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Jennifer
Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience:  Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
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Ive been dating this guy since April. I have known him for

Customer Question

I've been dating this guy since April. I have known him for over 2 years and we hooked up about a year ago for about 6 months on and off when he was going thru a divorce but ended things as he was not ready. Neither was I. But there was always this connection. So in April we met up again and sparks flew. We have been together since however it is long distance as I'm in Georgia, he's in Philly. Also he is emotionally damaged from his previous marriage and not good with expressing his feelings and almost afraid of hurting people or of being happy....so sometimes distances himself when things happen or gets scared. Things have been great since we got back together. We were both ready and he even stated as much. We've had 2 weekend vacation trips and I've spent time at his place, him at mine. He has 2 kids which are important and sees every other weekend. We both travel extensively for work so often find ourselves in same cities for a few days. Needless to say, seeing each other is not as easy as it could be. Last weekend he was on vacation with his kids and I was with friends a their vacation home. We were texting back and forth. He had asked me "who's greg? a new one?" in a message as I had mentioned my friends husband. I answered, "Julie's husband". He said "Oh, sounded like a new one for you" . I was spun. I asked him what he meant by that message as I'm also divorced and my husband pretty much ignored me and couldn't care less if I was out with a man (never was). This scared the living daylights out of me as I interpreted as him not caring and that it was ok for me to date other people....or that it was a slam on me that I would so easily pick up a new guy? He in the past was quite a womanizer and used to say this to me back in the days. So I got mad. He said he was kidding and then when I tried to talk basically pulled away. Stating "oh you're talking to me again." Short story. I tried to talk to him a few times when he returned from vacation, and got voice mail or he was busy. When we did talk briefly he was distant and didn't want to talk about it. Our 10 times a day text and calls went to zero. I was going to be in NY for work (where he works) and so on the day of my arrival he called to say he was leaving the office early to head home (in PA) but would hopefully see me for a few hours. We ended up having sex but felt very distant. He called me craxypants. The real issue and his feelings of being scared by my reaction happened over text on his way home. I was floored. First that he chose go leave NY and go home early versus have dinner or spend time with me. I hadn't seen him for over 2 weeks. Also, he stated that he was looking forward to a weekend with "white space on his calendar" and no plans. I felt punched in the stomach as usually we would spend the weekend together cooking, talking, relaxing. So I feel like he is punishing me for over reacting. He even stated that he's had enough crazy in his life so the fact that I over-reacted shook him up (big). I don't know what to do or even try. We were supposed to go away over labor day and today he told me he might have his kids (which I don't think is true as we check his calendar when planning the trip). I'm spun. Surprised that he wants to take this route over such a little disagreement when we've been through to much. Should I give up?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 3 years ago.

Hello,

 

If he is emotionally distant, and his queues to you are such to make you think that he is not going to be remorseful or even explain his side of the situation, then it would be healthier for you not to seek him out.

You've mentioned that the connection feels different now.

 

What do you want to happen?

 

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I want to make it work. I want it all back the way it was....
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 3 years ago.
As long as you believe that he would be willing to give it a chance, and he feels what you feel, then talk to him. It does not seem like he had even told you what is causing his change/coldness. If he indicates otherwise, you may not want to get hurt further. This you have to talk to him about in person though not texting/phone.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
Expert:  Jennifer replied 3 years ago.
Hello and thanks for using Justanswer.com!

So I'm clear, he explained that he reacted the way he did because he thought you overreacted to his joke? As a side note: I agree with you that it was an inappropriate text, even if he was kidding.

Does he usually act this way when you have a disagreement?

Normally, I'd absolutely advocate for talking this through with him, explaining your feelings, asking how he feels, and making a plan for the future. However, based upon what you've told me I think that kind of approach will only make him more distant.

While I do think it warrants discussing, I wonder if it's worth it at this point. You know where's he coming from and I'd be concerned that any further discussion about the situation will only serve to push him back further. If you're really wanting to get back to where you were, you may try letting it go for a time -- long enough to at least feel closer to "normal" again. Then you could bring it up in a way that focuses on the future -- not bringing up an old incident. For instance, you might say that you've decided there should be a new rule -- No text jokes about dating other people since they obviously could get misinterpreted! He'll know what you're talking about, but it doesn't open up a heavy discussion.

To get past this for now, you could just tell him that you know he's had enough drama and that your reaction wasn't intended to add to that. Then simply say something like, "We have a great thing going here and I don't want to lose it. When can I see you again?"
Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience: Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
Jennifer and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

So he is scheduled to come to Atlanta on Tuesday for work and will be staying with me for two days.....yikes! I'm nervous.

 

We didn't talk all weekend but he called tonight. It was pleasant but he's sick and sounded tired. I don't plan on bringing the incident up but things feel weird. Suggestions?

Expert:  Jennifer replied 3 years ago.
If you're just looking to get back to what was "normal" for the two of you, I'd suggest being yourself -- with an extra dose of supportive, loving, fun, and humorous. Set up an enjoyable weekend for the two of you and remind him how enjoyable it is when the two of you are together. That alone will tell him you're letting it go (for now) and will hopefully be the quality time the two of you need to make you both want to be together again as soon as possible.
Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience: Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
Jennifer and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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