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Dr.G.
Dr.G., Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1467
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota
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After a 9 month live in relationship prior to my divorce and

Customer Question

After a 9 month live in relationship prior to my divorce and moving in with my girlfriend who had never had anyone live with her before except her 2 sons 25 and 28 of whom th 28 year old is still at home she asked me to get my own place. Said she still wanted us to be a boyfriend/girlfriend but on a non live in way. She has told me that she has never felt as strongly about someone except her ex husband of 24 years. I am 56 and she 48. I asked her if we were sill in love and she says yes. I am just a bit confused by all this as I have helped both monitarily and physically around the house not to mention the emotional attraction. She said she has never been able to live in her house alone since she divorced 12 years ago. Cant shake her oldest son. I am moving out in 2 weeks and it seems she is a little distant and not as close. She says she loves me. I care very much for her but am very confused by her signals. Any insite to help me better understand where this is gong?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 4 years ago.
It would be a guessing game at this point but it definitely sounds like you are making the right moves. My best guess is that she wants to slow things down a bit and realized that you moving in was rushing it. She may also want to get her son out before making any living arrangements with you. Just my thoughts but I would definitely take her at her word and continue to give her some space.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Could this also be part of the reason she has backed away the last 2 weeks after a great relationship since she asked me to move. Prior to that we have been very close. After all I have told you would it be reasonable for me to think there may be someone else? I confronted her with that question when she asked me to move and she replied "why would I think there was someone else". Could it be insecurity on my part? She is and has been a very independent person most of her life so she deals with issues much differently than I. Is there one question or phrase that I could ask her about our relationship that may put my mind at ease?
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 4 years ago.
I think you let her know that you are feeling in the dark about her recent decision to have you out of the house and you want some clarification on her intentions for this move and where she stands with the relationship.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Understanding her need for space under the current circumstances and knowng how she has indicated to me how much she cares, in your professional opinion is she blowing me off?
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 4 years ago.
I don't think she is blowing you off. She needs space so give her some space. There is nothing wrong with slowing things down.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Have you seen this sort of situation work in a positive way to strengthen a relationship? Seems we are working in reverse rather than start this out the conventional way. Courtship first then onward from there.
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 4 years ago.
Of course it has IF you respect her wishes and don't force things.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I have one more question Dr. G. She seems to have emersed herself in reading recently. Never seen her read more than a magazine before. Takes a lot of her conversation time away with me and of course I don"t want to intrude on her book time. I also told her my attorney has an early settlement meeting set for my final divorce this coming Monday. I know this has been a suject of great stress for her for this to be over. This emersing herself in the book thing prior to me moving seems like a sign that she is tryng to cut off as much idle talk as possible. Don't see it as a positive sign but could be reading more in to it than needed. Your final bit of insight please.
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 4 years ago.
I think you are reading way too much into her behaviors. If she tells you she loves you and wants to be with you then accept that. She probably wants to slow things down since you are not divorced. Keep communication open with her about your feelings and how you would like things to be in the relationship and ask her opinion as well. No need to rush things.
Dr.G., Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1467
Experience: Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota
Dr.G. and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Dr. G. Do you think it wise to approach her with my feelings prior to moving? I don't want to anger her on the off chance it will effect our potential continued relationship.
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 4 years ago.
Sure approach her before the move. Let her know that you are not trying to convince her for you to stay but just that you have some concerns and things you want to get off of your chest.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
My divorce was finalized Monday but haven't seen any change in her demeanor. Started packing my things for move this weekend but no real change in her. Don't know if she is just waiting for me to leave so it will be easier for her to just let go. As you suggested I talked to her ths past weekend and asked her to be blantently honest if her feelings had changed about us still maintaining a relationship and she indicated yes but her voice was rather tentative. Said she didn't know what was wrong with her and that she had been taking her Zoloft to try to stabilize her mood swings. She got a call from one of her girlfriends last night and she seemed to perk up like nothing was wrong. Like it was earlier in our relationship. Finished her talk and sat down and we said barely a few words before bedtime. Do you still think its a division of space for a while or as you told me maybe I am reading too much into this whole thing?
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 4 years ago.
So did she say her feelings changed or not?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I'm sorry for the confusion. When I asked her if she still felt the same as our initial talk as far as seeing each other and fostering our relationship from separate homes she replied yes, I still want to see you but in what I took as a tentative tone of voice. She was very clear that she was not sure what was going on with her due to the sudden change and was forthcoming with the fact she has been taking her Zoloft as the Dr. initially prescribed a few weeks ago and feels bad because her libido has been zip. Why would that explain her phone call from her friend and the mood swing of 180 degrees of laughing and cheerful voice compared to our recent bout of little communication?
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 4 years ago.
It sounds like she might be trying to get her meds adjusted because it is messing with her mood. I guess I don't know what to tell you about the change in her mood. But again, don't read too much into it until she tells you that she doesn't want to be with you.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Dr. G,

 

Now that I have moved and its been about a week, what would you consider an acceptable length of time before I call her to possibly ask her out to a movie or dinner? I have heard from her once since I moved out.

Expert:  Dr.G. replied 4 years ago.
You are moving out; not breaking up. You should continue to do fun things with her. So go for it whenever you get free time.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Dr. G,

 

She just recently told me within the last 2 days she wants to be left alone right now but will keep in touch but not everyday. Then stated I hope that makes you feel better. She also mentioned that she needed to see a Dr. because she dont know what is going on. I have given her the space she asked for but with little communication. She commented that the last time she had the urge to have sex was the last time we made love. She has since moved to a second shift job for monetary reasons and I work a first shift which has really put a damper on our seeing each other. She tells me she thinks about me but doesn't seem to find the time to contact me. I have asked her directly face to face if our relationship is over and she refuses to acknowledge my question. Not quite sure how to process all of this.

Expert:  Dr.G. replied 4 years ago.
If you have tried the direct route with her and she is giving you the run around then that to me speaks volumes. Either she is immature and does not know how to talk in a healthy way or she another agenda she is hiding. I can honestly say you have done your part appropriately in this situation. Unfortunately she has not responded in a similar manner. I first thought she needed space because things moved too fast. NOW I am starting to believe that she wants to break up with you but just does not come out and say it. Instead she is playing all of these games with you and your emotions. If I am you, and I am getting tired of these games, I would out right tell her that I am calling a break and that I need to reevaluate the relationship. See how she handles that.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Dr. G.,

 

Since we last talked I have started seeing another woman on a casual basis. I have also talked to my ex girlfriend on a couple of occassions and meet with some resistence. The last time I meet with her was for about an hour and talked casually about her grandson, and her mother and the recent Bears game to which we are both interested in, this was just 2 days ago. At first whenever she seen me it was like she had to leave as quickly as possible for whatever reason. She was never with another guy but with a girlfriend that we mutually know. I talked with this friend of hers who knows my ex well and she even asked her what the hell happened between you and Bob and she didnt even talk to her about it. Her friend said that she is even having a tough time getting her to come out just on a social basis to get her out. She seems to think she is in a state of depression because of all the things that happened with her asking me to move out because she still brings up how bad she feels about the whole thing. She even told my ex that she didnt have to bolt every time she shes me as I am not there to cause her any problems. Her friend said from what she gathers that she is not over me but is channeling her social agenda towards friends with whom she has no problem with conversation. Seen this first hand. Her friend is even confused as well as to what the issues are. She and I are concerned that Mary my ex is losing weight, very noticiable and she was told that she is not resting well. Her friend says she does not belive she is seeing anyone else and it seems that when I do see her she is with a female friend from work. I believe I told you that she moved to a second shift job which she says she hates but is stuck with it for another 2 months. I know I have been all over the map here but wanted you to evaluate the current situation. We still talk but infrequently however some communication exists. I dont run into her because of conflicting shifts except maybe on weekends. She showed up this past Friday at a place where I was and offered to buy her a drink. She accepted but conversation was very minimal. Was there for about 2 hours when she left. Told her is was good seeing her. She texted me back and told me it was good seeing me as well but had to leave as there were a couple of guys who were bugging the crap out of her and she fended the off. She was with a lady friend from work and actually asked if she had ever introduced me and I said no so she did. One last thing when we did talk she asked me straight away, "I will know by your answer to this question if you are lying to me, when yyou first moved out and you knew where I was were you checking to see if I was with another guy?" I immediately answered yes. She said she was glad I responded that way because if I had said no she told me she would have known I was not being truthfull. Not sure after all this dialouge if this even makes any sense. Thank you,

 

Bob

Expert:  Dr.G. replied 4 years ago.
I am just as stumped as you. And now I am irritated by her actions. I can't help but think she has another agenda behind the scenes. But whatever, it is either here nor there. I am glad you two broke up so that you can get off the roller coaster ride of emotions. It is crystal clear that she sabotaged this relationship by asking you to move out without giving any reason. Now she wants to play some kind of game where she runs off if she sees you but wants to know if you are checking on her???? My guess is that this pattern of interacting with men has played out through all of her relationships. So you are most likely not the first guy that has encountered this game playing behavior. It is probably safe to say that she kicked you out prematurely and now she regrets it but doesn't have the courage to admit it or say it to you or her friends. Oh well, I hope you are happier with the new girl in your life.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Dr. G.

 

Since our last correspondence the girl I was seeing has backed off as well with at least a reasonable reason why that is easily acceptable. My problem exists that for some odd reason I am having a very hard time getting the first woman off my mind. It was such a sudden thing and of course with no apparent warning signs. I have never been obsessed with a person like this and it concerns me only because I feel that I am a stronger person than this. I have never in my entire dating or relationship experiences let a woman get under my skin like this. I have never come across as a needy or clingy person to drive a woman away only supportive and a good companion. I am trying to figure out how I can get closure with this relationship. It has been suggested that I give her mom a call as we get along well. Who would know better than her. I cant seem to get the ex to even entertain talking with me simply to close things out period. I have been approached by a few of her friends and been told that this is a pattern of behavior she has shown since her divorce 12 years ago. Dont know why but when she dumps a boyfriend its like they simply vanish in her mind. Since I was the only one of many who actually lived with her it felt that the relationship was at a different level from the others. Her past boyfriends in my opinion probably just chalked it up to "oh well" got what I wanted and moved on. No harm no foul. This woman has got me all twisted up and I dont like this feeling. I need some coping mechanisms to help me through this. I guess I still have feelings for her and am trying to get past them without proper closure. I know this sounds pretty screwed up but this is my dilema. Thank you.

 

Robert

Expert:  Dr.G. replied 4 years ago.
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