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Angela
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  n/a
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Hi, My boyfried and I have been together for 3 years, it

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Hi,
My boyfried and I have been together for 3 years, it is a good relationship on the whole. We have both always been unsure about having children. He now decided, that as he is 40, he wants to have one pretty soon. He says he doesn't want to end up being grandad instead of a dad. Fair enough I say. I don't mind, but ideally would like to wait another couple of years (I'm 33). The problem is, that I always had my own and been involved and worked with horses. They are my passion and a huge part of me since I have been a child. If I was to get pregnant, I wouldn't be able to keep my horse, which I have bred myself (I was there when he was born and I have lost his mum)and I have incredible bond with him. I can't sell him! My other half wouldn't and possibly could't support keep of said horse. He doesn't even seem to understand what it means to me. What do I do? I almost feel like breaking up with my partner, as it seems to be a pretty major issue to me.
I need help please

Thank you

Lucie
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 3 years ago.
Hello Lucie, my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

Based on what you have written, unfortunately, your boyfriend does not get the fact that your horse is actually your child, of course not a human child, but still your child. That is why you almost feel like breaking up with him along with the fact that his attitude is very dismissive and unwilling to be sensitive to the intense bond you have with your horse. Therefore, based on what you have shared, I suggest considering not getting pregnant until he is willing to open his mind to the seriousness of this subject along with being willing to support your horse which is not just a hobby. It is selfish of him to want you to get pregnant and for him to be willing to support a human child while expecting you to kick your horse who is your child to the curb- that's horrible. He needs to sacrifice and compromise along with you. Your sacrifice is getting pregnant earlier than you wanted to and his sacrifice includes helping you to keep your horse who is already a member of your family.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX actually made me cry. I thought I was the selfish one wanting to keep my horse! But you are right, he is my non human child. But I know my partner will say that he will not be able to support the horse financially, which he is probably right about. Will I be stupid to finish perfect relationship for this? Or is that too harsh? I will talk to him, but I know finances will be the issue even if he comes round to the idea. And that will probably not change in the future.
Expert:  Angela replied 3 years ago.
I understand the concern about finances and I wouldn't end the relationship over this as long as he is willing to compromise with you. I suggest talking to him about this again and ask what amount he can contribute to the horse instead of full supporting the horse? Also, I suggest searching on the internet to find local horse shelters in your area and call them and ask for their suggestions in terms of possible ways for you to get the necessary funding to keep your horse or maybe you could arrange for him to be adopted by a nearby family provided you are allowed visitation rights or maybe you could arrange for people to rent your horse to ride and etc.: these are just a few examples of what you could ask their opinion about and get their feedback on. Here are two links just two give you examples of horse rescue shelters, but also look for some in your area. You can call as many as you want to get the most information possible: Link 1. Link 2.
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience: n/a
Angela and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Well, he broke up with me over it. He says that it looks like like I will always put the horse first (even before children!!) and it just doesn't feel right to him, as he will not be able to support family and horse. I have told him about options of sharing/loaning etc., but he feels that its not a permament solution. Have I just lost great relationship because of my horse? I just don;t want to start hating my horse as well. I'm in a totall pickle. What do I do now??
Expert:  Angela replied 3 years ago.
I honestly believe you lost a relationship that appeared to be perfect until your boyfriend realized that he could not manipulate you to get what he wanted which was his way: get pregnant and get rid of the horse. Therefore, please realize that this is not your horse's fault and the breakup is not because of the horse, it is solely because your boyfriend could not get his way on this issue. This is also a red flag in the sense: what else would he do in the future when he realized that he could not get his way about another issue- would he also break up with you? A person who is truly healthy and truly in love with you would not be jealous of a horse nor would he be unwilling to compromise with you pertaining to a horse. His comment....you always put the horse first also shows that he is jealous of the horse and unwilling to respect your feelings about the horse in any capacity. As a result, he clearly just wanted the horse out of the picture which is horribly disrespectful of your wants and wishes which should have equal value and worth to him as his own wants and wishes. Therefore, should he come to his senses and come back to you, be sure to lay down ground rules for going forward.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
What exactly should I say to him that I haven't said to him before if he wants to get back together? I have told him pretty much what you have said, but he just keeps going on about how he wants his child to have a good childhood, without money worries(that is his wish, should I not respect that?).....oh, just typing that it hit me - me and my happines is nowhere in that picture of his, he really doesn't respect me does he? It hurts even more then anything else.
Sounds like I just need to get over him. It hurts so bad. I'm going to go and give my lovely Otto (the horse) a big cuddle. Any tips on how to stop crying and get throug this? I don't have any family I can talk to and my best friend is away on honemoon at the moment!
Expert:  Angela replied 3 years ago.
You wrote: he just keeps going on about how he wants his child to have a good childhood, without money worries(that is his wish, should I not respect that? The issue here is not what he has stated because if he didn't want their to be money worries he would at least let you or even help you to explore the many other possible options I suggested- again he simply wants his way and only his way. Yes he does not respect and value your wants and wishes at the same level of his own or at all compared to his own wants and wishes- tough to be in a relationship like this especially when the hard times hit down the road. If he comes back suggest that he go to therapy with you due to the intense emotional pain he has caused you and I wouldn't take him back until he goes to couples therapy.

To help you get through the intense pain you are feeling, you can do the following:

I am sorry for this painful time you are having. Healing a broken heart takes time and there are no quick fixes, however, the below steps will help your broken heart heal.

1. Get a positive support system in place for yourself which includes loved ones and friends you can trust and share this extremely painful experience with and who will also help you through it.

2. You are dealing with various normal emotions due to being separated from someone you were once so close to, therefore, if possible, I recommend going to see a therapist, counselor, etc., in person on a weekly basis to help you deal with this (-especially any guilt, hurt, depression, confusion, frustration, anger, etc. that you may naturally feel). If you are religious, your place of worship may have free counseling available (-many churches have free counseling).

3. Write down how you feel in a journal. Then close out each writing session by meditating: close your eyes, breathe in deeply and exhale. At the same time think of something peaceful. For example: a bright blue ocean with deep rich blue waves gently whispering against the beach. Meditating will help you through this difficult time and it will also help you to heal.

4. Lastly, a book I recommended to my clients dealing with the same situation, which they found helpful, can be found by clicking here:
Also, write in your journal the different emotions and feelings you have as you read through the book. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but slowly and surely you will be able to overcome this.

Expert:  Angela replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for my bonus.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
You are welcome. You more than deserve it. I will very probably be coming back soon. I feel better already, I'm glad that you confirmed that I'm not the bad person!
Expert:  Angela replied 3 years ago.
Thanx so much and take care of yourself!

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