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Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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My wife and I have been married 11 years. We have an absolutely

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My wife and I have been married 11 years. We have an absolutely great marriage. We don't keep secrets from each other at all. The only downfall is our sex life. It is like pulling teeth. I want to do it 3-4 times a week. She would be happy with 1 a week or 1 every 2 weeks. Occasionally this drives me nuts.

Our sexual experiences consist of foreplay, getting her to orgasm, and then intercourse. Sometimes we have intercourse before getting her to orgasm. Her orgasm consists of her masturbating and me assisting her.

Last night we had sex for the first time in over a week. It took her forever to orgasm. I knew something was up. I asked her if she had masturbated on her own in the last day or two. I expected an answer of "no" because we do everything together. However she admitted to masturbating the previous day.

I felt insulted and hurt. I felt like she had an affair. I also felt inadequate that she masturbated on her own, instead of asking me to help. I am constantly complaining we don't have enough sex. I am constantly telling her that even if it was "a quickie" it would mean alot to me.

She said she did it to relax and was not sexual in anyway. She just needed to relax before taking a nap. She has chronic fatigue syndrome. She can fall asleep just about anywheres.

I am taking this very personally. Am I over reacting?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 4 years ago.

Thanks for writing to Just Answer.

 

You may not like this answer, but yes, I think you are over reacting.

 

There is togetherness, and then there is too much togetherness that turns controlling.

 

Her body is her own. A person has a right to touch her own body whenever she wants. Needing to relax means she was feeling tense. Needing to relax is different than wanting to have sex, for a female. To equate this to having an affair is not reasonable.

 

You mention that your wife has chronic fatigue syndrome, yet you also say that you are constantly asking her for sex. Sex is a strenuous activity.

 

You may be in danger of taking the joy out of sex for her. When sex becomes something that is constantly in the forefront, asked for, and a major focus, women often feel that they have become an object to be used to fulfill the man's need.

 

Asking for sex is not a good way to get a woman in the mood. Women need emotional closeness in order to get turned on. While men often use/want/sex to feel close, women need to feel close first, and then sex comes to mind.

 

Please take a look inside yourself and see if there is any other need that is not being fulfilled in your life that is causing this intense focus on sex. Are you feeling like she is pulling away emotionally?

 

I suggest you spend some time with your wife really talking about what is going on. Keep sex out of the conversation. Show a real interest in her life, her dreams for the future, etc. Give her a shoulder rub, and don't turn it into a request for sex. Just touch and enjoy each other with no pressure to perform.

 

If you are using sex as a way to stay close to your wife, I'm afraid you are putting the cart before the horse, so to speak. Build emotional intimacy, and the physical intimacy will follow. There is a book that has helped many people add both kinds of intimacy to their lives, and I recommend it: Passionate Marriage

 

I hope this has given you a different perspective on your problem, and that its been helpful. If so, please click ACCEPT.

Best Regards,

Suzanne

 

 

 

Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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Suzanne
Suzanne
Therapist in Private Practice
338 Satisfied Customers
Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency