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Jennifer
Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience:  Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
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Ok, so Ill try to make this easy to understand. Looking for

Customer Question

Ok, so Ill try to make this easy to understand. Looking for a womans point of view on this one (but both sides are greatly appreciated) So I started dating a woman I work with a little over 2 years ago. We saw each other for about 8 months, then she moved away to travel for a bit for several months, then came back to where we work now. When she came back I was seeign someone then i ended that relationship to date her again. The second time we dated was only for about 3 months. Then after that she started dating someone. I let that take its course, but periodically while she was with someone else I told her I wish we were still together....needless to say "timing" seem to be horrible for us. In her favor, she did put more effort in to making us work the first time around. She and I both came out of a 2 year relationship when we first started seeing each other. I wouldnt say it was a rebound because we both dated other people prior to us dating the first time. We had gone together to a mutual friends wedding and thats how things started developing for us. In the begiining I had very strong feelings for her, but somethign was still holding me back from my past relationship, or perhaps I just wasnt ready to get my heart broken again. When she moved away to boston, she had explained to me she would have stayed if I asked her to. Which to me I dont think she would have, just perhaps wanted to be asked. So she came home, we dated again, it was short lived...all the while we have still managed to be friends after both breakup, and maintain a work relationship. so through the course of makeups and breakups, and leaving and everything else, i feel im stuck with the same but different situation all over again. About 2 months agao she had told me she wants to go to NY for a few months to just live and figure some things out and possibly find a career their? But more then likely wants to come back to where we live. I had decided I can't fight how I have been feelign for her after the off/on past 2 plus years relatuionship we have. So id ecided to write her a love letter. yes, a hand written love letter. I stated everything from how we met, to things that remind of her, how I feel about her in detail, and to where id like to see it go if we had that chance. As of last Saturday night 7/10/10 I asked to talk with her after work, she agreed and then I gave her the letter. The following day she replied through a text message "thank you for the letter, its very lovely, still processing it all, we'll talk tomorrow". So the day to talk came and she had said she liked the letter but she is leaving for nY still. I asked her if she still has feelings for me and she said yes, but she still needs to leave and still sort things out. I ended up doing most of the talking only because shes kind of the type that is a woman of few words in an that type of situation. i more or less explained to her that i wdidnt wnat her to leave, but understand she had to, how i feel about her and why, and basically that i am falling in love with her. She said she loves how i compliment her and the letter was very nice, and its one of the nicest things anyone has done for her and so on. And she even said the timing is just bad. I asked her to think about all i had written and said and to get back to me. I also aksed her not to to just say something nice or feel she had to just because i said all i did. We have worked with each other since and its hard because in some ways Im waiting for an answer im not sure shes ready to give, due to the fact shes leaving in a few weeks. I guess what Im asking is knowing that I put my feelings out there to her in a letter nad verbally what should I expect?? The night we talked she said that if she wasn't leaving we could go on dates and that she DOES still have feelings for me, but shes leaving for now, so shes not sure what to tell me, she said she didnt want to say too much for now. She explained to me that she didnt realize i was that serious about her and sees it now, but then just went onj to explain the timing is just bad. In my thoughts i feel like I gave her this letter and all this stuff is out there and im trying to figure out if shes even given it a second thought after that ? or will it maybe take her being in NY to start thinking about all that i have said to her?! I don't intend on doing anymore then i have because the last thing i want to do is keep telling her what she knows now and dont wnat to be too pushy and demand an answer. I guess im just wondering on the probability that she will give it some thought over time and give me a more defining answer?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
Hello and thanks for using Justanswer.com!

I'm sorry to hear she hasn't responded to your letter the way you were hoping. I applaud you for putting yourself out there, though. That takes a lot of courage to tell someone how you're really feeling for them, particularly when you don't know if they feel the same way.

I'm curious what it is she needs to "figure out" in NY?? I think I need a little more information about that...

I will say that her responses so far tell me a few things -- She cares about you and is extremely flattered by your letter. However, based upon her response (and lack thereof) I'd say she's not wanting the relationship you were looking for. She'd certainly reconsider going to NY or at least propose a long-distance relationship if that were the case. I'd assume she already has processed everything you've said to her and has simply put it on hold in a sense since her life is about to change dramatically. It's possible she'll find happiness in NY and may never give you the kind of response you hope for. It's also possible that she'll be unhappy there and will then second guess how she responded. It does sound like the timing is bad. I wonder, though, if it's actually a positive thing in that she's not able to date casually without it going anywhere like she might have if she had stayed. After this much time (and having dated more than once) it's not like she doesn't know what you have to offer and whether she wants a relationship with you.

I do think it's smart of you to lay low at this point. You've said everything you wanted to say and have some closure in that. You could send her off on a good note by offering to take her to dinner the last night. At that point I wouldn't ask for a response to your letter, but just wish her well in NY and tell her you're here for her if she decides she feels the same way you do. She'll know exactly what you mean and may even give you some hint as to what she's thinking / feeling about it all at that point.
Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience: Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
Jennifer and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

"FOR JENNIFER"

 

Ok so heres more. She had recently broke up with a guy she had dated for about 6 months. They broke up in March. So I have had such strong feelings for her, and knowing she was moving I decided to write the letter so it was one sided and i could explain my thoughts to her without interuption, and also so she will always have it (providing she kept it) It was hand written by the way.

 

So after giving it to her, one night after work. She texted me the following morning saying "thank you for the letter, its lovely, still processing it all, well talk tomorrow" So the the day came to talk, but we worked a whole shift together and didnt get a chance to talk til after work. Of course I couldnt help but count down the minutes til we left. So we're walking out and she asked if we could talk another time, but there was no way I could wait, so i said we need to address this. So iasked her what she thought and she said it was really sweet and that she does have feelings for me, but she kept reitterating that shes leaving for NY. So I was bummed she didnt talk to much, because shes the type if shes not in a relationship shes tight lipped. So as we were talking she did explain to me that its nice to see the serious side of me and that i compliment her in ways no other guy has really done. The she did say..."so what do you want to do have a long dist relationship?" So i said that if i had to say yes or no, the of course yes, but it wouldnt be realistic since shes going to figure out whatever it is she needs to be there for, and she respected that i said that.

So everythign that i could say to her, i said, kinda retelling the letter in my own words, and her biggest comeback was bad timing and shes leaving for NY , not sure what to do? I asked her if she wasnt leaving could we go on dates and see what happens, she said yes, but it seemed like the kind of yes to maybe put me at ease....

 

Mind you the the letter took place on a Saturday night...the night before a Friday, we all hung out in a big group for drinks, and prior to me showing up, she had told a female co-worker, and her boyfriend that she was still attracted to me and likes me, but i didnt take us serious the first time. reason being the coworkers boyfriend had asked the girl i like..."what is up with you guys, are you dating, so she explained. But htis is the thing...people always ask if we are dating because they say she might act a certain way when we're out, or some people have said to me, she always has an eye on me when we're working...i somehow have never picked up on this??

 

So needless to say a few times since then she has been distant at times, but then some days sorta flirty, but nothing too major. But heres the thing...if someone has just told you they are in love with you, and you didnt feel that way (at all) then i for one wouldnt continue to flirt in anyway...where as, she does. So the following saturday after work, we had had a few drinks after work and for some reason her and I almost shared an awkward kiss, but she kissed me on the cheek and went back out to the bar area. her and I are both Bar Managers. So we left kinda late and I had to oen my moth and ask her what that was, but she played it off, and i got somewhat emotional and just said..it sucks that I have told her how I truly feel but yet have no idea if she has any feelings for me at all...again saying yea, but its just complicated for her right now. mind you she was sitting in her car and it had just started raining and i must have stood in it for 20 mins telling more things, I could tell she felt for me as my eyes were welling up with tears, i held them back and she reached out and hugged me for a bit, then said she had to go. Hopefully that didnt turn her off too much as Im thinking it didnt because she still treats me about the same at work.

 

So i know some of her family from dating previous her mom and dad (who love me) and her brothers, the same..but i had just met her sister as of last week (officially) Just this past Fri i went up to where we work and the girl of interest was working and she came up and says, my sister is here, so i said, oh do you wnat to introduce me and she said no, shes with a friend, which i thought to be odd? So some time went by and i notice her and her sister smiling and lookign at me, and she said "my sister wnated me to tell you, our mom said hello" So i went over and introduced myself to the sister and we hit it off very well. the next morning I get a text from the girl and she says "my sister thinks youre cute" with a smiley face. So later on that night she kept giving me a play by play of how her night is going and that she was trying to get up to our bar for drinks closer to 1 am, but her sister (just turned 21) was drunk and they had to go home. So as shes explaining the night to me, which was rare in the first place...sends me a text that said "do you miss me?" So you can imagine why my mind is on this emotional rollercoaster. So work is work, we have always been able to remain friends and civil to each other through good and bad. I send her a text here and there just to be sweet and let her know im here if she needs anything. At this point she appears to be cautious of hanging out alone, but in a group setting, no problem. So I wanted to take her to dinner, but don't think its an option. Sometimes I might say or text soemthing to her and dont get a response..other times a do??? So its Tuesday 8-3-10 and Wednesday is her last day of work and she leaves for NY on the 10th. And from the 6th - the 8th, shes going to Vegas with her family. Im nervous after our last night of work (wed) I may not gte a goodbye before she leaves?? I suppose if that happens, that sort of speaks volumes how she sees me, or us?

 

Her and I have a mutual friend we are both close to, and the friend says to just sit this one out see what happens when shes in NY? But me being a pessamist (when it comes to relationships) just think ...ok, her and I have talked, she'll be in NY for 2 - 3 months thats it, thats all she wrote, and not give me a thought. Because the thing is, other then her going to just live for the experience, i dont know the real reason she needs this temporary escape? To get over the last relationship, where we live? change of pace? i dont know? Shes 30, lives at home and has a bach degree and a licenced massage therapist, by trait. Me Im 33, have my own apartment current bar manager, was in the navy and persuiong a career in law enforcement..or have toyed with the idea of opening my own bar/restaurant?

 

Anyway, thats the story of her and I. her name Starts with "H" and mine with a "K" So as far as what is in stor for H and K, I really with I knew. Ive felty depressed over it lately, and have been through one bad break up about 3 years ago, and this feels like that did in some ways, the emotional attachment anyway

 

I know this is a novel and hope you can follow? However, once you have a resonse for this which i would like...I would very much like to send you what i had written to her, to maybe get a sense of how she may have taken it? ...As a woman....

 

Thank you for everything so far!!

Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
I'd be happy to look over what you wrote to get a sense of how it might have been perceived.... Also might give me more insight into the situation.

I will say that this sounds a lot like she's decided already, but is keeping you interested just enough that you won't go anywhere. This could be for a couple of reasons... Perhaps she enjoys the flattery and likes having someone have these feelings for her (even if they aren't reciprocated on her end). Perhaps she's wanting you to stick around "just in case" things don't work the way she hopes they will in NY and she might change her mind about trying a long-distance relationship (or come back?) Regardless of the reason, the obvious part is that she's not feeling as serious as you are -- certainly not enough for her to stay or try a long-distance romance.

I'm sorry you might not get the chance to be alone with her before she goes. You can find some comfort in the fact that you've said everything you wanted to say. I agree with your friend that you should just sit it out. There's certainly something to be said about the attraction a "chase" creates. In this case, you're ready and waiting for her... She knows she doesn't have to chase you at all. The more available you are to her, the easier it is for her to simply sit back and let you feel that way (without giving anything in return). She may give you just enough to keep you attached (e.g., "Do you miss me?" text) but she still isn't telling you what you want to hear. I think she does care about you. However, I don't think she has the same feelings you have for her and you certainly deserve someone who would be willing to change her plans for you or at the very least, consider the possibility of a long-distance relationship to see where it goes.

It absolutely would speak volumes if you don't get a chance to say goodbye. It would feel unresolved (as it does now), but the message is clear at that point that she's moving on without you. I'm sorry this has been such a roller coaster for you!
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

"FOR JENIFER" (HERES THE LETTER)

 

Holly,

So I know you're probably saying to yourself "oh my god" as you always do, but please read this through. . .

 

If you are reading this letter you are probably on your way to New York and I am back here in Michigan missing you like crazy. I'm hoping I had enough nerve to give it to you sooner in hopes we could talk before you leave. I have some things I want you to know about how I have been feeling for a long time now, so please hear me out. Some of this you may have heard before, but it is important to me I put it all out their and see what happens? I know you are aware of how I feel about you; at least I hope you do.

 

When you and I first met I never thought we would have this amazing and sometimes complicated friendship that we have right now. When we started seeing each, we shared a lot of great moments. My biggest regret with you is not seeing you before you left for Boston. The times we shared prior to that moment are unforgettable. I will admit you tried a lot harder then I did back then to make things work and I was foolish for not allowing a relationship to happen. At this point I have no clue if I completely messed up my chance at ever being with you. Back then I was more afraid of getting hurt again. I wish a few years back things would have been different for us. I think we were both in two different places, but that never took away how I felt about you. I'm really hoping that the invention of second chances holds true for me. You aren't the type of person I would want to date until it didn't work out, only for us to resent each other later on for it. Right now if I was given a second chance to be with you I would not want anything to end. What seems more like an excuse back then, just makes me feel foolish I didn't take the time to overcome my problems and make things work with you. I hated having to keep things somewhat secretive because of work and whatever else was an issue. You don't know it but sometimes I see you at work or wherever we might be and smile just because I'm happy to be near you or see you. I'm not trying to live in the past but I wish I could have done this right the first time to possibly have a future with you now.

 

I would love to do nothing more right now but to ask you not to leave for New York but it wouldn't be your style to stay even if I did. Although I really wish you would stay. I know you have to go out their and do the things you want to do, and figure a few things out, which I admire you for. Lucky enough for me I have one thing figured out and it starts with you. The rest I would figure out along the way. You're leaving for now and I can't change that. I guess this time it feels different and the one thing that scares the hell out of me is that I may not see you for a long time? A lot can happen in 3 months, or longer if you stay. I have never met someone who makes me feel totally charged and peaceful at the same time, and who challenges me to be a better person. I know sometimes we have little fights that I can't wait to make up with you and tell you I'm sorry, even though we're both stubborn at times, I never want to be angry at someone I care so much about.

 

I truly feel I've got to appreciate you for the woman you were when we met and the woman you are now. One of my favorite memories of you always will be when I met you in Royal Oak (an hour late I know) ;) and we had drinks, and dinner, more drinks and laughed and walked around and it was time to go home and you kissed me good night; then it started snowing and I watched you walk away to your car. I never wanted anything NOT to end so much. Then again that is just one of many memories I have of you, of us. To me, you are incredibly sexy when you laugh and you have the most amazing smile I have ever seen. I love your intense eyes when you are listening to something and how drawn you are to people and truly care about what someone thinks or what they have to say. I love that you are close to your family and friends, and have great respect for them. From the few that I have met I think they are great people and I admire you for all those reasons and so much more. You and I get along so well, and when I see you, I get that feeling... sometimes even butterflies, not sure why, but I do.

 

Holly, I never thought I was ever going to feel this away about anyone else again, but it happened, and it happened with you. I know you put a lot of effort into us back then and I was incapable of letting it happen. In some ways I'm glad it didn't because it lead me to this point now in my life. All I ever wanted to do is make you laugh at my stupid jokes and see that incredible smile of yours and for you to be proud of who I am as a person. Just know that all my intentions for you have always come from place good. I'm sorry if I caused any hurtful feelings to make you think I didn't want you. I did, I just wasn't ready. I know how things must have felt then, because I feel that way now. I have tried so hard to make my efforts work but with little success. I don't think you take me seriously when I tell you things at work or when we are out, but I wouldn't say them if I didn't mean them. Lately you have been on my mind like no other and I like how that feels. The truth is Holly, I am falling in love with you and I hope that doesn't scare you to hear (not that you didn't already know). There has always been something there for you. I'm just sorry it took me this long to figure it out. I never want to be someone you end up hating but please know that there is something in me that feels this way for you. I will feel that way until that is no longer a possibility because you can't give that feeling to me in return. I realize what it takes to love someone conditionally and unconditionally. I love that you are the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing on my mind before I close my eyes at night.

 

I am not trying to scare you with anything I have said here. I guess when you realize how you feel about someone you want something to begin as soon as possible. I would love more then anything to rediscover more of who you are if in time you were ready for that. I could definitely see myself with you. And I say that because I would not be afraid of the possibility of a future together that involved "as long as you both shall live", or family. And I'm not saying this to say that's what it has to turn into but if it did, I'd be very lucky. When I'm not with you I'm thinking about you and look forward to every time I do get to see you. Just wondering if you have any of that going on at all for me? All I really ever wanted is just a chance to be with you. At this very moment all I would like to do is go out for dinner, hold hands, kiss you...and other things, talk about anything or simply nothing at all and laugh and enjoy your company. But I would definitely like to see where that could go, for as long as it can last with you, and hope that you would want or feel that same with me too. I just hope that it is not completely out of the question that there could be something great between us again. But the thing is Holly, I have fallen in love with you as a friend and hopefully more and I don't know how to stop feeling this way, nor do I want to.

 

I know you are uncomfortable talking about things like this, but in some ways it's my last attempt to figure out where I stand with you. At the risk of making a complete fool of myself, I am just man asking the most wonderful woman I know to please consider my feelings for her. Until then, when you are ready to talk about any of this, I will be here ready to listen.

 

All my love

 

Kevin

 

Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
Wow -- What a heartfelt letter! You did an incredible job expressing your feelings honestly and telling her exactly what you want for your future. This is the kind of letter a girl responds to right away -- provided they're feeling the same way.

I'm even more sorry now after having read this that she didn't respond the way you'd hoped and that she still plans on going to NY. She's obviously missing out on a relationship in which she'd be very much loved.

A few things did stick out to me -- You want her to stay, but didn't ask her to. The other thing that caught my eye was that you implied hopes for marriage. If this is a girl who doesn't know what she wants in her life right now (and is therefore taking off to NY hoping to find some answers there?) this might be the kind of commitment that she can't even fathom. I think she cares about you, but not in the way that you deserve. You've poured your heart out here and that was such a brave thing to do. Even if it doesn't end the way you'd like, at least you know it's not because you held back or neglected to tell her something you should have.

I get the feeling she's putting off talking to you about this... This is an intensely emotional letter that is very deserving of a response. The fact that she said she'd talk to you about it the next day and then ducked out of that as well sends the message that she's not able to say what you want to hear. She may be waiting until the last minute to make your work relationship more bearable until then or she may just leave if there isn't an opportunity for the two of you to speak alone. I think that's an insensitive way to leave everything, but it's certainly possible and like you said, it would speak volumes.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

"Jennifer"

 

I just wnated to thank you for all your feeding back, from what i have been sending you. having an unbiased opinion is somewhat refreshing.

 

So...tonight was Holly's last night of work before she takes off to NY, and she is going to a baseball game tomorrow with some of our friends, but asked me if I wanted to meet up afterwards for drinks with them. Its not really much, but it will be nice hanging out and just having fun. At work i kept thinking how much I am going to miss her after she's gone, but i didn't let it show. just tried to work and have fun and make her laugh a little. But inside it was killing me!!

 

Anyway, i am sure i will have an update for you soon. I suppose ill have to wait and see how the next 2 - 4 weeks go.

 

thanks so far...

Kevin

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

"FOR JENNIFER"

 

So...I think tonight something possibly great happened?

 

Today Holly and some friends went to a Tigers game. She said last night she was going to call me after the game to meet up for drinks, and she did :)

So I got downtown detroit at about 5:00pm and met up with everyone, she was quick to come up to me and say hello and be by my side, which felt nice and comforting. But i was just playing it casual like no big deal but all the while happy on the inside. Yes everyone had been drinking and a little buzzed up, but not too bad. So we went into a bar which was my first stop...i had picked up the first round of deinks, then we carried on to another bar. She satyed by my side most of the time and hugged me a lot through out the night. We had a good time talking and i tried to mingle with the other people there as to not be so clingy to her, even though my entire focus was on her. We went bar hoping a few more times and evrythign seemd perfect, i gave her a few platonic kisses on the forhead and i was absolutely loving the night. She was showing me a lot of attention and at one point said that I should come to Vegas with her and her family (since thats where she is going for 3 days before she goes to NY) I said jokingly, I would love to, but ask me tomorrow when youre sober and she just sorta looked and me and we carried on with conversation...

 

So later on it was going on about 930pm and the group decided it was time for dinner. I had parked ina different spot since i had met up with everyone, and Holly wanted to ride with me to the restaurant. (To be honest she made me feel amazing all over again, like it did when we dated) all those feelings came rushing back. As we were walking to my car, she grabbed my hand and we held hands the whole walk back to my truck. needless to say i have been on cloud nine ever since! So we went to Mexican town and theres tons of restaunts there and we got lost from our group and nobody was answering there fone...and she was ok with that and just wanted to go into the first place we came to. (almsot as if she didnt want anyone else there) we had such a good time me and her, laughing and talking.

 

So it was time to go and I had to drop her off at home and i was anxious as to what would happen.? Whether we would talk more or possibly a kiss goodnight? So i walked her to the door and asked if I would see her before she left for New York and she said of course. She went inside and I had the biggest grin and my fast, but absolutely did NOT want the night to end. I have never been in love like this before and at this point I have no idea what to do or think?!?!

 

So as I was driving home i decided to shoot her a text telling her how much fun I had and told her that she is such an amazing woman, had a great time and couldnt stop thinking about her. She wasnt very quick with a reply. As some time went be she just replied...."packing for vegas, youre welcome" So now Im just sitting here thinking about this amazing time i just spent with her only to figure out if the text was too much or if shes just tired or what?

 

So as the confusion continues.... I feel I absolutely am 100% falling for this woman, but have no idea (yet) how she feels, other then the good time we had tonight. is this anything i should get excited about or just take it for what it is. I hope i put in enough detail as Im sure I left out a few things, but by now i think you get a sense of what Im about, and possibly her.

 

Looking forward to your response!!

 

 

Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
I'm so glad everything went so well!!! I wouldn't worry about the text -- She was likely busy packing and I doubt it was too much given the way she behaved toward you that night.

I'm assuming she's in Vegas now? Any plans for seeing her before she leaves for NY? I know she said "of course" when you asked if you'd see her -- that's a great sign. I'm hoping she'll initiate contact and make those plans with you.

As well as everything seems to be going, be prepared for the possibility that it may be left on this note when she moves (without any of the closure you were looking for with regards XXXXX XXXXX letter or deep feelings for her). Would that be enough for now?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

"Jennifer"

 

Well at this point, Im not expecting her to give me any closure or thoughts about the letter before she leaves or at any other time between now and whenever. Knowing her, shes the type to just act more interested in me based on anything I have said or done.

 

I think the one good thing I have going for me is that I am very well accepted by her family and friends. Bu the thing is though, is I hope thats not just the only deciding factor. In time I wnat he rto have those feelings she once did, because she" truly feels that way.

 

Right now shes at the airport, and has been sending me text messages at first to tell me she was there, and now , recapping certain things last night. i told her how much fun I had, and she said she did too. At this point Im really hoping she does initate something before she leaves for NY. She is leaving on the 11th for NY but I know people from work and friends want to get a group thing going the night before, so we'll see?

 

At this point Im just wondering how to take in last night, and I wish to god I knew what she was thinking?! I would love to know that when she is in NY she is thinking about everything between her and I and might take more serious thought about things? But I hope if she does contact me, its not just because she is bored or Lonely?

 

My question is Jennifer, how will I be able to tell the difference between that or if she is truley missing me? Last night was kinda big considering she seemed shut down with my prior efforts. How showld i play this from here on out?

Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
There is the chance that she'll contact you if / when she's feeling lonely or bored... Particularly since she'll be in a new city and may not find the answers she's looking for right away. There's no way for you to know if that's the underlying motivation for her contacting you, but regardless of the reasons it could be a springboard for you to continue your relationship with her. Think of it as an opportunity for her to miss you. Being there may make her realize she wants SOMEONE in her life and the last contact she had with you was so emotionally intense that you would be the obvious choice. However, I think it's safe to say she wouldn't go down that road unless she was interested in you. She sounds like the kind of girl who doesn't say things unless she means them when it comes to feelings. Try to maintain contact and wait for her to express how she's feeling (as hard as that may be!) Definitely see if you can get some more alone time before she goes! Sounds like that went very well last time and may help you to figure out what's going through her head right now. Keep in mind that she's on the verge of a major change, so she may be feeling a little anxious and overwhelmed with everything that's going on. Keep being the fun guy you've been -- no pressure. That's likely the last thing she needs right now and she already knows exactly how you feel and what you want. I hope you get more time together before she goes!
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

"JENNIFER"

 

just a quick thought...

 

So I was just wondering as you were talking about not getting closure over the letter of how she may feel to tell me. I was very curious..in your opinion, as a woman... do you think she has given "any" thought to my letter or possibly what I have told her how I feel? Because even after all thats been said and done, she does continue to talk with me and hang out...as you already know. But my next thing is I know shes very close to her mom and sister, and they have taken a big liking to me. is it possible she has shared any of this with them?

I know im probably pulling for answers here but today I was feeling somewhat depressed about not seeing her for a while and I hate how that feels. Anyway, just would like to know your thoughts on that?

 

Thank you.

 

Kevin

Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
I do think she's given thought to your letter. It was a very heartfelt and endearing letter full of compliments and explicit in how you're feeling and what your hopes are for the future. I'd think it's not the kind of letter someone could read and then forget about!

Whether she talks to her mom and sister about it really depends upon whether she has the kind of relationship with either of them that includes talking about her personal life. If they do, then she may share it with them -- particularly if she's wanting their opinion on the matter.

Hang in there -- Remember how great it was the last time you were together. You left off on a really positive note and I don't see any reason for that to change over the few days she's away with her family.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

"For Jennifer"

 

So yes, at this point I feel it necessary to tell you every detail. ;)

 

So Holly got home from Vegas last night (monday night) and so all the while i wanted to contact her so bad, i restrained. So i as i was growing impatient, at about 2:30 today, she called me. I was so excited!

 

We made small talk. She asked me how my weekend was and just told me what she had been doing all day. The I asked her how Vegas was, and she briefly told me and the phone conversation was going good. So she asked me if our checks from work were ready while she was out of town. I told her yea, and she asked if i would pick it up for her, so she didnt have to go back in...of my response was yes. Then she said her and some friends were suppose to get together for drinks later after her family dinner. She asked if they do, would she like it if she called to meet up later. Needless to say I havent stopped smiling since. As sappy as that sounds....

 

I hate that I over analyze everything, but im just wondering if she wanted me to get her check as an "excuse" to see me? But then again she did ask me to meet up later. Yesterday I had kind of a bad day just because I kept wondering when she would text or call and started thinking how its going to be when she's gone. Anyway, I want to play it cool, but right now I feel like a nervous fool. Like crazy butterflies and everything. In your opinion and as a woman...do you think she might be developing something for me and is holding back? Or is more that she wants to see me, and still hiding behind how she feels since she is leaving for New York tomorrow?

 

I hope my last set of questions havent come off too bothering, I guess i just feel desperate to know how to figure her out? Its funny how things change...before she was chasing me...now Im chasing her. Life sure is strange sometimes

 

Anyway, Thanks Jen.

 

Kevin

Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
That's great that she called! I think the request for you to pick up her paycheck could be a little of both -- it's a guarantee that she'll see you, but also a matter of convenience (after all, I imagine she has a lot on her plate right now in preparation for a major move). I think you've told me that she hangs out with other co-workers, though. If that's the case, she certainly could've asked someone else. She didn't, though... She chose to ask you. Definitely good signs.

I think she'd already developed something for you based upon her behavior the last time you were together (holding hands, etc.) I'm still not convinced her feelings run as deep as yours since she still plans on leaving, but who knows? Maybe they do and she's sticking with her plans to make sure she's explored that opportunity. If so, she might contact you from NY -- even better if she suggests a visit. Has that come up at all?

Keep doing what you're doing -- It's obviously working in your favor. You may be chasing her, but it doesn't sound like you're doing any of the stuff that might scare her away by putting too much pressure on her. I hope all goes well!
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

"For Jennifer"

 

Thank you! You definitely make me feel more confident about handling any situation invoving her and with my confidence.

 

Im hoping her time in NY will let her realize whether or not she misses me? As far as her asking me to visit yet. No, but sort of yes. Before i had told her how i was truly feeling 4 weeks ago, she asked me one night at work if i would come visit and I said "sure when i get the invite" and she said "your always invited" but that just could have been talk. I guess i will have to wait that question out and see what happens.

 

The reality of her leaving tomorrow is definitely setting in with me, and i have been feeling nervous about it all day. (that what does the future have in store for me feeling) I just know Im going to miss her so much, but Im hoping I dont cave and start telling her all over again how I feel...when she perfectly more then knows. Im hoping she will start taking action, but I want to hear from her, that SHE misses me, and not asking if I miss her. id hate think all she wants is an ego boost from me, and nothing more.

 

Further more, I just hope after everything I have told you, if she ends up not wanting anything, she tells me. i think i do deservethat much. But as far as what happenbed in Detroit after the game...the closness, holding hands, and nice conversation, wasnt just the alcohol talking. I would think after my telling her how i feel, she wouldnt act that way if she wasnt feeling slightly the same......

 

I cant make her feel a certain way, I can only hope she realizes what we could have again, before its too late.

 

As for now, I will definitley keep you posted

 

Thank you Jennifer

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

" !!!For Jennifer!!!"

 

Ok, so I dont know what the hell happened?!

 

So as you know i told you that Holly called me yesterday (tuesday) and everythign so far was going well. She wanted to meet up with friends just not sure when? So i did what i had to do and made sure I was available any time after 9. She had told me she had to finish packing and had to have dinner with her family and said I will call you when I know whats going on.

 

So time goes by, and Im wondering when shes going to text/call? So at 11:18 i get a text from her......so heres how it went:

Holly: "hey just got done packing..."

Me: " oh wow, so whats the plan for the rest of the night?"

Holly: Well, I have to be up in 5 hours. Dont think I can go out. I'll be home on the21st for a couple of days though. Where are you? What are you doing?

Me: "Oh well that sucks. Im at Home. I really wanted to see you tonight"

Holly: "Sorry, I know Im lame. Its been a rough day."

Me: "I can Imagine. You probably wont be able to sleep. I could stop by if you want, but i dont want to complicate your night."

Holly: I can't. I wanted to see you too, thats why i called you earlier today. Im just so exhausted.

Me: "Ok. I wish things would have worked out different tonight. What can i say? im really going to miss you.

Holly: "Ill be back in 10 days!"

Me: "I know. Just saying. Hope everything goes well tomorrow. Ill look forward to your return home then :) Get some sleep! Good night Holly"

Holly: "Good night."

 

So judging by the text message I feel that towards the end I was upsetting her. Which is the last thing I wanted to do. I was just looking so forward to seeing her, and then got this huge let down. I mean yea she has to come home for a few days for a bridal shower and then back to NY for 2 - 3 months. I guess If she knew she wasnt going to make it out a call or text a little earlier in the night would have been nice. I was trying to put myelf in her shoes knowing that she had a lot going on with minimal time. I just know me...I would have made time for her. I guess thats where her and i differ. Anyway, so i knew she had to be up at 5 to catch a 7am plane. I didnt get much sleep last night so at 6am I decided it would have been a great idea to send her a text. I just told her

"Hi, hope you have a good flight. Sorry if I added to your stress last night. Wasn't trying to.You mean a lot to me and i guess I cant tell you enough. Anyway, you know the rest....." Needles to say she didnt even bother to reply to that, which now i feel I over did it.

 

So am I being selfish or overbearing, or both?? I feel like it went from something good to better, to what the hell did I do? yesterday she seemed so sweet and concerned about me, to I dont know what? Im hoping it was just stress and her being tired, but then again its hard to tell true emotions over a text. Which at 33 years old Ill never figure out wwhat the hell happened to just calling someone. but being that as it may. I sitting here imagining the worse. Not to mention i still have her paycheck I picked up. Im just wondering about the text conversation because it came off so cut and dry on her end. Do you think I made things more complicated? I just hate how last night turned out and hope i didnt screw things up to make her think different.

 

Anyway advice on what i should do at this point. or when she comes back for a few days?

 

Thank you Jennifer

 

Kevin.

Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
Oh, I'm sorry. I truly thought she would have made time for you. You're right that she was likely feeling pretty pressed for time -- sounds like she didn't have a lot of time for saying goodbye and packing between trips. I'm also glad you recognized that you would have made time. As difficult as it is to come to terms with, it's important you consider that fact. Typically when a man or woman has strong feelings for someone, they'll make spending time with them a true priority regardless of how stressed, busy, etc. they may be.

I don't think your response made anything more complicated, but I'd let it go for now (don't bring it up again) and wait to see if she contacts you once she's in NY.

Spend some time thinking about whether this is the kind of relationship you're looking for. I know you're very much in love with her. I also think you deserve someone who loves you that much in return and I'd hate for you to miss an opportunity to meet someone like that while you're waiting for Holly to come around. She may realize what she's missing and reconsider your future together, but she also might not.

I don't think you did anything to make things go wrong. She had shown she cares about you, but she never took the time to respond to the heartfelt letter you wrote. She expressed that she wanted to say goodbye, but ultimately you weren't the one she made time for.

She'll be back in 10 days -- Perhaps when she's not overwhelmed and busy with a major transition you'll see a kinder side of her again. In the meantime, try to lay low and keep yourself occupied so you don't go mad counting the days! When she's back in town, remind her how much fun you have together by doing something you'll both enjoy. Make it a fun and special experience without any pressure. If she again doesn't make time for you, I'd say the message is clear and it's time to let go.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

"for Jennifer"

 

Hi Jenn, how are you?

Ok so a mutual friend of Holly's and mine spoke with me yesterday. She wanted to know what was going on since her and I met up in Detroit after last weeks game. And just to clarify shes not the type of friend to Holly that is trying to collect info. (she's a coworker friend)

 

Anyway....I told her the same stuff i had told you. About how she was with my a few sats back telling me about ehr night, asking if I missed her, to how she was very flirtatious with me after the Tigers game, and how we had dinner, and how we didnt get to hang out the night before Holly left.

 

Our friend seems to think for one...it was dumb that i didn't try kissing her goodnight last thursday after spending a great night hasving fun, and with our friends. But the thing is on that is i have been shot down by that before and now Im starting to think i should have atleast tried?! Ugh. And "the friend" says that when Holly comes home next week for a few days that i need to just tell her things are killing me and to be just cut and dry with Holly and flat out ask her...."Do you like me?..yes or no...that i understand she is doign the NY thing, but give me some kind of indicator so im not waiting around etc..."

 

My thinking is she only here for a few day, i doont want to see her and just spring this on her, since she prob just wants to come home and have fun with the few days given. Not to mention I have done SO MUCH already, and kinda feel she should make a move. Holly and i have texted a few times since, nothing too dramatic. I am however suppose to meet with her sister on Saturday, and contumplated asking her sister some stuff, but think that might be too much, and dont want to make it look like thats what im trying to do?

 

Ahhh?! why is this stuff so friggen confusing?? Ive neevr been this clouded before. Anyway, just wondering what your thoughts are?

 

Thanks Jennifer

 

Kevin

Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
Normally I'd agree with your mutual friend -- Clear communication is always the best approach and you're certainly more likely to get the answers you're looking for if you just ask her directly. With that said, I'm getting the impression that she tends to withdraw when she feels too much pressure... Is that the case? If so, you'll need to take that into consideration. I think she's likely in a state of flux right now -- about everything! She doesn't know what she's looking for, but has taken off to NY to find it. I doubt she's even sure what she wants with you, but she wants to keep you around to some degree (just in case?) While asking her outright might give you the closure you're seeking, it may also backfire by shutting her down entirely if she's in a "maybe" frame of mind right now. Does that make sense??

I think the lack of a kiss the night you hung out wasn't a deal breaker -- otherwise she wouldn't have contacted you after that. If anything, it might have made you even more confused at this point! She certainly wouldn't have stayed if you had kissed her, so I wouldn't worry about it.

If you're dying to know, you could bring it up in a way that isn't threatening. For instance, instead of outright asking, "Do you like me?" you might present the idea as "I know you've got some things to work out in NY.... But I need to know if you see a future for us at some point. You know how I feel. I don't want to wait around hoping for more than friendship if that's just not going to happen." If her response to this is vague, ask her to be more clear. Tell her you know talking about this stuff isn't easy for her, but that you hope she realizes how hard it is not knowing. Hopefully she'll open up and share what she's thinking.

You'll have to play the weekend by ear and see if there's an appropriate time for this conversation. In fact, I'd try to have some light-hearted, fun time together first before diving into this kind of discussion since she doesn't seem to enjoy them!

You can ask her sister anything you feel comfortable asking, but know it will absolutely get back to her. Might be a bit much to have the sister passing along info like that and then trying to have a "where do I stand" talk the next time you see her. You could, of course, just mention that you miss her and you hope she comes back at some point. You don't want the sister to think you're just meeting with her to get more info, of course.

Just a few weeks, right? You might want to spend some time on personal growth (give your head a break from all of this!) Look into a new hobby, recreational activity, community class, or volunteer work... It will broaden your horizons, help you to meet new people, and give you some interesting experiences to discuss with others (including Holly, of course). I think something like that would help you to feel like you're not just waiting around.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

"for Jennifer"

 

Ok so this saturday was an interesting turn of events....

 

Just wnated to say reall fast I appreciate your last reply with some insight on to possibly handle talking to her, if and when Im ready...

 

So this past sat I had went out with some friends and Met up with Hollys sister like i had told you I was going to. So I introduced her to my good friend, who i have been wanting ehr to meet. So we had all been drinking, so my buddy just blurts out to hollys sister..."so does Holly like Kevin, yes or no?" Audra (Hollys sister) just says I dont know.

So i left the table and he asked her again.....So Audra tells my friend "Well dont tell kevin, but no, I dont think so" So my buddy tells her, well she needs to tell me that and that he told Hollys sister that I have been trying to figure her out and that shes a hard girl to read" Audra just told him, yea, I dont know thats between them but thats my sister though..

 

So My friend and I were too drunk to drive, so Audra drove us to her pace and let us crash there. After we left her place in the morning, I texted Audra when I got up to thank her for everything. Then I asked her over text...that Johnny had told me what they said about me and Holly. I asked the sister, hey, do you think i have a chance to date your sister again, that i have these feelings for her and just wish i knew. Audra just simply replied "well I dont want to speak for my sister so thats something you need to ask her" I told her I have but shes very vague, and that before she left i got a lot of mixed signals. She just said i dont know what to tell you. I told her that she didnt have to tell me anything and that it probably wasnt cool I asked her in the first place, but this stuff has been weighing on my mind.

 

So coincidentally...Holy texted me hello this morning and sent me a pic where she was in NY. I responded with excitement and said thanks for the pic, and that i wasnt feeling to good. She just said yea, I heard you were in kalimazoo for the night. So that was that.

 

So when i got in to work I looked at the schedule and notice i got off the days I had asked my boss for (which are the 3 days Holly comes home on next week) which are next sat sun mon. So I texted her and told her, and she said (i have that shower at 6 that night butthead ;) " So then i said yea, i know...but maybe i could meet up after they were done, or Sun...she just responded, probably Sunday

 

So at this point...given what the sister said, im been thinking baout that all day, because i think if she did like me, the sister would have had a more positive response. Then i got my head thinking about why she sent me a pic (like she wanted me to be part of her day somehow by sharing) and then being kinda vague after i told her I was available to hang out when she gets in. and my text to her was "I have next weekend off when you come in cant wait to see that pretty face of yours" mostly because i wnated her to know id be available and to compliment her

 

So how should i play this now, know what i know?? And should i take her sisters word for it. My head is a complete mess right now...

 

Thanks!

 

Kevin

Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
Hi Kevin,

Sorry for the delay -- We're remodeling, so I was out of a home office today. Thankful to be back online!

Given your conversation with Audra and what she told your friend, I think it's time you ask Holly directly how she's feeling. It sounds like she's made it clear to her sister that her heart isn't in it, however her actions are somewhat contradicting.

My guess is that if you asked her if she likes you, she's going to say yes. I do think you'll need to ask her to clarify -- Does she have feelings about you because of the past you've shared together or because she sees a future with you?

It's safe to say she probably already knows you've asked her sister about it, so you could simply approach it by saying you realized you were asking the wrong person. You obviously have feelings for her... Are you waiting for something that just isn't going to happen? Tell her that if she does care about you, she'll be honest and let you know whether you're wasting your time and getting your hopes up every time she gives any indication that she might feel the same way.

It's a scary conversation, but I think at this point it needs to happen. It will help you to feel more secure in what's going on or it will tell you what you need to know in order to let go.

I still think you should plan a fun activity with her when she visits. Sounds like she's not making a tremendous amount of time for you, but hopefully you'll get a chance to hang out on Sunday and at the end of an enjoyable time together you could bring it up. Tell her you need to have this conversation before you say goodbye this time -- especially since you don't really know when she's coming back. I hope the conversation goes well!!
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

"for Jennifer"

 

Ok, so at this point I have no idea what I wnat to do? Yesterday i decided to call Holly. She didnt answer but then called back. We got bad connection so she texted me and said she had bad recpetion where she was at and would call me later. So I said that it was ok I just wnated to call and see how things were going and to hear her voice. She replied thankyou and that shed talk to me soon. her best friend is there visiting with her husband so they have been spending the last 4 days together, so it kinda sucks because shes been able to stay busy

 

As of now i dont even know if i will see her when she comes home on Saturday, she said she would on Sunday but who knows how that will go. The thing is Jennifer IIm not dumb, I do feel im getting blown off, but the thing is when you like someone so much, you want to be consumed by them and thats how i have been feeling! Even not recieving a dumb text message makes the fday incomplete. At least before we would see each other at work or maybe talk every other day. im begginning to feel out of site out of mind. I just feel fooloish for trying so hard and getting nothing in return. And major thought of depression have set in. She is ALL i think about and I have NEVER felt this vulnerable before, and I dont know what to do?!

 

The only thing i havent done is ignore her, or stop trying to contact her in some way, and maybe make her wonder why Im not texting or calling. But I really dont want to play games! I have thought about just telling her...that im sorry I didnt take us serious the first time, if that is what is keeping her distance, and that im sorry i wasnt smart enough to hold on to her the first time. I truly do feel she is the best thing that happened to me since we met. But aparently im good at messing things up. But the last ting i wnat to do is keep talkign about it and having her loath me. Like you ssaid she morte then knows how I feel so if she wnated to act on it she would--well she hasnt.

 

I just feel Im out of options and have never felt this pathetic of a woman before. My downfall is when I fall for a woman , I fall hard. I just wish she could see my good intentions and how I would never hurt her if given that chance to make things how they were the first time

 

I hope im not drivign you crazy with this issue. I know some of it seems redundant, but something always comes up i feel i need advice on...

 

Thank you...

Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
I don't think you're getting blown off necessarily, but she's certainly not sending you any signals to tell you she feels the same way.

At this point I do think you still need to talk with her. You're right -- trying NOT to contact her would be just playing games and that's never a good approach. However, you need to know whether her heart is in this at all to know whether you're chasing something that simply isn't there.

I'm sorry this is weighing on you so heavily. Have you thought at all about what I said as far as getting involved in something new to broaden your horizons?? It may help -- It would certainly help if (worse case scenario) you found yourself in a position where you needed to find a way to move on.

Talk it out with her -- preferably in person -- and find out what she's thinking / feeling. If it doesn't work out the way you'd hoped, you'll know it wasn't at all because you didn't show her / tell her how you're feeling. If that happens, keep in mind that you should be with someone who showers you with the same attention / love that you're giving. It should come just as easily to someone who loves you back. I'd hate to think you're hoping for a text message.... You know you deserve better than that.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

"for jennifer"

 

 

Ok, so I feel like we are turning into best friend / pen pales here.

Ugh...so this is turning in to an emotional rollercoaster. So I just read what you returned last, and no sooner do i log off, Holly Calls me!

 

I played it cool. She said she was sorry for not calling me back yesterday, and wanted to see how i was doing and I was vague but wanted to know more how she was. It went well as far as i know. We said all that we needed to say for the night and she had just got back to her place, so I just told ok, well it was nice hearing from you, and if she needed to talk or needed anything to call me. And she said ok, ditto to you you too.

And then i said hope to see you when you get in and she said yea, ok. (I was thinking i scared her off a bit when we texted because she had called me, bad connection so she had said she called later, and i said no prob and that i just called to see how she was and that i wanted to hear her voice) ...like i said, i have no idea at this point if she doesnt want to be complicated, because she definitely has a hard time taking them.

 

I hate that i make a big deal out of everyhting she does and i agrre with you though, i should be loved as much as i am putting out there. Atleast mentally, i do feel a little better talkign to her and hearing her voice. I just hope now she starts realizing what a good thing we both could have and how important she is to me, and hopefully I, to her? I know i have come off a bit crazy at times, and i hope i havent given that impression....Love is such a crazy and powerful thing.

 

So how would you recomend that i handle the situation now? I really dont feel I should talk to her when she comes home, for one, i dont know if we will meet up for sure and two, i havent mentioned anythign about us to her, in a while, but i dont wnat her to think everytime were out, or alone, that is all i want to talk about. Id liek to think that if I give her enough space and in some ways make her miss me by not contacting her so much, she might start to wonder about me. Yes, it does in fact sound like playing the game, but it this point, thats really all i have left to try

 

What do you suggest?

Thank you jennifer

 

p.s. i hope the remodeling is going well

 

Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
First of all (I should have mentioned this a long time ago) -- No need to write "For Jennifer" if you're adding a reply to the original question. It doesn't list as a new question (you were charged for the 1st one only and I was paid for your "accept" a while back) and as long as the conversation revolves around the original problem, I don't mind continuing it. :) If, however, you have another question in the future and want to post it on the relationship forum for me specifically, that's when you'll need to start with "For Jennifer." By the way, remodeling is going well. Thanks!

OK... I still think you need to talk with her. I know you're convinced it will send her running, but I honestly think you're torturing yourself here and the longer you wait the more confused you're going to feel. She's going to continue to give you mixed signals and you're going to continue to grasp onto any shred of attention she gives you in hope that it might mean something more. How's that for brutally honest?? I think she cares about you, but she's the only one who can tell you what that means and to what degree.

It's concerning to me that she's not committing to spending time with you when she'll be back in town since she skipped spending time together before she left with the excuse that she'd be back in 10 days.... Are there plans for her to come back again after that?? I ask because that might give you the time you're hoping to spend together without having any deep discussions and then next time you could bring it up. However, I wouldn't plan on this unless you know for sure she's coming back soon... Otherwise it could make for a brutal wait and I'm guessing you wouldn't be able to resist calling her to hash it all out! Better to have this discussion face to face if you can.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

 

Hi Jennifer...

 

So.......

Where do i begin?

 

So saturday Morning I had to be to work at 10am and i get a text from Holly at 830 saying she was at the airport to come home. I hadnt had any communication with her in 4 days, so needless to say that woke me up immediately. We texted back and forth for a bit until she got on her plane. She was going to a Bridal shower that day and it was at 6pm. I told her if she wanted to meet up after to get ahold of me. Of course i never heard from her, which was expected, so I kept busy with my friends that night.

 

So on Sunday I had off....and she finally contacted me via "text" at about 3:30. she had texted me at first to say she didnt do anything after the shower and just went home after and briefly told me how it went. I couldnt respond at the time so about 15 mins went by and she sent another text, asking if I wnate dto meet up at 11pm for a drink. She was going to be busy with her family til then. So i replied that i would love to and she said she het ahold of me, when she was ready to head out. So at 10:30 she text me saying she didnt want to go out to a bar, but wanted to stop by my place for a bit. Which was fine. So right before she arrived, I started getting extremely nervous, and this has NEVER happened with her?? So i calmed myself down, she arrived and it went ok, had a nice chat, and talked about things...but I never broght up anything about us...i chickened out, something didnt feel right mentioning it. She said she thinks she is still exhausted from vegas then being on the go in NY when her friend came in, and being up literally all day yesterday from traveling, and the bridal shower (understandable) She told me she was prob going to make a decision in 3 weeks to stay in NY or come home. Shes subletting a room there and she either has to find a new place or move back.

 

So...it came time for her to go, and she hugged me at the front door, and i said Id walk her to her car, then joking said it was just an excuse to steal another hug from her, she smiled. So we walked out talked a few more mins gave her a kiss on the cheek and a hug, wished her off, and that was that......

Well me being me. i texted her about 10 mins later and just said "glad i got to see you tonight,. the selfish side of me wishes we could hang out all the time ;) Anyway thanks for stopping by, i miss you already.." The she replied "it was good seeing you too! So I couldnt hold back and said "Not to kill the moment , but you know me, haha. I wnated to kiss you! Sorry had to say it" She replied with "well im very kissable :)" I asked if that was an invite, but she never replied, so i just simply said Goodnight after 20 mins went by.

 

So of course im thinking if that was overkill??? So since i know her sister tells her everything...I sent her quick text saying i just hung out with holly and how great it was to see her etc.....

 

But like I said when we were talking she said she was homesick and needs to figure things out, so i do have a feeling she will be returning VERY soon...hopefully?!?!?! but i still need to get an answer as to if she thinks something can be more with us, then just friends???

 

Do you feel i handled tonight ok, or does it seemed like i choked? More and more im feeling not as confident around her, ever since i laid it all the line? I guess i feel since she knows exactly what i wnat...she has the upper hand, i just wish i could get control on her liking me that much again...

 

Ahhh...the saga continues....

 

Thanks Jenn....

 

Kevin

Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
All of this sounds great up until she replied to your text about wanting to kiss her with a joke about how kissable she is.... Nothing to allude that she felt the same way, unfortunately. I also don't like that she didn't reply to the following text. I don't think what you wrote was overkill, though. Just more prodding and at this point it seems her responses continue to send the message that she's not interested in the same thing you are. However, you won't know for sure until you ask. I do think you'll only continue to feel confused and torn until you know with certainty what she's thinking.

So now you could wait it out (3 weeks will seem like an eternity, but it's not really that long) and see if she comes back. If she does, that's the perfect time to have that talk you've been putting off and finally figure out whether she sees you in her future romantically. If she's not coming back, I'd say you have your answer. At that point you can decide whether or not you want to have that discussion with her or not over the phone.

The real question is whether that discussion would have any influence on her decision to come back... ??? Do you think it would?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

 

 

I guess I was wondering what"im kissable" meant? because it sorted seemed like maybe she felt i should just do it, rather then tell her i wanted to? Hell, i dont know??

And youre right though it is going to feel like an eternity, but wortht the wait.

 

The thing is though she never left for NY to figure out what she wanted with me or to get over her ex. Shes always been the type to do what she wnats for her no matter what she might be leaving behind. I admire her for going out there to try. Like i said before, unless shes in a relationship its hard tog et much out of her.

 

I think its going to take her coming back to talk to her face to face and ask her directly, perhaps. However, prior to her coming home, she did tell some of our friends she wanted to hang out, but instead she did just choose to hang out alone? Kinda of confusing but, whatever. The thing is she knows what i am about, so if i was nervous she probably knew it last night, but she also knows my fun side and how we are when we're out, or working together

 

I dont think id have the "discussion" with her unless she comes back, or i decide i cant take it, and go see her in NY (little extreme) mut if that doesnt show me being serious, nothing will. I think shes somewhat reserved what she tells me probably since she might be unsure of her feelings and doesnt wnat to tell me she'll move back, so i think it means she wants to start dating.... reason i think that is because the night we talked of my letter to her, she said if she wasn't leaving we could go on dates etc... But who knows if that was just what she wanted me to hear?

 

Right now, the only thing i HAVE NOT done, is just not contact her. I know its game laying which i am totally against, but somethimes thats what the other person needs to realize what a good they had (dont know what ya got til its gone) so to speak. But i the same time, I hate not taliing to her or knowing whats going on. and i dont wnat to lose contact. my other plan is to leat a week or so go by and tell her i miss her and see what her response is? What do you think?? i hate to admit that im grabbing at straws here, and i hate that it feels like so much work, but i gueess in some ways im making up for my past mistakes that she had to chase me so much...but it shouldnt be this damn hard

 

what do you think?

Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
I get the impression she was just being cute with that text. Particularly since she didn't respond to the next one, I think it was a joke that allowed her to duck out of facing the fact that you wanted to kiss her.

A week without calling might be good for both of you -- Think you can do it?

You're right... It shouldn't be this hard. Try to remember that it doesn't have to be... Don't wait too long before opening up to the idea that someone else might give you the relationship you're looking for. I'd hate for you to miss opportunities to meet someone because you're too busy waiting for Holly to change her mind.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

 

 

Ok, so i cracked!!

 

Ugh, Im so mad at myself.

So today i was spending a lot of time with my thoughts and as I was at my moms house i decided to text Holly, something that laways made her laugh. She just responded with a smiley face. I asked how her day was going, then she said she had a lazy day since it rained mostly in NY and that she was heading to get pizza witha "friend" then asked how mine was...I proceeded to tell her and I got absolutyely no response..

 

Im kind of at that point where, now im trying to figure out, ok, what the hell happened between that great night we spent downtown beofre she left for vegas/NY up to now? If nothing else we've always been friends, and now i feel like that is deminishing?

 

So tonight at my moms after dinner we started talking about how things were, and for soewm reason i could stop crying. If you knew me on a personal level you would know that, this is not normal for me. So as i was being comforted by my mother, i felt absolutely pathetic! i dont know if its just that i feel rejected, or the not knowing of what is happening with how i feel about Holly. Either way i need to get a grip, but i have no idea how to gain control? I have tried working out more then I already do, picking up more shifts at work, talkign to new people, NOTHING takes my focus off Holly. A feww bleek moment out of the day I feel ok, but then i fall right back into feeling depressed and worthless.

 

I always thought of myself as fun and upbeet, which is what drew Holly to me in the first place. ever since i told Her how i was feeling I have been falling apart. Please tell me this is normal because I am driving myself crazy, and to be quite honest, this is so exhausting.....

 

Ultimately i wantt o keep the no contact goiug and see how long it takes her to contact me, but at this poitn, i literally have no idea how to handle the siutation. I feel like I know things could be great if she'd just let her guard down and talk to me, but I dont understand what has happened in the past few weeks, and wish i could turn back time.two years to be exact.. I jst want to know, if she is not that into me, why cant she just say so?

 

thanks Jenn

Sorry for making this more complicated then ever had to be....

Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
First of all, no need to apologize... And don't be mad at yourself either. You wanted to talk to her and so you sent a text. Try to take a step back and look at this situation, though. You're dying to talk to this girl and feeling like you shouldn't because... Why? Because maybe it will make her want you back? I honestly don't think ANYTHING happened between the night you spent downtown and now. I think she cares about you and enjoys hanging out. Unfortunately none of her behaviors seem to indicate she cares as deeply as you do or in the same way. She should be dying to want to talk to you! Relationships are so much better when both of you are feeling that excitement and it's not about one person chasing the other. Give yourself a break -- Nothing bad happened as a result of the text message. In fact, it sounds like nothing changed at all.

I know you want to know whether or not she's into you and whether there's any chance for a future... She hasn't told you. Your letter put it all out there, though. She knows what you want and yet she continues to dance around it. The only reason it's complicated at this point is because you haven't flat out asked. You'll need to do that to know for sure what's going on in her head. I think her actions speak for themselves, but you won't be able to ignore the few contradicting signals until you hear it from her directly. Do you have a plan for when you might do that?

If you're set on putting some space between you first, maybe you need a break... Can you take some time off? Go somewhere for a few days to relax? It might help you think all of this through and gain some perspective on it all. As a side note, NY would NOT be the place to go if you're trying to take a break from this heartache! I'd be willing to guess that's the first place that popped into your head. :)
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

 

Actually, its funny you said that because I thought about a suprise visit to NY, but for one I dont wnat to just show up, and two, she might decide next week is when she will either have to find another place or move home? (im hoping for home) But actually a few of my friends and I are plannign a 3 day trip to Chicago just to get away and leave a few things behind.

 

I couldnt agree with you more, it is so much better when both people cant stand not seeing or talking to to one another. I do hate that its so one sided. And a lot of it was my mind not being able to shut off these pesamistic thoughts, or negativity. I suppose lot of it is me being impatient and wanting an answer now. But what she doesnt realize is, that it wasnt exactly easy to write up this letter filled with every thought I had, then give it to her, and further explain myself in full detail and not get much back. Thats why i say i feel foolish, because I STILL continue to fight for this woman, who as you can see too, is giving me nothing back in return. I guess part of me too, is caught up in the past of what was...so why cant it be again? I blame myself for a lot why we didnt work out, but it had nothing to do with cheating, or thoughts of another..it was just bad timing, and it seems like shes making me pay for it now. i have gone full throttle for her, and i dont know how to stop my emotions for her? Or play hard to get if thats what it takes?

 

But you are right...I do need to ask her. I suppose if and when she decides to move home, i will wnat to talk about it. I guess i have no idea how to bring it up, since i feel I have done SO MUCH to make her see how much i care for her. if she decided to stay in NY, I may try to arrange going to see her, and ask her over dinner or doing something fun? If she does move back, how would you suggest I approach her and ack her if shes thought about me in that way, or things i mentioned in the letter???

 

Thank you jennifer

 

Kevin

Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
I'm glad she's potentially going to decide next week what her plans are as far as staying or moving back... I think you should definitely go to Chicago with your friends! Take a break from this and let yourself relax for a few days. It will be much easier to let it go and avoid driving yourself crazy waiting for her to call if your time is occupied with friends / sightseeing.

You asked why you can't go back to what you had... Think about how you've changed since then. It's likely she has done some growing and changing as well. The dynamics are different now. Your goals are different. It could still work out if she decides she still has those feelings for you, but the relationship will never be exactly what it was then. This could be a good thing, of course, but it could also mean that the relationship you're hoping to go back to simply isn't possible. Don't try to go back -- Your goal should be to forge a new future together. Only if she wants this, too, though. I don't think she's trying to make you pay for anything that went wrong in the past... I honestly think she still isn't clear on what she wants in her life and that includes her personal life. It may take some time for her to figure that out, but it's not fair for you to wait to see if she develops deeper feelings for you. Those feelings are either there or they aren't. You'll know for sure when you ask...

If she decides to move back, that's a great opportunity for you to have that discussion. If possible, it would be great to spend a day or an afternoon together just enjoying each other's company. At the end of the day (assuming things are great all day), that would be a good time to put yourself out there. "You know how I feel about you. I'm at a loss for how you feel, though... Do you see a future for us?"
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

 

 

Hi Jennifer....

 

 

Ok. So...

 

I have tried to keep my distance and see if she would contact me? This past Friday I had recieved a text from her since she had read my facebook, that a bunch of us that use to hang out together, were out that night. We texted back a forth a few times, then i said was having a great time, but i missed her. She waitied about 20 mnutes and said she missed me too (I was shocked)

 

 

So today (Monday) I have been thinkign about her all day, and i have been somewhat better, just have a lot of things on my mind, but she was at the top of those things.

well at about 830pm i simply texted her "i miss you" At 930 pm she texted me back "Im coming home Thursday :) " not exactly the response I was hoping for so i told her "i know, but for how long" ...and..she just responded now "dont know yet...my sublease is up this week and i havent secured another one so maybe for good" so i said "oh wow, are you ok with that?" and she replied nothing as of yet...... I dont get why she wont tell me the whole story with her?! its like pulling teeth

 

i had a good week keeping busy, but she is still a constant thought, and i know its anly been 4 weeks since i havent seen her on a daily basis, but i dont feel things are the same anymore. im sure its mostly in my head, but how i feel, its hard to wnat anything but for her to say she misses me and wants to see me...but i cant make that happen.

should i just back off at this point?? i mean yea shes coming back, possibly for good, but what do i need to do to make her realise shes giving up a good thing. if in fact htat is what she's doing???

Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
I'm glad to hear she said that she missed you. Did she ever reply to your question about her coming home?

You're right that you can't make her say what you want to hear or feel the way that you do. She'll either realize she's missing out on something good or she won't. It may be that she knows exactly how good it could be, but it's simply not what she's looking for right now. Does that make sense? She knows you and she certainly knows how you feel about her. So far I'd say she's passed on the opportunity... That might change, but I'd hate for you to wait around for that happen when it might not.

What's the plan for talking with her about it at this point? You'll need that -- either to spark whatever might happen next with the two of you or to provide the closure you'll need to move on.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

dont really have a plan to talk at this point. she told me she'll be home on thursday, but NEVER goes out of her way to say she'd like to see me or make plans (that would be asking too much)

 

the thing is im not stupid, i know when someone is interested or not...i guess im just holding on to the hope that she might change her mind, but i have absolutely no idea if she thinks of me the way i do about her...if not, i feel so stupid putting myself out there with her, i really do.... i say that because she gets nothing but complimented and love by me and i dont get anything in return other then occasional text, most of which i innitiate

 

i have been depressed so much over her lately and i dont know how to turn it off. everyone says date other people and go out, but i cant get out of my own way when it comes to her. im not interested in dating anyone now other then hanging out with the few people that put my mind at ease and working, nothing seems to get me out of this funk im in....

 

i just never thought that the one woman who tried so hard to get my attention, i would end up trying so hard to get hers. I keep blaming myself for not llowing a relationship to happen when we dated before, and that will always haunt me unless something magically happens with us. I feel at this point i should cut my losses, but i say that, but dont really want to.

 

we will text and she doesnt finish the conversation. or we will be on facebook at the same time and she will be on and not say hello or anything and signs off. I know a lot of my issues seem rediculous, I just wish maybe that you knew me or could see me to get a better sense of who I am. i have never been the type to have problem with woman.... until Holly, she absolutely wrecks me,. Shes the type that lights up a room when shes in it. i just wish she could let her thoughts run wild about me again

 

no clue what im going to do if/when she moves back to michigan??

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Hi jennifer.

 

not sure if you got my last post, but anyway.....

 

So the other day holy asked me to pick her up from the airport. not that it means anything, but i was thinkign she could have got anyone to pick her up, but asked me. hen again maybe people that she could rely on were busy. So i picked her up at 11:30 today, and it went good. It was about a 20 minute ride back to her house, so the conversation went well, but to be honest it was just so nice to see her, and hear her voice, i couldnt stop looking at her...

 

So we were both hungry and decided to go for lunch right by her house. We talked alot and i made her laugh quite a bit, and felt so comfortable. It almost fealt normal again. But then it was time to go, i helped her in with her bags, but didn't want it to end (as usual) Shes leaving for her bachlorette party tomorrow and will be gone until Monday morning. She said she was going to visit her sister in kalamazoo, MI and said i should come with her, if i wasnt working? Which, Im not because im off for labor day, but not sure how serious she was of me going? Kzoo...is about 2 hours from where we live outside Detroit. So who knows...?

 

I do get the feeling she is home to stay? She said she might go down south for a few weeks or somewhere to get the traveliong out of her system, but who knows with her. I thought a good idea once shes officially here, to ask her on an actual date and see how she takes to that? the depending how that goes, see what she feels about me..then again if she agrees to a date, that might be somewhat of an answer? I dont know, as of now, not sure whats to happen?

 

I think today went well, and she said she might top in to the bar tonight if she has time, but not sure? She had asked me to suggest some places in Miami to go, since ive been there a few times, so i can use that as a conversation piece, but in short..im still trying to figure things out.

 

Any advice you might have for me?

 

thanks,

Kevin

Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
Hi Kevin,

I did reply, but I don't see it posted here... Sorry about that! Not sure what went wrong...

I'm glad she asked you to pick her up -- The more time you can spend together the more comfortable I think you'll be bringing up the tough discussion (and more opportunities!)

Why don't you send a text about Labor Day weekend -- Something simple like, "Thinking about plans for Labor Day weekend... Still want company for your trip to Kzoo?" You should be able to gage by her response whether the invitation stands.

Also, why wait for her to settle down back home before asking her on a date?? I'd suggest you make it clear that's what it is, though... "Can I take you out to dinner Friday night?" is a pretty obvious DATE and not just friends hanging out. I still think the sooner you can have that conversation the better -- it may help her to decide what she wants to do (if she's considering staying at all) or if not, you'll at least know what it is she's thinking / feeling. Finally! :)
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

 

 

Hi Jen...

 

I know its been a while...

 

So after everything that went on with Holly, heres the outcome.

 

Its been over three weeks and I have not talked talked to her in any way. Usually I couldnt go 3 days, without the need to hear from her, so Im proud of myself for that atleast.

 

Anyway, about four Sundays ago we all went out for lunch (people from work) Everything was normal. We had all had a few drinks but nothing major. Anyway I had to go in to work but couldnt hold it in any longer. I told her that i was still crazy about her, and dont see my feelings changing, and asked her for a date. Her response was this

"ummmmmm?" Then i had to leave and that was all she would say...

 

Needless to say from that moment on i got pissed only because...as a woman I feel she owed me a better explination rather then literally blowing me off. After being in a relationship to freinds..then relationship, and friends again, i just feel i do.

So its been over 3 weeks and i haven't heard one thing from her! I mean ive actually been doing good, not depressed like i was, since i came to grip that (for lack of better words) she chose to act like a bitch and handle this poorly. Im mostly bummed that i lost, from what i thought, a good friend, and do miss seeing her. but if it was under false pretenses, then i suppose for the best, XXXXX XXXXX do miss her.

 

A mutual friend of ours will be at a wedding with her this saturday, and said shes gonna see if she asks about me, .......my guess is probably not, but who nows. I figured she would have atleast text me by now, but I see at this point i didnt really mean that much to her...not even as a friend, so that kinda hurts, but Ill get past it...i have no choice.

 

Anyway. Thanks for all your advice and words of encouragement. You have been great!

 

thanks again

Take Care

 

Kevin

Expert:  Jennifer replied 4 years ago.
Oh, Kevin... I'm sorry to hear she responded that way. I was hoping she'd at least have an honest conversation with you about what she was thinking / feeling instead of taking the less mature route of NOT calling. It says plenty in itself, but can definitely feel like a slap in the face after having poured your heart our to her both in a letter and in person.

I know it's easy to be angry, but try to realize that this is for the best. Why on earth would you want to love someone who doesn't love you back? There are many other women out there -- women with the same qualities you found so attractive in Holly and more. You'll find her... Think about what you liked / disliked about how this worked out. What specifically are you looking for now? What did you learn? We learn something from all of our relationships -- even the ones that don't go the way we had hoped they would.

I'm still impressed that you put yourself out there the way you did and I hope this doesn't change your willingness to do that again in the future! There are a lot of girls who would LOVE that kind of emotional honesty. Holly wasn't that girl for you and that's OK. Perhaps you'll be friends again the future when some time has passed. I wish you the best of luck!
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi jennifer...

 

I have a new issue i need help with. i tried getting you and was referred to someone else, i am unhappy with whom im talking with

CAN I PLEASE GET YOU??

Expert:  Jennifer replied 3 years ago.
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