How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dr. Keane Your Own Question

Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1699
Experience:  PHD LPC
14832673
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Dr. Keane is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Dear Dr Keane, I took your advice and tried to arrange more

Resolved Question:

Dear Dr Keane,

I took your advice and tried to arrange more time with the sister-in-law, who is the planner. When I visited the States with my daughter last Easter, this sister-in-law very kindly arranged to get us tickets to the White House. My daughter had agreed to go on this trip, but then changed her mind when my sister and my mother told her that she didn't have to go. As she is now 15, I could not physically make her go, and I am angry with her behaviour as she broke her word to me

I told my family how I felt and they once again did not seem to understand my side. I am supposed to see my mother this Christmas and have mixed feelings about it. She is elderly and this may be one of the last times that I get to see her. I've gotten to the point where I feel that I must spell out my terms to them before I even purchase an airline ticket. Moreover, I simply do not want to see the sister-in-law who surprises me
with her plans. As we are incompatible on so many levels, would it be so wrong of me to suggest to her that we simply visit my mother at different times?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi, I am sorry to you are experiencing more angst in regards XXXXX XXXXX sister in law. It sounds as though she is always going to do what she does and have no concern for your feelings, even after you spoke to her about it. If you accept that this is who she is and isn't going to change you can insist (might cause an argument) that she not over rule your decisions concerning your daughter and you can inform your daughter that you expect her to participate in things you plan while you are on holiday. Then, hope for the best, XXXXX XXXXX can postpone the trip until you are sure to just see you mother.
If you don't want the confrontation postpone or rearrange the trip.
Please click accept and leave feedback.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

The problem is my sister-in-law has a daughter the same age as mine and she insists on coming up when I do, so that they can visit with one another and you know what happens then.

 

As she lives in the States and can see my family more often on other major holidays, is it so awful of me to ask to have Christmas without them. My daughter will practically be grown in two years' time and can then see them on her own if she likes. In the meantime, I wouldn't mind having something my way for once.

 

My mother is elderly and Christmas is important to her as well as to my daughter, so even though it is not my favorite holiday, I am very hesitant to postpone it.

Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi, That is a difficult request and could cause a lot of problems and stress that you don't need. I would suggest you talk to your sister in law and tell her you are hesitant about coming for Christmas because you would like your daughter to participate in activities with you and with other family members. Tell her that you would like to be in on what the plans will be and to have a say. I would tell her the girls don't have to do everything with you but you feel you have been so over ruled on previous visits that are hesitant to come and have to comply with everyone else's wishes. At 15 you have to also understand they do not want to have anything to do with adults! That is normal. If you feel you get dismissed after this conversation. I don't know why they behave this way but this may be one you won't win. I wouldn't postpone the trip, I would let it unfold with no expectations. Difficult? Yes, however, is it worth all the angst? Teens can disappoint and so can family. Think about visiting your mother and enjoying your time with her. Let the other "stuff" go. Your daughter is old enough to choose to stay with her cousins, and truthfully, as she gets older and past these years you will find she will want to travel with you and enjoy doing things with you (especially if you are paying). You can insist and get it in writing from your daughter that she will do certain things (fill in the blank) while with you in the states and let the rest go. Focus on having a good visit and great Christmas. I wish I had a better solution and I do hear what you are saying but it's difficult when you have your sister in law being the "planner" and likes to be in control. Remember this is about seeing your mother and that should be your focus.
Please click accept and leave feedback.

Edited by Dr. Keane on 8/7/2010 at 1:49 PM EST
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

You have not directly answered my question. My feelings have been dismissed by my sister-in-law and my other family members so many times over the years that I do not want to negotiate with them further.

 

My sister-in-law has a different budget, a different set of interests, and no respect for anyone else's time. If she is two hours late for an appointment she considers herself early! We are incompatible on all levels.

 

Unlike me, she is able to celebrate the other major holidays with my mother, and I would like to ask her not to come up for Christmas. Do you think this is an unreasonable request?

Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi, sorry you did not get the inference from my last response that it isn't unreasonable but it may cause even more problems. So, a yes or no answer would be yes, in light of the situation and the reason you are coming to the states. I understand your frustration, your concerns and your inability to appeal to her logically. You ask, and you may find yourself in a worse situation, you both need to think about your mother, if she is that self centered and controlling she won't. If you don't want to negotiate or take the high road, as well as do what is "the right thing" and best for your mother, then you should ask her not to come. Be ready for the consequences.
Please click accept and leave feedback.
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1699
Experience: PHD LPC
Dr. Keane and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency