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Kristin
Kristin, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 453
Experience:  Psychotherapist and Relationships Expert with 11+ years exp. Dating, Relationships, Marriage.
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My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. This summer,

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My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. This summer, he went on a world tour with his band, during which we were apart for the first time. We don't live together, but have spent a few days together each week for the past 2 years. Although I have been in long-distance relationships before, this ended up being a lot harder than I thought. He called me everyday, but I felt very distant from him. During these weeks apart, I began thinking about our future (we are both over 30) and what a life would be like with him traveling all of the time. I love the fact that he is a musician and don't mind that he travels a bit, but I've been having difficulty picturing a future with someone who is away as much as he may be, especially since we both want a family someday. When he finally came home from tour, I told him about my fears and how hard the distance was on me. Although I was not asking or expecting him to sacrifice his dreams of playing music in any way, I was hoping for some sort of reassurance that he felt strongly about me/us and wanted to make our relationship work. He, instead, admitted to me that he was unsure about our future as well, fearing that I may be too dependent and needy to be in this sort of relationship. He agreed that our relationship while he was away was difficult, as he sensed my sadness and felt pressured to have to comfort me all the time. I understand that he doesn't want me to be sad, but is it wrong for me to be hurt by the fact that he doesn't want to comfort me? He also admitted that his feelings seemed to have fade a bit during the time apart. Hearing him say this was extremely difficult, as I still feel so strongly about him. He really is a great person and I've always felt very lucky to have him, aside from the fact that I always questioned what he finally just admitted...that his feelings for me aren't as strong as mine for him. After talking and talking and not knowing what to do, he decided it may be best to take a few days apart to think. Although I am unsure if this is a good idea or not, I agreed to give him the space. He seems very confused and unsure himself, revealing that he's not ready to give up on us yet, but also feels it's wrong to keep going in this kind of relationship when he has doubts. He feels that he should be more certain about us than he is after being together for 2 years. I really don't want our relationship to be over, but I also fear being with someone who doesn't feel as strongly about me as I do him. I feel if there is any chance of making a real relationship work with his career as a touring musician, we need to have a very strong relationship...true? He will be leaving again for the road in a couple of weeks. I truly feel like he is the man I want to be with forever, but I fear that I am not strong enough to be in a relationship where I will be on my own for much of my life, with someone who is unsure about his feelings. Should I just wait around and give him the few days of space he needs to find out how he feels? Any other advice? Thank you!<br /><br />Update:  Since I posted this question yesterday, much has changed...my boyfriend called me a few hours after we said good-bye.  He was obviously very upset and said that he felt like he had said some things he didn't mean, explaining that he doesn't think his love or feelings necessary faded while he was away, but that his confidence in the relationship did after sensing my sadness and frustration about the long-distance.  He said that he felt awful and already really missed me and wanted to come over and see me leter that night.  When he came by, he brought flowers and said that he had been so scared of losing me all day.  He seemed very sincere; however, I am confused as to why or how his feelings changed so drastically in one day.  During our talk 2 nights ago, he said that his feelings had gone downhill during the time he was away and last night he seemed more passionate and in love with me than he had in a long time.  Do you think this is just out of fear of losing me or being alone?  Should I believe that his feelings are real or be worried about the fact that he originally said his feelings faded while he was away?  I know that he is being true to me; I am just worried that his feelings will begin to fade again once he is on the road again and we are unable to see each other. He said that he is also still worried about the fact that I may not want this relationship in the future.  It's true that I am terrified of the fact that he will be traveling so much in the future and unsure of how well i will deal with it, which I told him.  We both seem to really want to work on our relationship and feel confident that the distance doesn't have to be as difficult the next time around as long as we are more open with our feelings.  We both realized that our lack of commuicating our feelings was what put the biggest strain on our relationship (and the actual distance of course) and promised to be more open with each other from now on.  I still feel worried, however, about the difficulty of keeping a strong connection while he's away for weeks at a time. I obviously don't want his feelings about me or the relationship to fade again while we're apart. Although I know I want to be with him more than anything, I am still afraid that I may find it too difficult in the future, if he continues traveling when we get to the point of possibly starting a family. I know that no one can make this decision for me or for us, but if you have any advice on the situation as you know (including any advice about being in a relationship with someone who is on the road), it would be greatly appreciated! Thanks again!
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

Hi and thanks for your question.

 

I am curious how old the two of you are, and does he also want marriage someday and a family, meaning do the two of you share common goals that would help to keep the relationship going, even while he is away?

 

 

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hi. Thanks for getting back to me. He is 32 and I will be turning 32 as well next month. Yes, he definitely wants a marriage and family someday as well; however, I don't think either of us will feel ready to have children for at least a few years. I believe that he will be a great father...he is very close with his family and wonderful with both his young nieces. Playing music has always been his dream and he really hopes it is possible for him to have a family and play in a successful band as well. I really am happy for his success and truly want him to have his dreams...I just wish I knew how he will juggle world tours and a family and whether or not I will be strong enough to handle it all. Again, I know you cannot answer these questions for me, but any advice will be appreciated. Please let me know if you have any further questions. Thanks!
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

Hi again,

 

Yes I understand your concerns. Your concerns about the future and if he will be able in fact to juggle both being on tour and the demands of family life are just that, in the future. They are valid concerns but you wont' be able to know that now.

So, what you can do now is focus on what is concerning you now. It seems that him being on the road and away for long periods of time, is going to be an adjustment for both of you, understandably. How this works out will answer your questions about future concerns. So, no need to worry about both at this time. See how the next 6 months go with him, and see how you feel about the distance and time away, if it affects your feelings, or his. You can't know what you don't know. But, you can give yourself a time frame to test it out, and then make a decision later on. In the meantime, cut yourself some slack and say you don't need to figure it all out now. You will know when the time comes. In the meantime come up with ways to stay in contact with your bf while he is away - skype, texting etc. All the best. Please click ACCEPT so I will be credited for my answer. Thank you.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hi. Thanks very much for your response. I really appreciate the advice about not worrying too much about the future and focusing on our present issues. I was, however, also wondering what you thought about my other concerns regarding his issue of feeling pressured to comfort me and the fact that he told me his feelings faded while we were apart. Although he later apologized for saying so and showed a lot of emotion after our time apart yesterday, I still feel concerned about the issue and unsure of how to keep a strong connection while apart. Thanks again for all of your advice!
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

Hi,

 

Sorry for the later reply... I had to step away a bit this afternoon. I think that your concerns are valid however it could be that he is also feeling his own pressure about this transition and is maybe even looking to you to reassure him. Maybe he worries as well if your feelings will change while he is away. If either his change or yours change is ultimately to be seen. However, as I mentioned you two could make plans to do nightly calls, or skype web cam calls, texting. etc with technology today being long distance doesn't have to mean in way, being disconnected.

Reassure him that this is new to each of you, but that you are supportive of him, happy for him and are here for him. This kind of reassurance will likely be shown to you in response. He did apologize and expressed his affection. I would let it go...and not worry about it, and focus on staying connected. Please ACCEPT. Thanks!

Kristin, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 453
Experience: Psychotherapist and Relationships Expert with 11+ years exp. Dating, Relationships, Marriage.
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