cream in it. I said, "well it doesn't look like much" so I ate it anyway.

But she won't, so I make sure that the waiter knows and say that "she has very strict requirements, can you make something else" (Did not say that exactly, but something like that).

Same for the wine... she won't drink wine at all, but I do sometimes (rarely).

Anyhow, the replacement meal was not that great (for her), but she gets all upset "I'm so tired of you making me feel in front of everybody like I'm the problem, when you're the one writing books and having a business about health, etc."

When she gets upset like that, it lasts for hours and she's all distant.

Her issue was that I don't care, I don't like confrontation and I'd rather just compromise. She doesn't want to do that, so she doesn't like that I make her feel in front of other people like she's the one with the "special diet", the "source of problems".

What is going on? I think she's overreacting and she's acting childish. She is in fact younger than me (25, I'm 34).
I wouldn't call it childish because she has her convictions about being a vegetarian and she is sticking to it. The problem, however, is that she is sooooo strict that she is setting herself up to be disappointed and frustrated because the majority of people won't or can't accommodate her. In fact she is the problem but doesn't realize it. If she was more relaxed on the issue like you OR if she provided her own food then problem solved. She is the one with a special diet and she needs to realize that maybe her food choice and requests are unreasonable to the restaurant business. She just expects people to accommodate her when she is out and there lies the problem....Her Expectations. So what you do is let her reap the consequences of her choices and don't mention anything about what she eats and don't try to help resolve the issue because obviously she is mis-perceiving your help.
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