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Jennifer
Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience:  Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
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ask jennifer. We argue over everything but lately its been

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ask jennifer. We argue over everything but lately its been because there is no consistency. So now for her birthday she is leaving wed am and comming back thursday. Great. She feels torn between her mother and me. So her family will win. I can't deal with her family's influence. We have stuff we need to iron out wo them butting in. This is why I am upset. First she said that she would go home wed and come back wed night. Then her mom called and she got into a fight with her. So she was supposed to leave tonight but she does not want to. So i will not see her for her birthday. So how am i supposed to deal with this. I just feel its always 2 steps back. Any ideas. thanks
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jennifer replied 6 years ago.
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Jennifer :

How did she respond when you told her how you feel about this (assuming you did)?? I understand she feels torn, particularly after a fight (mothers have mastered the art of the guilt trip). However, in the end she has the final say on how she's going to spend her birthday. Did she really want to go home? If not, I'd suggest you talk with her about establishing some boundaries. Especially if she's hinting (along with her mother) that the two of you should be getting engaged, this is something you'll want to have ironed out before you get to that stage. Being in a serious relationship means both individuals respect feelings and decisions (even when they're not completely understood). Are you both doing this in this situation? Talk about how this makes you both feel and what you both want. See if there's a compromise that might make her feel at ease with her family without taking away the opportunity to spend a special occasion with you.

Customer:

Hi Jennifer. Heres the deal. Lisa did not come back till about 1230 am on her bday when she told me 10 pm. She is not courteous. So its like this. I work a lot and she feels trapped in my appt. So when a family function comes along she is out the door till whenever because I am working. I can't help the fact that I am busy. It just seems like its hey Will what doo u care what I do if your working. I am not working till 11 pm. So, I spoke with Allison and she said Will I thought you didnt like a girl who does what Lisa does. Comes and goes as she pleases. Thats how I feel. I am not sure how i should take what she does. I still think by her not living near me causes problems. I just think that she cares a lot about me butr when it comes to family ie her bday or grandmas bday its either I go or see ya. Is there a way I should be looking at this logically?

Jennifer :

If this is a pattern you're seeing, I certainly think it's something you should take into consideration when you're thinking about whether this relationship has long-term potential. Particularly if you've expressed your feelings about this and she continues to behave this way. Be somewhat flexible if this has only happened once or twice -- It's easy to lose track of time or feel obligated to stay longer than you intended. I'd ask that she call you when that happens and agree that she'll make sure it doesn't happen next time.

Jennifer :

Do you have plans for living near one another soon? I can imagine that may be contributing to this problem... I also wonder if Lisa knows speaking with Allison about this (I imagine not). Be careful -- You may lose the opportunity to make any decision about this if she learns you're having such intimate conversations with your ex. Make sure you're thinking about this on your own and without the added input of anyone who may sway your decision one way or the other (e.g., Allison, friends, etc.) While you may value their opinion, it's ultimately you lives with the decisions. I'm guessing it's unlikely that Lisa will give you a 3rd shot at this if you regret your decision down the road!

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