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Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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I am 61 years old and my relationship of 24 years is on the

Customer Question

I am 61 years old and my relationship of 24 years is on the rocks because he is having an emotional affair with a 45 year old woman. After two months of him and her, he wants a reconcillation but wants her still as a plutonic friend. This can't be good because we have a piece of property and a business in trouble and I want out of this stupid arrangement as he still wants her in his life. I have explained to him how I feel about his continuing to see her and talking to her every day. He takes care of her house and she has his truck still. Now she called me today to go to the lake with her. She is calling me wanting me to be friends?! What is up with this? I don't want her as a friend. She tried to take this emotional affair to the next level with him (got drunk, took her clothes off and threw herself at him. He said he told her he wasn't "going there" and told her to put her clothes back on. Well, am I really over reacting by saying back off with her if you think anything of may be salvaged of this relationship? this relationship
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 6 years ago.

Thanks for writing to Just Answer.

 

I don't think you're over-reacting. I think your husband is being unnreasonable by expecting you to accept his "emotional mistress" into your life by keeping her in his.

 

Emotional cheating can actually be more painful than a physical affair. Many marriages settle into less physical contact, but survive because of the emtional connection. In an emotional affair there are several detrimental effects to the marriage:

 

1. You no longer have any confidence in your marital privacy. If you confide in your husband, you have no guarantee that this isn't then discussed with the other woman.

 

2. Your husband is no longer participating fully in your marriage, as he is getting his emotional fulfillment elsewhere.

 

3. The priorities of the marriage no longer come first. You mention that you're in financial trouble with the business, but he is taking time and money out of the relationship and investing it in her by fixing her house, and giving her a truck which could be sold to help your situation.

 

I only see three choices:

A.. Learn to live with all of the above, and the reaction you get from just hearing her name in order to save what's left of your marriage. He is not showing you much respect by putting you in this situation.

 

B. Set your boundaries and stick to them. If he wants you back, then he has to fully choose you. He broke the marriage agreement, and he has to take the consequences of his actions. It may be time to consult an attorney to at least know what you have to do to protect yourself if the relationship ends.

 

C. If you want to save the relationship .... take a good hard look at the quality of your marriage and see if there is a distance that has grown between the two of you because of the business and financial strain. Have the two of you turned into business partners rather than lovers and friends? Arrange to go away for a day for a picnic or some other activity that you both enjoy, and that lends itself to talking to each other. Talk to each other. Really, really listen to him...the way you did when you first met. You know this man better than anyone...you can beat this woman at her own game, and improve your marriage in the process. I bet you're emotionally lonely too ...let him know that he is needed and appreciated.

 

I have a feeling that while reading the last one, you may react with "why should I be nice to him after what he's done?" And the answer is...would you rather be right or happy?

 

Men tie up a lot of their self-esteem and ego in success in business. If the business is failing, he could be feeling that he is also failing you.

 

I hope this has given you food for thought. Please click ACCEPT if it has.

Suzanne

 

 

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