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Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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Suzanne you said not to ask for his affection. That is all

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Suzanne you said not to ask for his affection. That is all I need to keep going in this relationship. I am the strong one and I help him with so much. Perhaps he has to reach out to women who are in need of emotional help. He does not seem to get it that I have loved him and cared for him and stayed with him all these years without getting married. Also the priest is the one who told us we had to be celibate if he wants communion and to be a E. minister. Again he did this before surgery I think save his soul. He was away from the church for 32 years, long before I meet him. I feel lost.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 4 years ago.

I can see why you are so heartbroken.

 

By advising to not ask for his affection, I didn't mean that you shouldn't want it. Typically in a relationship affection is given freely, without having to be asked for.

 

The priest may have put the celibacy requirement in place in this particular circumstance because in the eyes of the church he is still married to someone else.

 

He may have chosen the church over your relationship. It doesn't seem that he is treating you with the respect you deserve.

 

Could you have a talk with the priest by yourself? If he has forbidden your friend to continue your relationship, you need to know this. If he has, you need to decide if what you have now is enough, because as long as he is following the priest's requirements, you will have little hope of getting your relationship back. Saying "well, things have changed" is not fair if he gave you his word, and it is an indication that he appears to be choosing his church life over his life with you.

 

Your friend may be having his ego bolstered by having so many women in his life through the church. If you want to save this relationship, I suggest that you don't act upset and plead with him....that will just send him running back to the women who are stroking his ego.

 

Start having your own life again...find something you love to do on Monday nights. It sounds like he is taking you for granted...let him know he can't do that. And you need to have an active life for yourself so you will have support if this relationship doesn't survive.

 

He already knows that you have loved, cared for & stayed with him all these years, but if the priest tells him that your relationship will cause him to spend eternity in hell...he may be too frightened to take that chance. It is as if even after all these years, you've become, in his eyes, a liability to his fate after death.

 

I know you want his affection back, but you are fighting both an order from a priest and a lot of lonely women at the church, not to mention his desire to save his soul. If the priest has told him that being with you is a sin, you may not be able to overcome this, as long as he stays active in the church.

 

It is almost as if he is having an affair...the church has wooed him away from you by promising heaven if he doesn't "sin" anymore by having an out-of-wedlock relationship with you.

 

Please keep your friends and family close. I fear you are in for heartbreak if you try to make him choose between you and the church, and you will need their support.

 

I wish you all the best as you try to sort this out.

Suzanne

 

 

 

 

Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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