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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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The other morning I woke up and walked into the living room

Resolved Question:

The other morning I woke up and walked into the living room to find my husband masturbating while looking at a picture of a female on the internet. I was extremely upset about the whole situation. He was very upset and embarrassed about the situation as well.

I am feeling very hurt and betrayed since seeing this. He always tells me how attracted he is to me and when we do have sex, there are no problems whatsoever. We typically make love 2-3 times a week. He has apologized and feels terrible about what happened, but I can't seem to shake it. I feel insecure about our relationship since this happened. Additionally, I was sexually molested as a child; I've seen a therapist and am doing well, but seeing this triggered a memory from my past.

I recognize guys may do this, but the fact that he was doing it while I was home seems so disrespectful to me. Any advice would be immensely appreciated.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 4 years ago.

Good Evening,

 

It may be possible that he had not expected you to walk in on him (he could have done it in the shower while you're at home and not know about it) What you feel may be all tied to the fact that he had been doing this while looking at a picture of another woman.

Many men do engage in self stimulation (especially those who have high level of testosterone and hence high libido level) The simple act of self stimulation does not mean that he does not love you. He may have just not though about how upsetting this would be to you. Also, the past trauma you're dealing with, is not something that his act should have evoked the feelings. It may be related to your initial shock and then all sorts of other feelings were triggered possibly even self esteem issues.

Do the two of you watch adult movies, etc.?

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
No, we don't watch movies together... I think the reason this triggered those feelings is because the person who sexually molested me would call me into the room and be doing something very similar to this (no pictures).

He has done nothing else to ever make me think I am not good enough for him. I suppose I knew he did it-rahter I assumed he did it-I just didn't want to think about it (out of sight out of mind.)
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 4 years ago.
But since the incident did happen, if you are to think about it (you would want to view it objectively and not personalize it) It may be difficult at first because it had triggered those other memories but you are able to distinguish that the two incidents are different. If he had not given you any reason to feel afflicted like you said, then try to sort your feelings but remove yourself emotionally from the incident. Try to view it without attaching feelings to it (in a way with detachment)
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Yes, I suppose you are right. It is the fact that he was looking at another woman that bothers me more than anything, really. And when I put it into perspective, him potentially walking in on me masturbating while looking at another man, he told me he'd feel very upset and insufficient.
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 4 years ago.
Yes (it is the picture) you may have not felt as upset if he was not looking at anything in particular (but your reaction is not unusual)
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
One last thing- do you think it would fair of me to ask him not to look at pictures? Or is that just asking too much because I obviously can't control that? Thank you so much for your advice. I didn't feel comfortable going to anyone else.
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 4 years ago.
You can ask him anything (you have realistic expectations - you can not control him) Perhaps ask him not to do so when you are at home at least (men are visual, he could be looking at magazines, things on the computer, TV ) but if you have an agreement at lest you can hold him up to that. Just may be phrase it "don't do anything you would not want me to do"
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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