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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
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My daughter is 21 has a charge for 3rd degree shopping and

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My daughter is 21 has a charge for 3rd degree shopping and poss r/x drugs, ot a defferred judgement on that, was to expire 1/11. got picked up for owi in june, I helped her get an attorney. took her to the dot to appeal the 10 day surrender, He Probation officer filed for a hearing for revocation of probation, she has a hearing in mid august for that, contacted an attorney in the county of the charge had a phone interview set up, he told her it was highly likely she would lose her deferred but he would try to continue it until after the owi outcome, she got snippy with him said we didn't need him and she would do jail time and have it over. Now today the attorney handling the owi charge wants to meet with us, Up until today he was putting together a good defense for us. He had recommended the attorney for the probation hearing, So i have to believe they been in contact and he reported to the owi attorney how she was, Reason being when he called me and asked to set up an appointment i made the comment she is being very difficult right now, he replies I know. She was nto brought up this way and never behaved this way at home. I can understand the attorney not wishing to waste his time trying to fight a case for someone with her attitude, We paid this owi attorney 4000. he claimed he goes the distance and gets all evidence etc and beats alot of them, another attorney said he could do it for 1000.00 before we hired this one, Anyhow as parents we are at a total loss how to handle this, She texted her mother that she doesn't need our help and will handle it on her own, We do not want her destroying her future any more than she already has, But I am afraid now it is to late, We are in Iowa, we are at wits end , any idea how to handle this and get her to understand she needs to cooperate with us her parents the attorney and what the court is asking without making a bad situation worse.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi, I am sorry your daughter finds herself in this predicament. I don't think you are going to like this answer. At 21 your daughter is legally an adult, no matter how much you want to pay to help her fight this battle she needs to agree and accept to work with you on this. Otherwise you are wasting your hard earned money. I would suggest that you tell her you are willing to help but will back out and let her figure it out and pay for her defense if she wishes, but she need to cooperate. Yes, that means she could possibly do jail time and if her attitude hasn't changed it could be a wake up call for her. If she said she doesn't need your help and can handle it on her own, let her. I know as her parents it's difficult and heart wrenching to sit back and watch however, if you insist on trying to make her cooperate she may become more insistent on handling this herself. Give her some "space", don't tell her she is making a mistake not taking your advice. Tell her you love her and that when you are there to help if she changes her mind, as long as she is cooperative. If she was shop lifting and had drugs on her, she may have another problem that needs to be addressed. If it makes you feel any better, by not "enabling her" financially, you may be helping her more than you realize and it may be the "wake up" call she needs to get her life together. Tough love. I hope this helps.
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Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
This is pretty much what i have done, I haven't talked to her since she told the attorney advised to handle her probation hearing, But thenthe next day the owi attorney calls me and asks to meet with us , and i asked him what we were looking at and he pretty much reveresed his direction on her case 180 degrees a week earliar we had a good defense , yesterday he says it isn't a solid case for the state but there is enough to probably convict, I stated to him i will talk to her and try to set up and appointment, but she is being difficult to deal with right now, He replied he knows, So i was then in belief he had talked to the probation attorney he had advised us to hire, And felt why fight for a person who doesn't want to cooperate. Which I can understand, but it just really hurt me to think she destroyed everything i had worked so hard n fought for her to turn her life around etc, and that she totally undermined it and screwed it up by being belligerent and ignorant. I know we cannot make her do anything, But when we are with her she is cooperative and we get results but she lives 150 miles from home and cannot babysit her through this, I myself wanted her to stay living back at home until her probation was over and go to school locally so we could supervise her, Her mother didn't think that was necessary and agreed to pay her tutuition and rent. It is water over the dam but 10,000 dollars later no academic gain and her life is in much worse shape then before, and we have ni idea what to do with her, We re going down to visit her this weekend and my wife and I both are meeting with the owi attorney on monday , and hopefully between now and that meeting we can talk some sense into our daughter and hopefully if that works we can ask the attorney to work to move past this set back, I know there are no guarantees, but honestly the state does hinder things sometimes, Her probation officer would not let us be involved in any of her supoervision even if kayla consented to it in polk county, Johnson county had allowed us, And this is where it started to fall apart, We have a huge investment in our children and they do make mistakes, and some take longer than others to mature. Some children need guidance some do well on their own, but after the shoplifting and possesion of r/x I knew this child needed guidance, and moving to a whole new surroundings and trying to make new friends at the age of 21 was going to tax her to make bad decisions. Now I believe the stress of the owi and hearing for probation revocation may of caused her to use the vicodin again and we have the same behavior pattern, addictions are a tough thing to handle, but I feel if i would of been allowed to assist in her supervision and be made aware of how she was doing , most of this culd of been avoided and she would of matured and had a normal life, now she will have a criminal record and her life will be tough, there is no criminal history on either side of her family for many generations, It is heart breaking as a parent
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.

Hi, I understand you frustration and heatbreak. I wish there were a better solution, especially if you were willing to take part in the process of recovery and took responsibility for her. I would suggest that you and your wife seek counseling to help you get through this time if you feel it is overwhelming. Once this is resolved, not matter what the outcome is she is young enough and can start over, and with your guidance (not enabling) she can still live a productive life. Like I said before, hard lesson to learn. You sound like really caring parents and I wish you good luck.

 

Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1714
Experience: PHD LPC
Dr. Keane and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Crazy world, and tough week, Last evening the neighbor kid a year younger than my daughter was riding his atv and it broke down by my home inthe country, I pulled him home withmy pickup, he was really appreciative as he said he was going to push it home, Tonight I found out he got killed in a car accident lat night two miles up the road from me shortly after i took him home, I know I was trying to be a god person and help him by taking him home, and accidents are called accidents for a reason, But yet I think had i let him push his atv home it is highly likely he would be alive today, I am not blaming myself for his untimely death, just that the timing and my assistance again was destroyed, Not feeling sorry for myself just got a mixed bag of emotions about it all, One one hand i tell myself things could be worse, if that would of been my daughter who got killed then all hope is comepletly gone, Oh and this afternoon she called me and asked me to come get her out of the hell hole she was in, I had to ask her what she wanted and where, she said she didn't care, but I did state I will bring you home, but you have to be civil. so far so good but things are tense, so i am just waiting for her to open up when she is ready to. thanks for everything and I will lead you positive feedback, It means alot for someone to just listen to us and understand, even though there is nothing any of us can do but wait and retain our hopes.
Thank you kindly
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Crazy world, and tough week, Last evening the neighbor kid a year younger than my daughter was riding his atv and it broke down by my home inthe country, I pulled him home withmy pickup, he was really appreciative as he said he was going to push it home, Tonight I found out he got killed in a car accident lat night two miles up the road from me shortly after i took him home, I know I was trying to be a god person and help him by taking him home, and accidents are called accidents for a reason, But yet I think had i let him push his atv home it is highly likely he would be alive today, I am not blaming myself for his untimely death, just that the timing and my assistance again was destroyed, Not feeling sorry for myself just got a mixed bag of emotions about it all, One one hand i tell myself things could be worse, if that would of been my daughter who got killed then all hope is comepletly gone, Oh and this afternoon she called me and asked me to come get her out of the hell hole she was in, I had to ask her what she wanted and where, she said she didn't care, but I did state I will bring you home, but you have to be civil. so far so good but things are tense, so i am just waiting for her to open up when she is ready to. thanks for everything and I will lead you positive feedback, It means alot for someone to just listen to us and understand, even though there is nothing any of us can do but wait and retain our hopes.
Thank you kindly


Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi, it has been a tough week. But you know that the accident was just that, as unfortunate as it was for that young man. I hope that your daughter is ready to accept your help. One thing I would make sure you try is not use the word "I think, or start a statement with "you need to..." fill in the blanks. She will immediately get defensive so choose your words carefully. Write out what is expected of her, set boundaries and explicit rules. It's her choice to either follow them . I know you are hopeful for a positive outcome and I wish you the best of luck. She is lucky to have you as her parents and one day she will "get it".
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Well we st her down today, and asked alot of questiosn as to what was going on, She had a job was going to school, we were paying the tuition and rent, car insurance, We had her car paid for and she was broke and in the hole, It to,ok a long time and being caught in a some of her own lies we remained calm and kept repeating we are here to help you, the past is the past let's get to the bottom of the issues so we can develop a plan to move forward, Turns out she was using r/x drugs again since the owi arrest, had not went to any of her substance abuse classes etc, which were to be completed by august 23rd. I called her local drs office and insisted she needed to be seen today i outlined some of what she had told us, she was taking trazadone now, versus vicodin last fall, and who knows when this started again or if it ever ended before, We told her we loved her and would support her, that addiction is an illness , just like cancer heart disease etc, and we would help her but she really needs to accept help before we an acutally help her, So off to the dr we go shortly, I am sure we have a long haul ahead of us that will be full of ups n downs, you do nothave to replay, This is my way of venting. Thank you
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi, I know you said you didn't need a reply however you do need to know that you did exactly the right thing, said the right things and she should be honored to have you as parents. People make mistakes but it sounds like you gave her a very good upbringing and that is key. She was able to come back to you for help and you'll all get through it. Good luck.
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1714
Experience: PHD LPC
Dr. Keane and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Hi

She is mving back home and we are looking at some sort of rehab, She really doesn't want to do in patient, I wouldhave the time or the next 60ays to help with outpatient, would even go along with her if necessary , but octobver november, I woldn't be able to, then I wold have time to assist again ntil april in the out patient, she did agree to moving back home and staying here, Until probation was over, So I am praying with rehab etc we can keep her probation or have it extended rather than loose it and dirty her record.I had only talked to her probation officer one time, and she was a real snot to me then and i was not being rude or nasty with her at all, But to sum it up she told me she could not talk to me ab out kayla and never to bother her again, She is 23 yrs old, she may have the training for a probation officer but not the experience, I did report her to the probation officer who originally was handling her case in the county the crime was commited , he felt bad she did that to me but stated every countyand officer uses fiferent principles, I said well all she did was help creat more problems and cost the state more money and add to their workload with her narrow minded attitude, he wouldn't reply, which i do understand he couldn't, But saying nothing told me he knew, He ofered me some excellent advice on how to keep her deferred sentence, which he did not have to do and I thanked him for that, I am so upset with the system, all they want is convictions, then complaim crime is up, A kid's life from 15 until approximatley age 22 is some tough years , they do things out of peer pressure and just randomly, they are mistakes that they will ask themselves later in life why did they do it, We don't kow why at that age, When i was a kid you were givena break if you screwed upand told you do it again you will get two tickets, we appreciated the chance and didn't make the same mistake twice, NOW THELAS COERCES THESE KIDS INTO CONFESSIONS BY LIEING TO THEM TO GET THEM TO SAY WHAT IT TAKES TO GET A CONVICTION,
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi, If you are able to get her to go to day treatment and she is serious about it rather than just doing it because of her fear of possible conviction great. If you have 60 days to be with her that is good too as long as you don't "hover" and "instruct", she has to do the work and gain the trust back. Sorry about your experience with her probation officer, there are people who do their job only because they have to and they are not vested in helping, it's a shame but in her defense they are given way too heavy a work load to do a good job (my opinion only, no facts to back it up, just what I have experienced in my area). So hang in there, take a deep breath and keep praying. It's a tough world for kids to navigate through today and they do make some stupid mistakes, they learn and move on. Hopefully this will scare her enough to get better and get back to school! Thanks for the bonus, not necessary but appreciated. Try and enjoy your weekend.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I just have to add and update, Her mother herself and I went to visit the Probaton officer, to tell her we were moving her home. Our daughter tried to tell us she would not see us, And I was assuming this was possible as last time it was just me and she said no, But my wife and i were both there and I said to her firmly we want to talk to you. She agreed got out a consent form for my daughter to sign, I stated to her, that we wanted to move her home to assist her in organizing her life. She agreed to it but said she would still be under her supervision until the outcome of the probation violation hearing. I then said to her she is 21 and we want to keep her deferred judgement to help her in her future, I then asked if she takes the classes and has them completed within the next 60 days finds employment here, and has no brushes with the law. would it be possible to keep her deferred judgement. The Probationofficer said that is up to the judge, I had a huge file I pulled out the notice for probation revocation and I stated this notices says you request probation revocation for not completing substance abuse classes, And you also ask for 2 weeks in jail for contempt of court. She pauses then states if she has these classes done , she would lift her request for the contempt and the judge would rule on whether to revoke her probationor not, I stated from 15 to 22 is a tough time in a young persons life, lets not ruin their entire life because of a simple mistake made when they were young and naive, I again said we wish to help her through this probation etc and get her moving in the correct directionof her future. Your cooperation and assistance would be deeply appreciated. so it is jst sit n wait it out and make sure she has her classes completed before the hearing, her fist probation hearing is in a week but we stated we wished to have that continued until after the owi outcome
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
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