Thanks for writing to Just Answer.
I don't think you're over-reacting. I think your husband is being unnreasonable by expecting you to accept his "emotional mistress" into your life by keeping her in his.
Emotional cheating can actually be more painful than a physical affair. Many marriages settle into less physical contact, but survive because of the emtional connection. In an emotional affair there are several detrimental effects to the marriage:
1. You no longer have any confidence in your marital privacy. If you confide in your husband, you have no guarantee that this isn't then discussed with the other woman.
2. Your husband is no longer participating fully in your marriage, as he is getting his emotional fulfillment elsewhere.
3. The priorities of the marriage no longer come first. You mention that you're in financial trouble with the business, but he is taking time and money out of the relationship and investing it in her by fixing her house, and giving her a truck which could be sold to help your situation.
I only see three choices:
A.. Learn to live with all of the above, and the reaction you get from just hearing her name in order to save what's left of your marriage. He is not showing you much respect by putting you in this situation.
B. Set your boundaries and stick to them. If he wants you back, then he has to fully choose you. He broke the marriage agreement, and he has to take the consequences of his actions. It may be time to consult an attorney to at least know what you have to do to protect yourself if the relationship ends.
C. If you want to save the relationship .... take a good hard look at the quality of your marriage and see if there is a distance that has grown between the two of you because of the business and financial strain. Have the two of you turned into business partners rather than lovers and friends? Arrange to go away for a day for a picnic or some other activity that you both enjoy, and that lends itself to talking to each other. Talk to each other. Really, really listen to him...the way you did when you first met. You know this man better than anyone...you can beat this woman at her own game, and improve your marriage in the process. I bet you're emotionally lonely too ...let him know that he is needed and appreciated.
I have a feeling that while reading the last one, you may react with "why should I be nice to him after what he's done?" And the answer is...would you rather be right or happy?
Men tie up a lot of their self-esteem and ego in success in business. If the business is failing, he could be feeling that he is also failing you.
I hope this has given you food for thought. Please click ACCEPT if it has.