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Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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My Ex Girlfriend whom I met 3 months ago just broke up with

Resolved Question:

My Ex Girlfriend whom I met 3 months ago just broke up with me. We were serious and committed for about a little over a month. She travels 4-5 times per year to do promotions as a model for an alcohol company. Things were progressing really well and there were no real problems befor he left. I was the model boyfriend and she couldn't stop telling me how happy I made her, how she is lucky to be with me, and never wants me to question her feelings. Before I go any further I have to say her history is questionable. Her sister who was a year younger died of a brain tumor when she was 10. She admits that she never delt with it and just bottled it up. She had many volitile relationships in her past and after things ddnt go well she basically ran to another place arounf the country to start over. She broke up with her Ex before me about 10 months ago and was single and not really dating anyone until I met her.
I took this info in stride. I should have know she was very unstabble but I was happy with where the realtionship was going.

So when she got back from her most recent trip about 3 weeks ago I picked her up at teh airport with flowers and so on. She stayed over that night but I could tell something was wrong. That night after not contacting me all day she said we need to talk. She talked about us not feelig right. And that she doesn't like to let people get that close to her and I was gettign close. So she asked for some time to think. 2 days later we broke up. She said she needs time to herslf to figure out what she wants. I was the most amazing man she ever met and so on. She told me she didn't "expect" me to wait for her but I need to do what makes me happy and she needs time to figure out what she wants. She said for now we need space but in the future, who knows.

What am I supposed to think? I trust her and can tell this was hard for her at first and that nobody else was in the picture. It is just hard to understandwhat is really going on because of everything she sid, she even said she loved me. And ten all of a sudden it is a complete 180. I havent had any communication with her in about 6 days and am just stirring. I know the timing proubably isnt right and I am trying my best to give her her wish of no contact but I am so confused. A part of me wants her back but a part of m is hurt. I feel like it was all a lie. If she is scared and just need time and is willing to try again I will give it a shot. I am just so lost right now. Every day that goes by is getting harder. I feel like she never cared abou me at all and completely forgot about me. What happened and how do I deal with this? I am scared I will never talk to or see her again.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 4 years ago.
Chat Conversation Started
Cathy :

Hi jacustomer and thanks for writing JA

Cathy :

are you there?

Customer :

yes

Cathy :

Hi

Cathy :

How are you doing tonight?

Cathy :

Hello?

Customer :

pretty good. Just trying to put everythign together

Cathy :

I see. I have read your post and its painful

Cathy :

I am sorry to hear about what you have been through and will do my best to help you sort this out

Cathy :

but one thing I have to say

Customer :

yeah, its just so strange and hard to understand

Customer :

cool

Cathy :

and that is that your intuition is very much on target

Cathy :

Its strange and hard to understand because you are the one who fell in love and you cannot be objective

Cathy :

and yet

Cathy :

several times you say

Cathy :

she is unstable

Customer :

how is that

Cathy :

several times you note that she is not stable and you sense some problems

Customer :

I dont want to make excuses for me or her. It was hard because things were going so well. I dont know how long she felt that way

Customer :

it just hit me completely by surprised.

Customer :

she played along the whole time

Cathy :

I do not think she played you in the sense that she wished to hurt you. I think she really did believe that she found a great guy who was amazing

Cathy :

and I am sure you are amazing :

Customer :

it is like she is able to turn off emaotions and feelings within seconds. I know it was hard on her to tell me how she felt but its just cld

Customer :

cold*

Cathy :

superficial is the word that comes to mind to me? does that help you

Cathy :

How old is she and how old are you?

Customer :

yeah. that works.

Customer :

I am 26 she is 25

Cathy :

I see

Customer :

she knows she found someone unlike anyone else in me like she told me many times but she just couldn't accept it.

Customer :

she thought it was wasted on her

Cathy :

She knows what to say to make you feel intoxicated with her

Customer :

yeah i guess

Cathy :

You see we all love hearing how amazing and wonderful we are

Cathy :

all of us

Cathy :

when people tell us this whom we wish to have approval it is very seductive no

Cathy :

no?

Customer :

of course

Cathy :

So when she told you these things you felt pretty darn good

Cathy :

maybe even a little high

Customer :

yeah its great

Cathy :

especially when it comes from a beautiful woman who works as a model

Customer :

ok.

Cathy :

ok

Customer :

i agree

Customer :

yeah

Cathy :

so

Cathy :

what do you think happened here? do you think she is perhaps not so evolved and she met you and fell in love or became infatuated?

Cathy :

and then she fell out of love because she did not understand that love is something very different than infatuation?

Customer :

yeah I think she fell for me and got scared tried to keep her guard up but havent felt that way before

Customer :

so she ran

Customer :

to her comfort zone

Cathy :

I do not agree with you so tell me how to work on this with you, should I tell you what I think happened or just type words to help comfort you. I can do either? Let me know what you need to feel better and I will do that.

Customer :

what happened and how do I get over it. I need to work on me. I would love to have her back some day but I have to worry about me now.

Customer :

what am I supposed to do. is it ovr for good

Cathy :

Good.

Cathy :

yes it is

Cathy :

its over for good and she did you such a favor you have no idea

Cathy :

Here is why

Cathy :

I am sure she did fall for you and in her mind she did love you. of that I am so sure

Customer :

ok

Cathy :

I am also sure that she probably is not equipped to go the distance of a long term relationship. From the behaviors you describe she might have some self esteem issues and I know that is hard to believe

Cathy :

but she does not sound evolved or some would say mature

Cathy :

now there is another very important point I want you to try to hear

Customer :

no she does. I believe it

Customer :

I agree

Cathy :

and that is that you are heart broken not because she is gone

Customer :

ok

Cathy :

when all of us end relationships it is not the person we miss so much

Cathy :

as it is the way that we felt when we were with them

Cathy :

all of us not just you, all of us

Cathy :

we have very creative imaginations and when we are in a relationship with someone we build up this picture in our mind

Customer :

i agree

Cathy :

part imagination and part infatuation and in a way we get a little bit high

Customer :

i miss having someone be there for me and care about me so i agree. the hard part is that I really do miss as much of her as a person too.

Cathy :

I am sure she is a nice lady I am also sure she is not ready to love you or anyone right now.

Cathy :

I do not think its wrong for you to miss her at all. I think it would be somewhat abnormal if you did not

Customer :

I completley agree with that. she cant really even love herself

Cathy :

but I also know that having someone to care for you is the issue right now

Cathy :

You are one smart guy

Cathy :

You just made my day

Customer :

the biggest problem i have is that I want to help her. I want her to be happy. I take lexapro for minor OCD. I am obsessive about things. When I fall for someone I am all in. and it never works out.

Cathy :

You have to got to set the bar higher and not worry so much about your ocd. This is not about your ocd its about choosing women who cannot commit

Cathy :

what makes you choose women who cant commit?

Customer :

i understand that. But how do I know.

Customer :

we were only together for 3 months

Customer :

I feel stupid and should be oer it or be feeling better but I cant shake it

Cathy :

you are nursing a fantasy that you can fix her. I have two advanced degrees and thirty years experience and I know I cannot fix her,

Cathy :

You have no reason to feel stupid

Cathy :

no reason

Cathy :

my goodness, you showed up at the airport with a bouquet

Cathy :

most women would kill for that kind of attention and care

Cathy :

You are very special you just do not know this yet and you are so worried about her that you have lost sight of you

Customer :

so how do i put the pieces together

Cathy :

in time it will fall together of its own accord but its best you do not continue to attempt to contact her because she will not respond and you will interpret that as rejection and somehow turn that into something you did wrong and you did nothing wrong.

Cathy :

I think if you can just remind yourself that you miss the high you felt when you were with her that will help a lot.

Cathy :

It will help you to understand that its not about her its about being in an intimate relationship that gives you pleasure and joy

Customer :

I havent been contacting her. The hardest thing for me to except is that she can just carry on. Then again I don know how she is feeling since I havent contacted her. I want her to contact me.

Customer :

THAT MAKES SENSE

Customer :

sorry for the caps!

Cathy :

She is not feeling the pain you are

Cathy :

I know this

Customer :

well since she ended it i agree

Cathy :

She is running and unlike you I do believe she met someone else. Call me cynical, call me unromantic, call me having done this for three decades. I think she is the kind of woman who needs attention and I think she found it elsewhere

Customer :

i just feel kind of used

Cathy :

Think of yourself as experienced

Customer :

really?

Cathy :

Yea

Customer :

alright well i will take your word for it

Cathy :

you know you were in it for real

Cathy :

and you were honest and lvoing

Cathy :

loving

Cathy :

and that is ultimately what counts

Cathy :

You were real and honest

Cathy :

those are among the hardest things any of us ever have to do and you have already done this

Customer :

thanks for the help.

Cathy :

Give yourself some time to heal and then get back out there

Cathy :

take good care of yourself

Cathy :

Good night, Cathy

Customer :

I disagree about her seeing someone else since I was the first she was with since she broke up with her boyfriend and I guess it really doesnt matter at this poinjt

Customer :

thanks

Cathy :

take good care. You know her better than I do. I am just speaking from expert experience and make no mistake, I do not mind being proven wrong on some stuff :)

Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience: Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
Cathy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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Cathy
Cathy
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Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice