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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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I have been married for almost 8 years and we have three children

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I have been married for almost 8 years and we have three children and its has been a very rocky road. It seems that we have hit every married stresser in the time we have been married. At one point (about 4 years ago) I filed for divorce but with the help of a marriage counselor and an individual therapist we made it through. It was around that time that he was diagnosed with ADD. Things are still rocky with us but he really tries and I can tell he is trying but it just doesn't seem good enough. From what I have read online and from talking to family members who have in depth knowledge on the subject it seems that many of the things that drive me crazy and that cause problems in our marriage seem to be related to ADD (although some of it is probably how he was raised). So, my question is how can I be in a successful relationship with someone with ADD. I do not have ADD and sometimes I get very frustrated because he doesn't "keep up" with me and I feel like I am resentful toward him because I view him as another person I have to take care of instead of a partner. I want our marriage to get better and I want to treat him as a partner and a friend. I just don't know where to start!
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 6 years ago.

Good Afternoon,


Is he receiving any medication for his ADD/has he himself contacted a therapist to work with solo for his issue ?

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Yes, he is.
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 6 years ago.

His behavior may be his base line (the level of functioning that is the norm for him) If that is the case, he may not make a whole lot of improvement/changes not because he does not want to but because what you see him doing now is the most he can actually do.


You've shared that you're feeling as though you're taking care of him, which does not show like a partnership where he is contributing 50% but more of a situation you're trapped in.


There is no easy answer as to how to manage your feelings because that would depend on what you want to do (and what you believe would be realistic to expect from him)


You have already invested time and energy into the relationship and there are also the children to think about.


If his medication does not seem to be effective, he could explore other options. There is also the issue of whether what you observe is all as a result of his ADD or like you said a habit of his.


You can decide to give it another chance if you believe that he is capable of improving to the point of where you would be comfortable with his behaviors, accept that this is his base line or leave. Whatever you decide would involve flexibility and compromise in your decision.


If you do not feel in love with him and can not rely on him, then that is another issue. There are times you would have to ask yourself if you are bothered by his behaviors or you're more upset because he is not living up to some image you though he would.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I guess I am not sure what behaviors are add and what are his personality. I need a place to start in order to determine what is his personality and what is add related and money is tight right now so regular marital therapy to determine the issues is not an option right now. I see where I tell him what I need and he says he will do it and that things will change and he may do it for a few days or a week but then its like he just loses focus or something. We have the same conversations over and over. I am a solution person and I am just trying to figure out how to determine if this can work or if I just need to move on. So, I guess what I am asking is where do I start to figure this out. Is there a book or something I can refer to?
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 6 years ago.

Yes (you could go with him to his doctor's next time if he is ok and signs a release of info to talk to him and you can get some info on the symptoms) This is where you may want to start out.


If you have EAP benefits, you can use some free counseling sessions through that option.


There are also online and on site support groups (you may want to connect with other spouses in similar situations and exchange info)


Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder [Paperback]

Gina Pera Gina Pera (Author) about Author Central (Author), Russell Barkley Ph.D (Foreword)

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Customer: replied 6 years ago.

What are EAP benefits?

Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 6 years ago.
Employee Assistance Program (you may inquire from your Human Resources Dept) and they can advise if they cover that. Generally if they do, you may get free counseling b/w 1-8 sessions (with a licensed therapist and it is not at your work setting.)

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