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Jennifer
Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience:  Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
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I wrote you before about hanging onto my relationship and i

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I wrote you before about hanging onto my relationship and i showed him your answer and it opened a can of worms but i think that it is for the better. He told me the reason that he was pulling away was because he had cheated on me two years ago and it was eating him up inside. It wasn't full blown sex it was kissing and flirting with an ex and also said he kissed her 1 1/2 months ago. We agreed that we wanted to work through this. I set some rules for him if we were to continue. 1st there was to be absolutely no contact with her ever or we were through. I also told him that after being together for 8 yrs that i wasn't willing to wait much longer to be married because i couldn't continue on like this. I gave him a max of 3 yrs. He came to me and said that he would like to get married next august (2011). I was estatic because he seems trulely sorry and remorseful. I feel that he honestly wants to make this work. Am i rushing? I just found this out 2 weeks ago. He asked to set the date a week ago.... so i know that he put some thought into what he really wants but i am having jealously issues hardcore now..... am i being unfair to him by accepting the august date?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
Great to hear from you again. You've got some time here -- a full year to work on whatever jealousy issues need to be resolved. My only suggestion would be to hold off on wedding planning until you feel more secure. You could even decide not to set a date quite yet or just set it tentatively. Once the wedding planning process gets started, it tends to be a whirlwind that can overshadow the relationship itself. Sometimes having that event to look forward to and the prospect of getting married can make you think everything is wonderful. Make sure you're in a relationship in which you trust each other completely before you tie the knot because once the party is over, those issues will still be there if they weren't previously addressed.

Good for you for setting some ground rules for what you need in order to build trust once again. The only other thing I'm wondering is how he came into contact with her 1 1/2 months ago... Did he initiate that? Or did she? If he was the one to do that, was there something he felt was missing in your relationship? Or if she came to him, how did it progress to a physical level? There was likely a moment in which he knew it was a bad idea given his relationship with you... Why didn't that stop him? These, of course, are questions for him to explore so that perhaps the two of you can work together to mend whatever issues may have caused this problem.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
We almost decided to take a break 2 years ago because he was confused on what he wanted and that is when the first incident happened. Then the one that happened 1 1/2 ago he stopped to ask for directions to a lake he wanted to take his sister to and that is when she pulled him in and kissed him. His sister has already assured me that he pushed her back because he told Brandee (his sister) he didn't want that. When we first started dating he was 18 and i was 17. Our first daughter was a suprise and so was our second. So we grew up together really fast and then we had to learn to grow apart a little bit and be ourselves and not just a couple. That was also about the same time the first incident happened. He says he is sure that this is what he wants and he doesn't want to loose me or our family as it is now. I really do believe him. After this long i can tell when he is lying and had i really wanted to face the signs 2yrs ago I would have confronted him then but i was trying too hard to make him happy and not stepping back to look at the whole picture. One thing we have insisted on after this is working on our communication skills..... mostly listening without inturrupting and let the other get out what they need to say. Also no more screaming if we feel we can't talk without yelling we walk away for awhile and take a breather and then come back to it. I think it now is mostly my insecurities......... now i have this nagging little voice telling me to question everything, when in my heart i know i don't need to. He has been great after all of this he has opened any accounts i want to see to make sure there is no contact.... he installed a keylogger on the computer so if i want to check what's going on when i am not home i can(only i have the password), even when he goes out takes the cell phone and calls me every half hour to check in. I know that this can't continue forever and may even be feeding my fears..... but how do i let that little voice go other than time?
Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
I'm glad to hear he reacted the way you did. I do think it will simply take time for you to learn to trust him again based upon his consistent behavior and your own instincts. It's fine to start with some pretty strict rules, but try to wean away from them over time and see how you're feeling. For instance, knowing the keylogger is there is wonderful, but you might try NOT checking for a week or so to see how you're feeling. If it's too much, try again in a month. Same with the 1/2 hr check-ins... When you're feeling more comfortable, tell him to spread those out a little more to see how it feels. It's normal for you to be questioning everything -- particularly when you're talking about engagement! I do think it would be wise for you to spend some time rebuilding trust before you commit to a date and start making any plans. It will help to alleviate any extra stress / anxiety if you're simply not ready. Once you're feeling back on stable ground for a while, start planning!
Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience: Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
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